Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

OP my daughter lives til tok and has told me that the generational trauma etc and things she is facing, that tons of people her age are going through this crisis. She's sent me tik toks that echo these sentiments. It becomes an echo chamber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

OP my daughter lives til tok and has told me that the generational trauma etc and things she is facing, that tons of people her age are going through this crisis. She's sent me tik toks that echo these sentiments. It becomes an echo chamber.

Yup. They are all convinced and convincing each other that they've been horribly damaged by their parents.

[Anonymous]

I did this to my parents in my 20s and I know it was heartbreaking for them. But the space allowed me to work through some things including a childhood trauma and I reinstated myself with my parents once it was time (3 months or so). My parents could have never helped me with what i was going though, as they were part of the problem (they trusted another family member who abused me). Anyway, all I’m saying is that your daughter is your daughter and that won’t change. Let her go and see what happens and what you might learn about your family. My own life and struggle has been restorative for my family history and dynamic, even though there were times of separation. It probably won’t be forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this to my parents in my 20s and I know it was heartbreaking for them. But the space allowed me to work through some things including a childhood trauma and I reinstated myself with my parents once it was time (3 months or so). My parents could have never helped me with what i was going though, as they were part of the problem (they trusted another family member who abused me). Anyway, all I’m saying is that your daughter is your daughter and that won’t change. Let her go and see what happens and what you might learn about your family. My own life and struggle has been restorative for my family history and dynamic, even though there were times of separation. It probably won’t be forever.

Yes. It is still hard though. My husband is more hurt and wants to shut the metaphorical door so to speak. I told her our doors always open and we live her always. But my husband wouldn't say that to her. He'd ky say that once she apologized. To me it's important to try to keep an olive branch around and open doors so to speak. But it does sometimes feel hurtful and really harsh, the things she says

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

Maybe she has a bad therapist.

My parents decided to cut me off in college because I was dating somebody of a different race. I did not cut them off in return although their treatment of me was absolutely terrible and three psychologist told me to cut my parents off in response because just being in contact with them was causing me a lot of trauma because of their abandonment.

I am now in my mid-40s and they act like they did nothing wrong and I can barely stand to be around them. I wish I had listen to the psychologist and cut them off and never spoken to them again. Because doing so directly impacted other decisions in my life that I would not have made otherwise.

I’m not sure what’s going on with your child who is an adult now but I do wonder if there’s some thing you did that you are ignoring or maybe she just has a really bad mental health counselor who’s making things out to be worse than they ever were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this to my parents in my 20s and I know it was heartbreaking for them. But the space allowed me to work through some things including a childhood trauma and I reinstated myself with my parents once it was time (3 months or so). My parents could have never helped me with what i was going though, as they were part of the problem (they trusted another family member who abused me). Anyway, all I’m saying is that your daughter is your daughter and that won’t change. Let her go and see what happens and what you might learn about your family. My own life and struggle has been restorative for my family history and dynamic, even though there were times of separation. It probably won’t be forever.

That's absolutely horrible. 😥

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

Maybe she has a bad therapist.

My parents decided to cut me off in college because I was dating somebody of a different race. I did not cut them off in return although their treatment of me was absolutely terrible and three psychologist told me to cut my parents off in response because just being in contact with them was causing me a lot of trauma because of their abandonment.

I am now in my mid-40s and they act like they did nothing wrong and I can barely stand to be around them. I wish I had listen to the psychologist and cut them off and never spoken to them again. Because doing so directly impacted other decisions in my life that I would not have made otherwise.

I’m not sure what’s going on with your child who is an adult now but I do wonder if there’s some thing you did that you are ignoring or maybe she just has a really bad mental health counselor who’s making things out to be worse than they ever were.

