Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

[Anonymous]

Careful, the weird anti-adoption troll comes to all the threads!

[Anonymous]

As someone who formed their family via adoption, I understand where OP is coming from---but agree with the PP who suggested that there are much bigger and important hills for OP to take a stand on.

The one that always got me was when people would constantly inquire "what happened to their REAL parents?" There is a voyeurism inherent in many people's inquiries to adoptive families which is incredibly insensitive. As one PP noted---there is always the trauma with adoption that a birth parent decided not to parent. No matter how much my DC can wrap their mind intellectually around the numerous reasons why that was--there is still residual pain. So when people ask adoptive parents the "but what happened to their REAL parents" question---essentially they are asking someone to disclose the most painful parts of their child's history to satisfy idle curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

So, the biological dad is the dad? Or is your adopted kid a bastard too?

Just kidding. BTW, who uses the word bastard anymore? Aren't all kids of single unmarried parents, all adopted kids ...also bastards?

NP here,

The word bastard is highly offensive, I think the OP's point is that so is using "adopted child" in most contexts.

But plenty of children who are born to married couples are adopted.

Really? They became orphans and were placed for adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

So, the biological dad is the dad? Or is your adopted kid a bastard too?

Just kidding. BTW, who uses the word bastard anymore? Aren't all kids of single unmarried parents, all adopted kids ...also bastards?

NP here,

The word bastard is highly offensive, I think the OP's point is that so is using "adopted child" in most contexts.

But plenty of children who are born to married couples are adopted.

Really? They became orphans and were placed for adoption?

I think they meant that there are married couples who give up infants for adoption while they are still married and typically also while they have other children.

[Anonymous]

OP is sounding like a child abductor. I bet she does not allow any milk cartons to come to the house!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this. I know someone who always refers to herself as the adoptive mom of her child. She is a single, never married parent, so maybe she wants people to know that she didn’t have an unmarried pregnancy, but I think it is odd. Why point out to your child all the time that they are adopted?

It may be to avoid the dad questions.

Hmm, could be. The child is of another race and doesn’t look biracial, so it is pretty obvious she is adopted. I just don’t get the need for mom to constantly refer to herself as “adoptive mom of Larla.” If i were the child , that would bother me.

[Anonymous]

I'm adopted and fully agree. If the adoptee refers to themselves as adopted, obviously nothing wrong there. But to single someone out as "different" is just cruel. It'd be beyond ridiculous to refer to me as my parent's adopted child and my sister as their IVF child lol

[Anonymous]

I mean, if it's actually relevant, like you're at the pediatricians and they are asking about family medical history, sure, it's your adopted child. But it's weird and off-putting when people volunteer that information about their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the adoptees I know personally have had major personal issues in life. Examples: kicked out of schools, personality disorders, jailed for sex offenses, the list goes on.

WTF???

Signed,
Adult adoptee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

OP do you also get mad when someone asks about your oldest child? Do you go on a rant about how you love all your children regardless of age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

Oh Jesus. No. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. Your kid does, and will probably make more than one decision about how they feel about that over the course of their life.

-PP with adopted brother who now has a biological family too, including other siblings from his first family

As a parent, yes, I decided it and our child knows no different. You don't get to decide how someone else feels or handles things. My child knows we are all family. His grandparents treat us like their children and we treat them like inlaws. There is no first family or second family. Why are you threatened by it?

Stop calling yoru brother the adopted brother. You clearly don't see him as an equal. No wonder he went back to his birth family.

Adoptive mom here. I agreed with the OP AND with the PP who mentioned the first family. I’m sorry but you (adoptive) parent do not get to decide if your child wants to erase all mention of their first family, which DOES exist in some form no matter what you want to be the truth. Unsure how old your kid is but I promise this sort of denial Can often lead to huge problems down the road. Maybe your kid will decide he-she wants no contact but you should leave the door open. Your kid is of that family and to dismiss them is to dismiss your kid … didnt a social worker go over this with you before you adopted? Is kind of adoption 101

Clearly you want to protect your child I think the adoptee who spoke up had some wise advice

What on earth are you talking about? My child doesn't have a first or second family. We are all family so there is no difference or denial. My child can talk to them when ever they want. By saying first family and second/adoptive family you are creating an unequal divide and making it very uncomfortable. This is 2022. Any decent parent who adopted has the birth family information and some kind of contact. My child doesn't need to find anyone or open any door. They can simply email, call, text, or FaceTime. And, they do. You all sound threatened by it all.

The point is that you don't get to decide that, your kid will make that decision later. You can raise your kid so family and 100% should but your child will have their own feelings and you will.have to roll with it. It really depends on the person.

Yes, I decided how to define the relationship and what kind of contact there is. Unlike you, I'm not threatened by adoption. You really think that would change? Are you simply not getting it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling was adopted and my parents only ever called her their child and not "adopted child". My sibling though doesn't like that. She's said that her relationship with her adopted parents is hers to decide and not the parents. She's also had a lot of trouble with my parents "erasing" her life story or how she began (note- it was a closed adoption of an infant and we always told her she was adopted and didn't lie about it, she didn't come in as an older child). She won't immediately say she's adopted or call our parents her adopted parents, but she usually lets others know. She feels that the truth is always the best.

My parent was also adopted and she says she understands. There's always trauma associated with adoption even if your adopted parents give you tons and tons of love... because there was always someone who didn't want you. (Parent's words, not mine).

Maybe she felt differently than you or your parents? Maybe she was treated differently than you by your parents. Sometimes its not just about adoption and your parents sound like something went wrong and they are blame shifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the adoptees I know personally have had major personal issues in life. Examples: kicked out of schools, personality disorders, jailed for sex offenses, the list goes on.

Funny, all the kids I know with those issues were not adopted.

[Anonymous]

I hate when the media describe famous people’s families as if they have two categories of kids (the adopted and non-adopted). It is never relevant to the story, and reflects their ignorance.