Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as there are sperm donors, there are egg donors and also uterus donors. They latter gave birth, but they are not the mother. That is just confusing to the child.

I have occasionally asked my closer friends who used an egg donor or a sperm donor (so many nowadays!) if they plan to share that info with their child(ren). Not a single couple plans to do that. Hush hush on the "real" mother or father?

That's why there is DNA. There are no more secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

I agree. You are the only parents because parents raise the children. Thus the term parent. The bio gave up the child for whatever reason.
Your family is the only family.

No, that's not what I mean at all. We are one family because we choose to be. No different from when you get married and have a MIL/FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as there are sperm donors, there are egg donors and also uterus donors. They latter gave birth, but they are not the mother. That is just confusing to the child.

I have occasionally asked my closer friends who used an egg donor or a sperm donor (so many nowadays!) if they plan to share that info with their child(ren). Not a single couple plans to do that. Hush hush on the "real" mother or father?

Your asking is extremely inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

For those who think they can do it so much better than those of us doing it, why don't you adopt? There are plenty of older kids in foster care who would love to have a home and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just as there are sperm donors, there are egg donors and also uterus donors. They latter gave birth, but they are not the mother. That is just confusing to the child.

I have occasionally asked my closer friends who used an egg donor or a sperm donor (so many nowadays!) if they plan to share that info with their child(ren). Not a single couple plans to do that. Hush hush on the "real" mother or father?

Your asking is extremely inappropriate.

No, it wasn't. If it were they would tell me. We are good friends, and we talk about topics like this. They have asked me all kids of questions about me adopting my child. They ask things like, do I plan to make adoption a big deal (not at all) while raising her, etc. And we discuss their use of sperm /egg/ embryo donors.

You are probably one of those sperm/ egg parents who do not plan to tell your children their biological origins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just as there are sperm donors, there are egg donors and also uterus donors. They latter gave birth, but they are not the mother. That is just confusing to the child.

I have occasionally asked my closer friends who used an egg donor or a sperm donor (so many nowadays!) if they plan to share that info with their child(ren). Not a single couple plans to do that. Hush hush on the "real" mother or father?

Your asking is extremely inappropriate.

No, it wasn't. If it were they would tell me. We are good friends, and we talk about topics like this. They have asked me all kids of questions about me adopting my child. They ask things like, do I plan to make adoption a big deal (not at all) while raising her, etc. And we discuss their use of sperm /egg/ embryo donors.

You are probably one of those sperm/ egg parents who do not plan to tell your children their biological origins.

No, I am a parent with a fully open adoption. You are wrong in asking.

[Anonymous]

She is perfectly fine in asking. They are friends.

I am shocked so many sperm/egg donor parents are not talking to their children about their origins from the beginning. What are they going to do-- spring it on them when they are 16? "Well, you are not really from mom / dad. We purchased sperm/egg to create you."

Families with adopted children have been talking to their children for decades now about their origins. (We talked about adoption from day 1, even before the kids knew what the word meant. ) It's time for sperm /egg donor families to get honest with their kids from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She is perfectly fine in asking. They are friends.

I am shocked so many sperm/egg donor parents are not talking to their children about their origins from the beginning. What are they going to do-- spring it on them when they are 16? "Well, you are not really from mom / dad. We purchased sperm/egg to create you."

Families with adopted children have been talking to their children for decades now about their origins. (We talked about adoption from day 1, even before the kids knew what the word meant. ) It's time for sperm /egg donor families to get honest with their kids from the beginning.

I think the pp sample is not the norm. I know many parents with donor conceived children and all (that I am aware of) plan to (or have) tell their children at young ages. I will tell my DC as early as possible. What people debate is whether to seek out families of donor “siblings” or wait and follow one’s child lead in terms of making contact. The research is pretty clear that it is better to tell children early. Adolescence is too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: She is perfectly fine in asking. They are friends.

I am shocked so many sperm/egg donor parents are not talking to their children about their origins from the beginning. What are they going to do-- spring it on them when they are 16? "Well, you are not really from mom / dad. We purchased sperm/egg to create you."

Families with adopted children have been talking to their children for decades now about their origins. (We talked about adoption from day 1, even before the kids knew what the word meant. ) It's time for sperm /egg donor families to get honest with their kids from the beginning.

I think the pp sample is not the norm. I know many parents with donor conceived children and all (that I am aware of) plan to (or have) tell their children at young ages. I will tell my DC as early as possible. What people debate is whether to seek out families of donor “siblings” or wait and follow one’s child lead in terms of making contact. The research is pretty clear that it is better to tell children early. Adolescence is too late.

PS I think the psychologist I had to see in order to use donor sperm also recommended telling early. But I also have read research studies which were very convincing. Most of the people I know have babies or very young children. I think even a decade ago telling early was not yet the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as there are sperm donors, there are egg donors and also uterus donors. They latter gave birth, but they are not the mother. That is just confusing to the child.

I have occasionally asked my closer friends who used an egg donor or a sperm donor (so many nowadays!) if they plan to share that info with their child(ren). Not a single couple plans to do that. Hush hush on the "real" mother or father?

I hope they do a full genetic history on their kids, then. That info is extremely important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the adoptees I know personally have had major personal issues in life. Examples: kicked out of schools, personality disorders, jailed for sex offenses, the list goes on.

WTF???

Signed,
Adult adoptee

Bill Clinton, Gerald Ford. And Ronald Reagan NEVER differentiated one of his children who was adopted from his biological children. It astounds me how insensitive some people are. It is really none of our damn business. If the child wants to discuss how they came into the family, IVF, or God forbid adoption, that is the child's right, not the snooty neighbor. I have several children, and they came into my family in different ways. The only one it seems to make a difference to is a snooty neighbor. How do I know? Well, it has come up on more than one occasion--one time it was one of the children in the neighborhood whose parents had told her that my child was adopted and she cruelly threw it in my child's face as an insult. It was rather traumatic, and yes your words do have consequences.

[Anonymous]

My DH and his twin brother were adopted at 3 days old. In their 40s now, DH's twin decided to track down the bio mom. DH was not interested. In the end, DH's brother said, "not worth it, bro."

And yes, I have the best in-laws one could ask for. My own parents are rather "lacking" in parenting skills and when I've had issues I always go to my in-laws for advice. My DH and his twin hit the jackpot with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Who tells a child they were not wanted at birth and she was just an incubator? So disgusting and so harmful for that child. I was adopted and my parents always told me I came from love no matter how I was born into this world. I can’t imagine having you as my adoptive parent. My mom let me know it’s okay to feel like I may want to know where I came from one day, and she would help me find them if I wanted to. I did want to know who they were, but decided I didn’t want the relationship. But I do feel better just knowing my own identity in a way and I thank my parents for allowing me to decide that for myself.

If you were conceived via rape, you were not from love. Your bio mother gave you up for her own reasons and what difference does it make. You have had a good life with parents who love you. Be grateful and shut up.

Most of us tell our kids things like they were placed out of love regardless of the truth. Truth comes later.

Not most of the people I know. Most of us were honest and told our kids we didn’t know why their mothers made the decision they did.

That only works if you don’t know. Some of us know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Who tells a child they were not wanted at birth and she was just an incubator? So disgusting and so harmful for that child. I was adopted and my parents always told me I came from love no matter how I was born into this world. I can’t imagine having you as my adoptive parent. My mom let me know it’s okay to feel like I may want to know where I came from one day, and she would help me find them if I wanted to. I did want to know who they were, but decided I didn’t want the relationship. But I do feel better just knowing my own identity in a way and I thank my parents for allowing me to decide that for myself.

If you were conceived via rape, you were not from love. Your bio mother gave you up for her own reasons and what difference does it make. You have had a good life with parents who love you. Be grateful and shut up.

Most of us tell our kids things like they were placed out of love regardless of the truth. Truth comes later.

Not most of the people I know. Most of us were honest and told our kids we didn’t know why their mothers made the decision they did.

That only works if you don’t know. