Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

[Anonymous]

One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

[Anonymous]

I hope you are correcting them every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

So, the biological dad is the dad? Or is your adopted kid a bastard too?

Just kidding. BTW, who uses the word bastard anymore? Aren't all kids of single unmarried parents, all adopted kids ...also bastards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

So, the biological dad is the dad? Or is your adopted kid a bastard too?

Just kidding. BTW, who uses the word bastard anymore? Aren't all kids of single unmarried parents, all adopted kids ...also bastards?

NP. I think you've missed the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

So, the biological dad is the dad? Or is your adopted kid a bastard too?

Just kidding. BTW, who uses the word bastard anymore? Aren't all kids of single unmarried parents, all adopted kids ...also bastards?

NP here,

The word bastard is highly offensive, I think the OP's point is that so is using "adopted child" in most contexts.

But plenty of children who are born to married couples are adopted.

[Anonymous]

As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this. I know someone who always refers to herself as the adoptive mom of her child. She is a single, never married parent, so maybe she wants people to know that she didn’t have an unmarried pregnancy, but I think it is odd. Why point out to your child all the time that they are adopted?

[Anonymous]

Yes, remember when everyone in the news always reminded people that Simone Biles' parents adopted her and they are biologically her grandparents? She had to directly ask them to stop because they were too stupid to know what they were doing was hurtful to the whole Biles family.

[Anonymous]

Agree completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this. I know someone who always refers to herself as the adoptive mom of her child. She is a single, never married parent, so maybe she wants people to know that she didn’t have an unmarried pregnancy, but I think it is odd. Why point out to your child all the time that they are adopted?

It may be to avoid the dad questions.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. My brother is adopted and it was a transracial adoption. I’m very prickly about this stuff, especially because it does seem like people who emphasize it are doing so in a way to make the relationship seem less-than. I’m not really one to say it’s “exactly the same!” because adoption is a different experience with different issues but it’s not a lesser relationship than a biological one or a favor from adopted family to adoptee, as also is sometimes hinted at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

Oh Jesus. No. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. Your kid does, and will probably make more than one decision about how they feel about that over the course of their life.

-PP with adopted brother who now has a biological family too, including other siblings from his first family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

Oh Jesus. No. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. Your kid does, and will probably make more than one decision about how they feel about that over the course of their life.

-PP with adopted brother who now has a biological family too, including other siblings from his first family

As a parent, yes, I decided it and our child knows no different. You don't get to decide how someone else feels or handles things. My child knows we are all family. His grandparents treat us like their children and we treat them like inlaws. There is no first family or second family. Why are you threatened by it?

Stop calling yoru brother the adopted brother. You clearly don't see him as an equal. No wonder he went back to his birth family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

Oh Jesus. No. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. Your kid does, and will probably make more than one decision about how they feel about that over the course of their life.

-PP with adopted brother who now has a biological family too, including other siblings from his first family

As a parent, yes, I decided it and our child knows no different. You don't get to decide how someone else feels or handles things. My child knows we are all family. His grandparents treat us like their children and we treat them like inlaws. There is no first family or second family. Why are you threatened by it?

Stop calling yoru brother the adopted brother. You clearly don't see him as an equal. No wonder he went back to his birth family.

Adoptive mom here. I agreed with the OP AND with the PP who mentioned the first family. I’m sorry but you (adoptive) parent do not get to decide if your child wants to erase all mention of their first family, which DOES exist in some form no matter what you want to be the truth. Unsure how old your kid is but I promise this sort of denial Can often lead to huge problems down the road. Maybe your kid will decide he-she wants no contact but you should leave the door open. Your kid is of that family and to dismiss them is to dismiss your kid … didnt a social worker go over this with you before you adopted? Is kind of adoption 101

Clearly you want to protect your child I think the adoptee who spoke up had some wise advice