OP here. I made mistakes but I can't think of anything earth shattering. We let her have a very limited relationship with her alcoholic grandmother. We were always there. Daughter now says, after therapy that we exposed her to generational trauma. My niece/her cousin was not allowed to have any relationship with alcoholic grandmother. My niece who is now a young adult, is in therapy too and us apparently upset that her parents sheltered her too much and kept her away from her grandmother. We literally can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

Maybe she has a bad therapist.

My parents decided to cut me off in college because I was dating somebody of a different race. I did not cut them off in return although their treatment of me was absolutely terrible and three psychologist told me to cut my parents off in response because just being in contact with them was causing me a lot of trauma because of their abandonment.

I am now in my mid-40s and they act like they did nothing wrong and I can barely stand to be around them. I wish I had listen to the psychologist and cut them off and never spoken to them again. Because doing so directly impacted other decisions in my life that I would not have made otherwise.

I’m not sure what’s going on with your child who is an adult now but I do wonder if there’s some thing you did that you are ignoring or maybe she just has a really bad mental health counselor who’s making things out to be worse than they ever were.

OP here. That's horrible, with the racism. And then to gaslight you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

Maybe she has a bad therapist.

My parents decided to cut me off in college because I was dating somebody of a different race. I did not cut them off in return although their treatment of me was absolutely terrible and three psychologist told me to cut my parents off in response because just being in contact with them was causing me a lot of trauma because of their abandonment.

I am now in my mid-40s and they act like they did nothing wrong and I can barely stand to be around them. I wish I had listen to the psychologist and cut them off and never spoken to them again. Because doing so directly impacted other decisions in my life that I would not have made otherwise.

I’m not sure what’s going on with your child who is an adult now but I do wonder if there’s some thing you did that you are ignoring or maybe she just has a really bad mental health counselor who’s making things out to be worse than they ever were.

OP here. I made mistakes but I can't think of anything earth shattering. We let her have a very limited relationship with her alcoholic grandmother. We were always there. Daughter now says, after therapy that we exposed her to generational trauma. My niece/her cousin was not allowed to have any relationship with alcoholic grandmother. My niece who is now a young adult, is in therapy too and us apparently upset that her parents sheltered her too much and kept her away from her grandmother. We literally can't win.

I am the PP you’re responding to and I think her therapist is a bad therapist because I think it’s completely OK to have a limited relationship with an alcoholic because you’re in the family. People should not be shunned from their family members if they have some kind of disorder because that’s just life. Leaving her alone with an alcoholic grandmother would be one thing but having letting her have a relationship with her where she is not exposed to outbursts and fits and neglect is completely fine and I am sorry that you’re going through this because this is certainly not generational trauma to me (I did not add in my other post is that my mother severely mentally ill and my dad was an absentee father and I basically raised my brother and I and then I was the one who got cut off in college because I wasn’t playing the part of the perfect daughter because my boyfriend wasn’t white). I don’t think your daughter or her therapist realizes what actual generational trauma is. Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think if a parent was estranged from adult kids it was definitely BC the parent was the bad guy so to speak. But now my young adult daughter is going this direction.

She struggled with some depression in HS, but resisted therapy. She was generally well functioning with friends good grades etc. She went to uni and graduated a year ago. She is now a young adult working in the real world. He worked through hs, college and kept jobs for a long time (over a year.). Employers, teachers etc always liked her. In current job she seems to be doing well. Dating a little, a couple close friends etc

She finally wanted to go to counseling a year ago, which we thought was great. She likes his counselor a lot and they have been dredging up and analyzing childhood. Childhood was normal. Bedtime stories, family trips, music lessons, private school, family dinner at night, parents who got along well.

Her grandmother was an alcoholic who died years ago. Growing up we had a limited relationship with Grandma BC and my kids only saw her with us there, when she was sober. My adult kids aunts and uncles, half of them are nice normal people but half of them (2), who were the product of an alcoholic family are toxic bitter people who we generally avoid but just see once a year at family weddings etc.

