Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP of this thread is a really crazy and gross person. She claims no one can define adoption for others but then goes on to insult people who use terms like “adopted child” because actually she wants to define adoption for everyone else.

PP/adoptee here. I agree and have concluded that the OP is trolling. There is no way someone who is this unhinged could (or should) have passed the home study. There are one or more posters who seem to come to this board to stir up fights around adoption. (Why? Who knows.) I think we’re all getting yanked into some of that drama now. Someone is obviously off their meds….

OP is being very confusing. She isn't identifying herself as op, so as far as we know, some of the weird responses might be someone else.

But what this person is saying is that the biological family IS fully involved in the child's life, and are not differentiated as the "biological grandparents" or the "first family."

This poster was being oddly obtuse with her responses, as she failed to recognize that most of the posters misunderstood her. Many posters think "there's no first family" means the person is keeping the child away from the biological side of the family.

I think this poster is playing some dumb head game so she can get her fix of drama and incredulity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always found it incredible that grandparents or other family would not take a child that went for adoption. Grandparents are generally so crazy for grandchildren.

It is partially explained by the stigma of unwed mothers. The grandparents think, for the good of own daughter, her child must be sent away! Or else she will never make a good marriage etc. Very insecure mentality.

I just know if it were my grandchild, I wpuld move the earth to make sure that baby stayed with her mother, with me, or in the family generally.

Not all grandparents are in a position to take care of a baby. Surely you can appreciate that what might work you wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Being crazy about grandkids is a totally different level than becoming a parent again after you’ve already done that with your own children.

As an adoptee; I have no ‘first family’. I have one family, the one who raise me and with whom I was raised. I have biological parents but they’re not my family. They’re just blood relatives. Sorry if that offends you but that’s how I see it.

Does not offend me. I am just saying, would do anything possible to keep a baby in my family and away from someone like you. What a nightmare. I cannot even imagine.

Haha, and you don’t offend me despite being extremely rude. Weren’t you saying the adoptee has the right to decide how to relate to their parents? It’s not a nightmare for someone to be happy with their family and not feel compelled to seek out someone with whom they have no relationship, even if self righteous people think it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always found it incredible that grandparents or other family would not take a child that went for adoption. Grandparents are generally so crazy for grandchildren.

It is partially explained by the stigma of unwed mothers. The grandparents think, for the good of own daughter, her child must be sent away! Or else she will never make a good marriage etc. Very insecure mentality.

I just know if it were my grandchild, I wpuld move the earth to make sure that baby stayed with her mother, with me, or in the family generally.

Not all grandparents are in a position to take care of a baby. Surely you can appreciate that what might work you wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Being crazy about grandkids is a totally different level than becoming a parent again after you’ve already done that with your own children.

As an adoptee; I have no ‘first family’. I have one family, the one who raise me and with whom I was raised. I have biological parents but they’re not my family. They’re just blood relatives. Sorry if that offends you but that’s how I see it.

Does not offend me. I am just saying, would do anything possible to keep a baby in my family and away from someone like you. What a nightmare. I cannot even imagine.

Haha, and you don’t offend me despite being extremely rude. Weren’t you saying the adoptee has the right to decide how to relate to their parents? It’s not a nightmare for someone to be happy with their family and not feel compelled to seek out someone with whom they have no relationship, even if self righteous people think it so.

I said only what I said above. Do not conflate me with others. I have my own singular opinions. My opinions include that you are a kook who should never have been allowed to adopt children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always found it incredible that grandparents or other family would not take a child that went for adoption. Grandparents are generally so crazy for grandchildren.

It is partially explained by the stigma of unwed mothers. The grandparents think, for the good of own daughter, her child must be sent away! Or else she will never make a good marriage etc. Very insecure mentality.

I just know if it were my grandchild, I wpuld move the earth to make sure that baby stayed with her mother, with me, or in the family generally.

Not all grandparents are in a position to take care of a baby. Surely you can appreciate that what might work you wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Being crazy about grandkids is a totally different level than becoming a parent again after you’ve already done that with your own children.

As an adoptee; I have no ‘first family’. I have one family, the one who raise me and with whom I was raised. I have biological parents but they’re not my family. They’re just blood relatives. Sorry if that offends you but that’s how I see it.

Does not offend me. I am just saying, would do anything possible to keep a baby in my family and away from someone like you. What a nightmare. I cannot even imagine.

Haha, and you don’t offend me despite being extremely rude. Weren’t you saying the adoptee has the right to decide how to relate to their parents? It’s not a nightmare for someone to be happy with their family and not feel compelled to seek out someone with whom they have no relationship, even if self righteous people think it so.

I said only what I said above. Do not conflate me with others. I have my own singular opinions. My opinions include that you are a kook who should never have been allowed to adopt children.

Thank goodness you didn’t adopt.

[Anonymous]

That’s weird. My nephew was adopted at birth and nobody ever mentions it. He looks similar to my sibling so perhaps it is more common in families who adopt visibly non-biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always found it incredible that grandparents or other family would not take a child that went for adoption. Grandparents are generally so crazy for grandchildren.

It is partially explained by the stigma of unwed mothers. The grandparents think, for the good of own daughter, her child must be sent away! Or else she will never make a good marriage etc. Very insecure mentality.

I just know if it were my grandchild, I wpuld move the earth to make sure that baby stayed with her mother, with me, or in the family generally.

Not all grandparents are in a position to take care of a baby. Surely you can appreciate that what might work you wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Being crazy about grandkids is a totally different level than becoming a parent again after you’ve already done that with your own children.

