Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

Or, it’s a show to justify the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

That was my takeaway as well reading that. If the birth family has multiple grandparents/ aunts/ whoever visiting and calling on a regular basis, where were they when this child’s birth mother was signing all parenting rights away? They could have kept this child in their family and apparently elected not to. Seems odd?

No, it’s not odd at all. So many reasons and none your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

You are so full of anger but also not making a ton of sense/ not actually reading posts very thoroughly?

A relative is constantly posting about their relative's adoption situation and is resentful that the birth family is involved with one child. Their posts are really inappropriate. That poster has not accepted the child into their family and is not happy about the adoption situation. Its not their decision or responsibility to manage or care. Its great the parents are doing what is best for that child.

I have zero anger. We have a lovely open adoption where we are all family.

Ok. I just saw the comments like "you don't get it" "back off" "thank goodness the child has the other family" and it seemed really angry at this other poster. You seem to agree that adoption situations are nuanced but don't give this poster any leeway to feel nuanced about her own family's adoption story. And to be frank, seeing that situation- where the birth family is heavily involved (great, if that is what all parties want then great!) but basically ignores the child's siblings, it sounds like the birth family "othering" the siblings which can have lasting impacts on sibling dynamics and further cement in everyone's mind that this one child, who came to the family via adoption, is "other" and "different" and has this "other family" that the siblings do not have. Honestly, I'd be uncomfortable with this as well if it were happening in my family, but, since it's not, I get that it's not my business to have an opinion and that's fine. But to offer a third party viewpoint- I see the downsides to this just like that poster does.

This is not happening in her family and she is a relative. These relatives are not the other kids relatives and owe them noting. The entire situation sounds made up. Daily contact. Doubtful. Weekly visits. Sounds like there is far more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

That was my takeaway as well reading that. If the birth family has multiple grandparents/ aunts/ whoever visiting and calling on a regular basis, where were they when this child’s birth mother was signing all parenting rights away? They could have kept this child in their family and apparently elected not to. Seems odd?

They may not be in a position to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

You are so full of anger but also not making a ton of sense/ not actually reading posts very thoroughly?

A relative is constantly posting about their relative's adoption situation and is resentful that the birth family is involved with one child. Their posts are really inappropriate. That poster has not accepted the child into their family and is not happy about the adoption situation. Its not their decision or responsibility to manage or care. Its great the parents are doing what is best for that child.

I have zero anger. We have a lovely open adoption where we are all family.

Ok. I just saw the comments like "you don't get it" "back off" "thank goodness the child has the other family" and it seemed really angry at this other poster. You seem to agree that adoption situations are nuanced but don't give this poster any leeway to feel nuanced about her own family's adoption story. And to be frank, seeing that situation- where the birth family is heavily involved (great, if that is what all parties want then great!) but basically ignores the child's siblings, it sounds like the birth family "othering" the siblings which can have lasting impacts on sibling dynamics and further cement in everyone's mind that this one child, who came to the family via adoption, is "other" and "different" and has this "other family" that the siblings do not have. Honestly, I'd be uncomfortable with this as well if it were happening in my family, but, since it's not, I get that it's not my business to have an opinion and that's fine. But to offer a third party viewpoint- I see the downsides to this just like that poster does.

This is not happening in her family and she is a relative. These relatives are not the other kids relatives and owe them noting. The entire situation sounds made up. Daily contact. Doubtful. Weekly visits. Sounds like there is far more to the story.

I don’t see it as someone “owing” the other kids anything. I see it as damaging the relationship between siblings by breeding resentment between them. If the parents, or the bio family members, really had this child’s best interests at heart they wouldn’t want to set up a situation where the child and his siblings were treated so vastly differently.

[Anonymous]

^^and further instills that this child who was adopted is “different” and “other” than their siblings. If I were that child’s parents I would insist on at least token appreciation of the child’s siblings- for the child’s own good- just as I’d shut down a godparent who visited weekly and fawned over their one godchild, showering it with gifts and love, while ignoring the sibling, when the sibling didn’t have a godparent or who had a very distant one. No. Things don’t have to be equal all the time for everyone but i wouldn’t allow my kids to have such clearly different treatment on such a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^and further instills that this child who was adopted is “different” and “other” than their siblings. If I were that child’s parents I would insist on at least token appreciation of the child’s siblings- for the child’s own good- just as I’d shut down a godparent who visited weekly and fawned over their one godchild, showering it with gifts and love, while ignoring the sibling, when the sibling didn’t have a godparent or who had a very distant one. No. Things don’t have to be equal all the time for everyone but i wouldn’t allow my kids to have such clearly different treatment on such a regular basis.

