Estranged parents and adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

How would you know from the parents’ stories if they’re abusive or not? Do you think people who physically abuse their kids advertise? Do you think people who emotionally abuse their kids are healthy enough to recognize and admit what they’re doing? Or do you think maybe there’s some sort of continuance of abuse from one generation to the next, because we often tend to parent the way we were raised-sort of a cycle of abuse if you will? Just because they’re better than their parents were doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. I think people tend to focus on physical abuse, which is bad of course, but emotional abuse can be far worse and it often lasts longer.

I don't. I'm simply saying that parents asking children to do things they should be capable of is not being abusive.

Do you really think people are cutting off family members because parents occasionally asked them to keep their room tidy?

NP. Candidly, it often doesn’t sound like a lot more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 28 year old sister is doing this with my parents right now. My parents were far from perfect, but this is more about her personal healing than it is about them. And they (and you) need to respect that. If you don't, you risk losing her forever.

OP here. Agreed, you can't argue with someone how they feel. This is her narrative. And one has to respect it. But it is still bizarre. Things definitely got worse after counseling.

Hmmm the counselor could suck OR she is misinterpreting what the therapist told her or she is blatantly lying and blaming it in her therapist.
Either way, Lao e you, praying for you and we will be here. But if you want to cut ties, Feel free to leave now.

You can’t give me some future date when you want to break my heart. We can go to family counseling but you cannot use me for shelter but tell me I’m bad for you and you are cutting me out of your life. You cannot have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you spend any time browsing TiKTok you know this is a brewing crisis. Kids are co-opting therapy-speak to blame parents for the normal rough patches of adolescence and young adulthood. Parents they don't agree with are labeled "toxic" or narcissists. Normal trials of growing up are labeled "trauma," and in the interest of "boundaries" kids are cutting family off completely.

I'm all in favor of young people being aware of mental health issues, but it's being twisted into blaming others for anything that doesn't go right in their life. Anyone with a kid between the ages of 10 and 20 should be prepared for it to happen.

OP my daughter lives til tok and has told me that the generational trauma etc and things she is facing, that tons of people her age are going through this crisis. She's sent me tik toks that echo these sentiments. It becomes an echo chamber.

Yup. They are all convinced and convincing each other that they've been horribly damaged by their parents.

Who do they think is going to save them?

The reality is they have been coddled and can't handle trauma.

It’s not cuddling it’s too much damn social media where anybody can take something and twisted it; they know what they’re talking about and don’t have licensing, education or experience as a damn therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

How would you know from the parents’ stories if they’re abusive or not? Do you think people who physically abuse their kids advertise? Do you think people who emotionally abuse their kids are healthy enough to recognize and admit what they’re doing? Or do you think maybe there’s some sort of continuance of abuse from one generation to the next, because we often tend to parent the way we were raised-sort of a cycle of abuse if you will? Just because they’re better than their parents were doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. I think people tend to focus on physical abuse, which is bad of course, but emotional abuse can be far worse and it often lasts longer.

I don't. I'm simply saying that parents asking children to do things they should be capable of is not being abusive.

Do you really think people are cutting off family members because parents occasionally asked them to keep their room tidy?

NP. Candidly, it often doesn’t sound like a lot more than that.

Not the poster you are responding to, but you are likely confusing "the last straw" with a mountain of issues that get worse. You might hear someone cut off over something that seems minor, but you don't understand it's a symptom of major underlying issues that get worse.

Also, so many of give cringeworthy advice. If anyone tells you that you have hurt them and they need space, if you hope repair the relationship your best bet is to listen without getting defensive and take ownership of your part. Counterattacking with threats just makes people want to cut ties and give up.

[Anonymous]

OP reading this again I am confused. Are you equating taking 3 months to do her own thing with estrangement which is permanent? Do you realize plenty of young adults will go more than 3 months without seeing their parents. I understand she lives with you and I assume she is moving out. Do you have a lot of extended family gatherings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP reading this again I am confused. Are you equating taking 3 months to do her own thing with estrangement which is permanent? Do you realize plenty of young adults will go more than 3 months without seeing their parents. I understand she lives with you and I assume she is moving out. Do you have a lot of extended family gatherings?

OP here. So she is moving out next week to stay with a friend for a month or so til she finds a more place. She chose to hire movers to bring all her stuff to storage, even though we have a big house and we always told her her stuff could stay for years. As soon as she moves in the next week she will cut all ties off with is permanently. Whatever permanently means. I told her we live her and understand that it's just not working out and door is always open. That being said we could not have her move in permanently here again. She said she has to cut ties with mee too BC I am associated with toxic family by virtue of being married. She said we will not hear from her nor know where she is living. She said no one is to contact her. I agreed and said I'd respect her decision and won't reach out. But I am just a text or call away if she chooses.

Someone earlier posted something about religious or political beliefs. We are not religious church type people. Politically we are middle of the road but despised trump. Daughter is also middle of road and dislikes trump. So there was no issue with those differences.

I do not wish to bad mouth her therapist to her. Her therapist told her that I should come in separately as should my husband to work on generational trauma. I declined. I also do not want to get into relationship with therapist and tell her my frank opinion, as this may damage my daughter's relationship with therapist.

My daughter reiterated that I am still possibly saveable if I leave dad and separate completely from generational trauma and extended in laws. I said I couldn't do that. Her dad has been generally a good husband for 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP reading this again I am confused. Are you equating taking 3 months to do her own thing with estrangement which is permanent? Do you realize plenty of young adults will go more than 3 months without seeing their parents. I understand she lives with you and I assume she is moving out. Do you have a lot of extended family gatherings?

OP here. So she is moving out next week to stay with a friend for a month or so til she finds a more place. She chose to hire movers to bring all her stuff to storage, even though we have a big house and we always told her her stuff could stay for years. As soon as she moves in the next week she will cut all ties off with is permanently. Whatever permanently means. I told her we live her and understand that it's just not working out and door is always open. That being said we could not have her move in permanently here again. She said she has to cut ties with mee too BC I am associated with toxic family by virtue of being married. She said we will not hear from her nor know where she is living. She said no one is to contact her. I agreed and said I'd respect her decision and won't reach out. But I am just a text or call away if she chooses.

Someone earlier posted something about religious or political beliefs. We are not religious church type people. Politically we are middle of the road but despised trump. Daughter is also middle of road and dislikes trump. So there was no issue with those differences.

I do not wish to bad mouth her therapist to her. Her therapist told her that I should come in separately as should my husband to work on generational trauma. I declined. I also do not want to get into relationship with therapist and tell her my frank opinion, as this may damage my daughter's relationship with therapist.

My daughter reiterated that I am still possibly saveable if I leave dad and separate completely from generational trauma and extended in laws. I said I couldn't do that. Her dad has been generally a good husband for 25 years.

this sounds like a cult, honestly.

[Anonymous]

there is no such thing as 'generational trauma'. it's just BS.

-- signed,
a psychologist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there is no such thing as 'generational trauma'. it's just BS.

-- signed,
a psychologist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how the good parents and the bad parents of estranged children all have a similar perspective and their stories sound basically the same. They didn’t do anything too bad, and they love their kids so much it should compensate for all their flaws. They made mistakes, but so did the kids. Everything was fine until the kid was influenced by college friends/romantic partner/terrible therapist, and now they don’t want any contact with the people who “traumatized” them. We endured real abuse/trauma and we forgave and forgot, why can’t these kids do the same for us, especially when we didn’t do anything too bad and the kids aren’t perfect either?

I just think it's a stupid move unless your parents are physically abusive, extremely emotionally abusive or you are in major danger somehow. The world is not as friendly as these people seem to think. Family is importan.t even broken family. Being traumatized by your parents telling you to clean your room gets an eye roll from me. It doesn't mean you have to live near them. But this idea that your parents didn't really have any authority when you lived under their roof is problematic and is the same reason why teachers are leaving. Uncontrollable kids.

How would you know from the parents’ stories if they’re abusive or not? Do you think people who physically abuse their kids advertise? Do you think people who emotionally abuse their kids are healthy enough to recognize and admit what they’re doing? Or do you think maybe there’s some sort of continuance of abuse from one generation to the next, because we often tend to parent the way we were raised-sort of a cycle of abuse if you will? Just because they’re better than their parents were doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. I think people tend to focus on physical abuse, which is bad of course, but emotional abuse can be far worse and it often lasts longer.

I don't. I'm simply saying that parents asking children to do things they should be capable of is not being abusive.

Do you really think people are cutting off family members because parents occasionally asked them to keep their room tidy?

NP. Candidly, it often doesn’t sound like a lot more than that.

Not the poster you are responding to, but you are likely confusing "the last straw" with a mountain of issues that get worse. You might hear someone cut off over something that seems minor, but you don't understand it's a symptom of major underlying issues that get worse.

Also, so many of give cringeworthy advice. If anyone tells you that you have hurt them and they need space, if you hope repair the relationship your best bet is to listen without getting defensive and take ownership of your part. Counterattacking with threats just makes people want to cut ties and give up.

She know's it. She's an authoritarian magahat who has children who aren't allowed to separate from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:there is no such thing as 'generational trauma'. it's just BS.

-- signed,
a psychologist

There are such things as dysfunctional families and parents with disorders. There are parents who have abused children who will rationalize the things they do.
a psychologist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP reading this again I am confused. Are you equating taking 3 months to do her own thing with estrangement which is permanent? Do you realize plenty of young adults will go more than 3 months without seeing their parents. I understand she lives with you and I assume she is moving out. Do you have a lot of extended family gatherings?