As an adoptee; I have no ‘first family’. I have one family, the one who raise me and with whom I was raised. I have biological parents but they’re not my family. They’re just blood relatives. Sorry if that offends you but that’s how I see it.

Does not offend me. I am just saying, would do anything possible to keep a baby in my family and away from someone like you. What a nightmare. I cannot even imagine.

What do you want! You don’t get to define what adoption is or how it impacts others based off your third hand googling knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

You are SICK. Your child was not born in a damn cabbage patch. Your child has a mother in addition to you. You cannot erase her. She exists, as does your child’s first family. By diminishing your child’s first family, you diminish your child’s true identity. And entirely for your own selfish ego, being insecure about your role as the mother.

No, you don't get it. You don't get to define how it works in our family. And, no, I am my child's only mother. Sadly, my child will never get to see their birthmother again. My child has one family. Its sad how you don't get it and feel you need to decide how adoption works in others families.

Your child has a mother who is not you. Even if she is dead, she is your child’s mother. You should have had a lot more therapy before adopting since you cannot grasp this fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this. I know someone who always refers to herself as the adoptive mom of her child. She is a single, never married parent, so maybe she wants people to know that she didn’t have an unmarried pregnancy, but I think it is odd. Why point out to your child all the time that they are adopted?

It may be to avoid the dad questions.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

How do you know the bio grandmother could have raised her? You can’t just snatch someone else’s child because you want to raise the child. The parents had every right to relinquish their child and sever all legal bonds to their family. The daughter could have been pressured into it by the boyfriend and coerced by the adoption agency counselors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

How do you know the bio grandmother could have raised her? You can’t just snatch someone else’s child because you want to raise the child. The parents had every right to relinquish their child and sever all legal bonds to their family. The daughter could have been pressured into it by the boyfriend and coerced by the adoption agency counselors.

What is your real motive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

You are SICK. Your child was not born in a damn cabbage patch. Your child has a mother in addition to you. You cannot erase her. She exists, as does your child’s first family. By diminishing your child’s first family, you diminish your child’s true identity. And entirely for your own selfish ego, being insecure about your role as the mother.

No, you don't get it. You don't get to define how it works in our family. And, no, I am my child's only mother. Sadly, my child will never get to see their birthmother again. My child has one family. Its sad how you don't get it and feel you need to decide how adoption works in others families.

Your child has a mother who is not you. Even if she is dead, she is your child’s mother. You should have had a lot more therapy before adopting since you cannot grasp this fact.

What are you rambling about? Of course I am my child’s mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

You are SICK. Your child was not born in a damn cabbage patch. Your child has a mother in addition to you. You cannot erase her. She exists, as does your child’s first family. By diminishing your child’s first family, you diminish your child’s true identity. And entirely for your own selfish ego, being insecure about your role as the mother.

No, you don't get it. You don't get to define how it works in our family. And, no, I am my child's only mother. Sadly, my child will never get to see their birthmother again. My child has one family. Its sad how you don't get it and feel you need to decide how adoption works in others families.

Your child has a mother who is not you. Even if she is dead, she is your child’s mother. You should have had a lot more therapy before adopting since you cannot grasp this fact.

What are you rambling about? Of course I am my child’s mother.

Your child has another mother. Dare I say it, your adopted child. You are NOT your child’s only mother. The fact that you have to reply to this indisputable fact shows how completely unhinged your are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

How do you know the bio grandmother could have raised her? You can’t just snatch someone else’s child because you want to raise the child. The parents had every right to relinquish their child and sever all legal bonds to their family. The daughter could have been pressured into it by the boyfriend and coerced by the adoption agency counselors.

What is your real motive?

Um. I’m avoiding sleep and replying to an unhinged person to share the perspective of a first family of adoptees, pointing out that in most cases of relinquishment of children, a grandparent is not offered the option to be a “backup parent.” So this PP’s friend’s condemnation of or resentment toward her grandmother may be displaced unless she knows for certain her birth mother asked the grandparent to raise the baby and was told no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

How do you know the bio grandmother could have raised her? You can’t just snatch someone else’s child because you want to raise the child. The parents had every right to relinquish their child and sever all legal bonds to their family. The daughter could have been pressured into it by the boyfriend and coerced by the adoption agency counselors.

What is your real motive?

Um. I’m avoiding sleep and replying to an unhinged person to share the perspective of a first family of adoptees, pointing out that in most cases of relinquishment of children, a grandparent is not offered the option to be a “backup parent.” So this PP’s friend’s condemnation of or resentment toward her grandmother may be displaced unless she knows for certain her birth mother asked the grandparent to raise the baby and was told no.

You are projecting and blaming others for your own situation. Fix you, not others.

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Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

You are SICK. Your child was not born in a damn cabbage patch. Your child has a mother in addition to you. You cannot erase her. She exists, as does your child’s first family. By diminishing your child’s first family, you diminish your child’s true identity. And entirely for your own selfish ego, being insecure about your role as the mother.

No, you don't get it. You don't get to define how it works in our family. And, no, I am my child's only mother. Sadly, my child will never get to see their birthmother again. My child has one family. Its sad how you don't get it and feel you need to decide how adoption works in others families.

Your child has a mother who is not you. Even if she is dead, she is your child’s mother. You should have had a lot more therapy before adopting since you cannot grasp this fact.

What are you rambling about? Of course I am my child’s mother.

Your child has another mother. Dare I say it, your adopted child. You are NOT your child’s only mother. The fact that you have to reply to this indisputable fact shows how completely unhinged your are.

No, my child has one mother.