In analyzing her childhood she has determined that she needs to set healthyboundaries and will be cutting her off from everyone in the next few months. I got confused and asked her if she meant everyone incl the good kind family members. She says yes. She also said she'll be cutting herself off completely from us as we are part of the problem by association. She can't seem to compartmentalize people. Her therapist is apparently in support of healthy boundaries. I should add that daughter lives at home and us getting ready to move out, which we thought was great and we offered to help with security or downpayment. She's talked about cutting ties with everyone and she is bitter that she was born into a family with some dysfunction. She says she was born into the wrong family anyway. Whole she says all this she's upset and angry and thinks everyone else has perfect families.

I was so shocked but said I support her choices for boundaries and although it makes me very sad, this is her adult decision and door is always open, and we love her.

She legit will go through with this and I am rather devastated. What are your thoughts? It seems pretty extreme to me.

This was my childhood, and I’m still unraveling other parts of my childhood that caused trauma. My parents were emotionally unavailable, clueless as to things happening in my life, and didn’t know their neglect caused me to have horrible selfesteem issues. We lived in a big house, bed time stories, vacations, greet schools. They just never talked about anything or showed emotion.

You’ll need to dig deeper to see your role. To this day, my parents don’t understand their role in my trauma. They haven’t tried to understand. If you want to know your daughter and be a part of her life, try harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are.

np pp This is so unnecessary and quite cruel. Please go away since you have nothing to offer and are quite mean. No one is perfect because we are all imperfect humans trying to do the best that we can ( not including the real "bad" parents who are drug addicts etc who were also raised by imperfect people too)

[Anonymous]

I agree w/you OP…..this is an extreme action to take on her part.

Her therapist obviously does not have your daughter’s best interests in mind if she is encouraging her to estrange herself from her entire family.
What the…..??! 🙄

The reason for your daughter doing this is completely selfish.
She knows that she can treat you like dirt - but due to your unconditional love for her you will always be there for her when she needs you to be.
I personally feel that she is taking your love for granted.

I am speaking of this from the POV that I didn’t have my own Mother there for me when I was younger & wished I had.
Some people do not realize how blessed they are to have a family’s unconditional love.

Your relationship is mutual > definitely a two-way street.
One person only cannot direct the narrative.

Okay, so your daughter wants a “break” from you.
That is her decision to make.
But when she decides that she is “ready” to engage w/you again, based on her own timeline…..she needs to understand the dynamic in your relationship will likely be adversely affected.
It will be hard for you to trust her on a full scale as she may decide later on she will need another “respite” from your relationship.

It pains me to see someone who is truly blessed w/a loving family decide on their own terms what direction to take.
They know that they can treat their family member unfairly + that in the end their family will be there through thick & thin.
Not everyone can be so lucky.

Oh and since she will be cutting you off ->> you would be a fool to continue handing her money.
Please do not.

So sorry this is happening to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

Maybe she has a bad therapist.

My parents decided to cut me off in college because I was dating somebody of a different race. I did not cut them off in return although their treatment of me was absolutely terrible and three psychologist told me to cut my parents off in response because just being in contact with them was causing me a lot of trauma because of their abandonment.

I am now in my mid-40s and they act like they did nothing wrong and I can barely stand to be around them. I wish I had listen to the psychologist and cut them off and never spoken to them again. Because doing so directly impacted other decisions in my life that I would not have made otherwise.

I’m not sure what’s going on with your child who is an adult now but I do wonder if there’s some thing you did that you are ignoring or maybe she just has a really bad mental health counselor who’s making things out to be worse than they ever were.

OP here. I made mistakes but I can't think of anything earth shattering. We let her have a very limited relationship with her alcoholic grandmother. We were always there. Daughter now says, after therapy that we exposed her to generational trauma. My niece/her cousin was not allowed to have any relationship with alcoholic grandmother. My niece who is now a young adult, is in therapy too and us apparently upset that her parents sheltered her too much and kept her away from her grandmother. We literally can't win.

I am the PP you’re responding to and I think her therapist is a bad therapist because I think it’s completely OK to have a limited relationship with an alcoholic because you’re in the family. People should not be shunned from their family members if they have some kind of disorder because that’s just life. Leaving her alone with an alcoholic grandmother would be one thing but having letting her have a relationship with her where she is not exposed to outbursts and fits and neglect is completely fine and I am sorry that you’re going through this because this is certainly not generational trauma to me (I did not add in my other post is that my mother severely mentally ill and my dad was an absentee father and I basically raised my brother and I and then I was the one who got cut off in college because I wasn’t playing the part of the perfect daughter because my boyfriend wasn’t white). I don’t think your daughter or her therapist realizes what actual generational trauma is. Sorry you are dealing with this.

OP here.agreed with the alcoholism. We never left her alone with Grandma BC if the drinking. But when grandma was sober she was ok and would play board games with the kids, color, read stories etc. Thiese are the things I didn't want her to miss completely. When my daughter was talking to me about generational trauma, I asked her if she thought her grandmother loved her. She says she knew grandmother loved her. Doesn't that count for something to be loved, even if it is by a flawed, alcoholic person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think if a parent was estranged from adult kids it was definitely BC the parent was the bad guy so to speak. But now my young adult daughter is going this direction.

She struggled with some depression in HS, but resisted therapy. She was generally well functioning with friends good grades etc. She went to uni and graduated a year ago. She is now a young adult working in the real world. He worked through hs, college and kept jobs for a long time (over a year.). Employers, teachers etc always liked her. In current job she seems to be doing well. Dating a little, a couple close friends etc

She finally wanted to go to counseling a year ago, which we thought was great. She likes his counselor a lot and they have been dredging up and analyzing childhood. Childhood was normal. Bedtime stories, family trips, music lessons, private school, family dinner at night, parents who got along well.

Her grandmother was an alcoholic who died years ago. Growing up we had a limited relationship with Grandma BC and my kids only saw her with us there, when she was sober. My adult kids aunts and uncles, half of them are nice normal people but half of them (2), who were the product of an alcoholic family are toxic bitter people who we generally avoid but just see once a year at family weddings etc.

In analyzing her childhood she has determined that she needs to set healthyboundaries and will be cutting her off from everyone in the next few months. I got confused and asked her if she meant everyone incl the good kind family members. She says yes. She also said she'll be cutting herself off completely from us as we are part of the problem by association. She can't seem to compartmentalize people. Her therapist is apparently in support of healthy boundaries. I should add that daughter lives at home and us getting ready to move out, which we thought was great and we offered to help with security or downpayment. She's talked about cutting ties with everyone and she is bitter that she was born into a family with some dysfunction. She says she was born into the wrong family anyway. Whole she says all this she's upset and angry and thinks everyone else has perfect families.

I was so shocked but said I support her choices for boundaries and although it makes me very sad, this is her adult decision and door is always open, and we love her.

She legit will go through with this and I am rather devastated. What are your thoughts? It seems pretty extreme to me.

This was my childhood, and I’m still unraveling other parts of my childhood that caused trauma. My parents were emotionally unavailable, clueless as to things happening in my life, and didn’t know their neglect caused me to have horrible selfesteem issues. We lived in a big house, bed time stories, vacations, greet schools. They just never talked about anything or showed emotion.

You’ll need to dig deeper to see your role. To this day, my parents don’t understand their role in my trauma. They haven’t tried to understand. If you want to know your daughter and be a part of her life, try harder.

I'm not sure you really understand what neglect is.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that this term “generational trauma” is something that your daughter was lectured on & she took it and ran.
Along w/the proverbial push from her counselor.

I don’t see any particular deep-rooted trauma so to speak in allowing your child to have contact w/her Grandmother.

Seems this particular has in a sense brainwashed your daughter into thinking she is a true victim of this “generational trauma” which seems like a new catchphrase of some sort.