This is not a godchild situation and they may not be able to afford extras for another child nor is it their responsibility. Would it be nice? Sure but clearly there is a lot more to this and that posters hostility to the situation is a disaster for that child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^and further instills that this child who was adopted is “different” and “other” than their siblings. If I were that child’s parents I would insist on at least token appreciation of the child’s siblings- for the child’s own good- just as I’d shut down a godparent who visited weekly and fawned over their one godchild, showering it with gifts and love, while ignoring the sibling, when the sibling didn’t have a godparent or who had a very distant one. No. Things don’t have to be equal all the time for everyone but i wouldn’t allow my kids to have such clearly different treatment on such a regular basis.

This is not a godchild situation and they may not be able to afford extras for another child nor is it their responsibility. Would it be nice? Sure but clearly there is a lot more to this and that posters hostility to the situation is a disaster for that child.

You’re right, it’s not a godchild situation, I was just trying to think of an analogy. Either way- I wouldn’t let my child be fawned over on a daily/weekly basis while my other children went ignored, unless I wanted my children to be estranged from one another with layers of resentment as adults. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^and further instills that this child who was adopted is “different” and “other” than their siblings. If I were that child’s parents I would insist on at least token appreciation of the child’s siblings- for the child’s own good- just as I’d shut down a godparent who visited weekly and fawned over their one godchild, showering it with gifts and love, while ignoring the sibling, when the sibling didn’t have a godparent or who had a very distant one. No. Things don’t have to be equal all the time for everyone but i wouldn’t allow my kids to have such clearly different treatment on such a regular basis.

This is not a godchild situation and they may not be able to afford extras for another child nor is it their responsibility. Would it be nice? Sure but clearly there is a lot more to this and that posters hostility to the situation is a disaster for that child.

You’re right, it’s not a godchild situation, I was just trying to think of an analogy. Either way- I wouldn’t let my child be fawned over on a daily/weekly basis while my other children went ignored, unless I wanted my children to be estranged from one another with layers of resentment as adults. Sorry.

We don't' know the actual situation as this poster is a jealous intrusive relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

With a 15 year old, perhaps the grandmother did have a chance and wasn't in a position or didn't want to take on an additional child. Its funny how others talk about friends/relatives adoptions but have zero actual experiences with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

With a 15 year old, perhaps the grandmother did have a chance and wasn't in a position or didn't want to take on an additional child. Its funny how others talk about friends/relatives adoptions but have zero actual experiences with it.

It's equally funny how you so casually dismiss what I'm writing- that my actual, in real life friend has been actually discussing with me, recently in real life- and giving an alternative explanation (the grandmother wasn't in a position!) while simultaneously telling me I shouldn't talk about something I have no actual experience with. How about you sit down because you know less than nothing about my friend, and what her bio mom has been saying to her, and how she feels about it. And stop making up what you think probably happened while telling me to stop talking.

[Anonymous]

I have always found it incredible that grandparents or other family would not take a child that went for adoption. Grandparents are generally so crazy for grandchildren.

It is partially explained by the stigma of unwed mothers. The grandparents think, for the good of own daughter, her child must be sent away! Or else she will never make a good marriage etc. Very insecure mentality.

I just know if it were my grandchild, I wpuld move the earth to make sure that baby stayed with her mother, with me, or in the family generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always found it incredible that grandparents or other family would not take a child that went for adoption. Grandparents are generally so crazy for grandchildren.

It is partially explained by the stigma of unwed mothers. The grandparents think, for the good of own daughter, her child must be sent away! Or else she will never make a good marriage etc. Very insecure mentality.

I just know if it were my grandchild, I wpuld move the earth to make sure that baby stayed with her mother, with me, or in the family generally.

Not all grandparents are in a position to take care of a baby. Surely you can appreciate that what might work you wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Being crazy about grandkids is a totally different level than becoming a parent again after you’ve already done that with your own children.

As an adoptee; I have no ‘first family’. I have one family, the one who raise me and with whom I was raised. I have biological parents but they’re not my family. They’re just blood relatives. Sorry if that offends you but that’s how I see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always found it incredible that grandparents or other family would not take a child that went for adoption. Grandparents are generally so crazy for grandchildren.

It is partially explained by the stigma of unwed mothers. The grandparents think, for the good of own daughter, her child must be sent away! Or else she will never make a good marriage etc. Very insecure mentality.

I just know if it were my grandchild, I wpuld move the earth to make sure that baby stayed with her mother, with me, or in the family generally.

Not all grandparents are in a position to take care of a baby. Surely you can appreciate that what might work you wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Being crazy about grandkids is a totally different level than becoming a parent again after you’ve already done that with your own children.

As an adoptee; I have no ‘first family’. I have one family, the one who raise me and with whom I was raised. I have biological parents but they’re not my family. They’re just blood relatives. Sorry if that offends you but that’s how I see it.

Does not offend me. I am just saying, would do anything possible to keep a baby in my family and away from someone like you. What a nightmare. I cannot even imagine.