OP here. So she is moving out next week to stay with a friend for a month or so til she finds a more place. She chose to hire movers to bring all her stuff to storage, even though we have a big house and we always told her her stuff could stay for years. As soon as she moves in the next week she will cut all ties off with is permanently. Whatever permanently means. I told her we live her and understand that it's just not working out and door is always open. That being said we could not have her move in permanently here again. She said she has to cut ties with mee too BC I am associated with toxic family by virtue of being married. She said we will not hear from her nor know where she is living. She said no one is to contact her. I agreed and said I'd respect her decision and won't reach out. But I am just a text or call away if she chooses.

Someone earlier posted something about religious or political beliefs. We are not religious church type people. Politically we are middle of the road but despised trump. Daughter is also middle of road and dislikes trump. So there was no issue with those differences.

I do not wish to bad mouth her therapist to her. Her therapist told her that I should come in separately as should my husband to work on generational trauma. I declined. I also do not want to get into relationship with therapist and tell her my frank opinion, as this may damage my daughter's relationship with therapist.

My daughter reiterated that I am still possibly saveable if I leave dad and separate completely from generational trauma and extended in laws. I said I couldn't do that. Her dad has been generally a good husband for 25 years.

OK thanks for clarifying. So she is cutting off completely. That is extreme. I thought you maybe did a lot as a family and extended family together and she needed some distance. I could see taking a break to think through things, but cutting off does sound like she is moving too fast. I am glad that you said the door is always open and didn't slam it in her face. I think you mentioned a history of depression so it's good that she can come back if she decides she made a massive mistake. It should be interesting how it goes staying with the friend. Might be nice at first, but if she is very me-centered there will be issues, but it's a good life experience for her.

My view is changing here. I am glad you did not make threats and you will respect her wishes even though they are painful. I cannot imagine a therapist telling her that YOU must leave your husband or you need to come in to work on your trauma. That does sound concerning.

There are times where estrangement really is needed, but it's a gradual process where you try to work things out, you try boundaries, you try breaks and things are still abusive and toxic. What you describe does not sound like this.

Is there any family history of mental illness besides the alcoholism and her history of depression?

[Anonymous]

The best and quickest way you can understand your DD’s point of view is to watch yourself on video interact with her.

[Anonymous]

She sounds controlling and manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP reading this again I am confused. Are you equating taking 3 months to do her own thing with estrangement which is permanent? Do you realize plenty of young adults will go more than 3 months without seeing their parents. I understand she lives with you and I assume she is moving out. Do you have a lot of extended family gatherings?

OP here. So she is moving out next week to stay with a friend for a month or so til she finds a more place. She chose to hire movers to bring all her stuff to storage, even though we have a big house and we always told her her stuff could stay for years. As soon as she moves in the next week she will cut all ties off with is permanently. Whatever permanently means. I told her we live her and understand that it's just not working out and door is always open. That being said we could not have her move in permanently here again. She said she has to cut ties with mee too BC I am associated with toxic family by virtue of being married. She said we will not hear from her nor know where she is living. She said no one is to contact her. I agreed and said I'd respect her decision and won't reach out. But I am just a text or call away if she chooses.

Someone earlier posted something about religious or political beliefs. We are not religious church type people. Politically we are middle of the road but despised trump. Daughter is also middle of road and dislikes trump. So there was no issue with those differences.

I do not wish to bad mouth her therapist to her. Her therapist told her that I should come in separately as should my husband to work on generational trauma. I declined. I also do not want to get into relationship with therapist and tell her my frank opinion, as this may damage my daughter's relationship with therapist.

My daughter reiterated that I am still possibly saveable if I leave dad and separate completely from generational trauma and extended in laws. I said I couldn't do that. Her dad has been generally a good husband for 25 years.

OK thanks for clarifying. So she is cutting off completely. That is extreme. I thought you maybe did a lot as a family and extended family together and she needed some distance. I could see taking a break to think through things, but cutting off does sound like she is moving too fast. I am glad that you said the door is always open and didn't slam it in her face. I think you mentioned a history of depression so it's good that she can come back if she decides she made a massive mistake. It should be interesting how it goes staying with the friend. Might be nice at first, but if she is very me-centered there will be issues, but it's a good life experience for her.

My view is changing here. I am glad you did not make threats and you will respect her wishes even though they are painful. I cannot imagine a therapist telling her that YOU must leave your husband or you need to come in to work on your trauma. That does sound concerning.

There are times where estrangement really is needed, but it's a gradual process where you try to work things out, you try boundaries, you try breaks and things are still abusive and toxic. What you describe does not sound like this.

Is there any family history of mental illness besides the alcoholism and her history of depression?

OP here. My daughter is the one who said I need to divorce dad. Therapist didn't say that but therapist wants us to come in separately to work through generational trauma. In terms of mental illness, both mother's had depression. Alcoholic grandmother, she was bipolar we think. Which also related to alcoholism. For my and dad, we don't have any mental illness diagnosis. I did wonder about bipolar but my daughter has not experienced mania. Her therapist told her depression and anxiety. She is not on any medications.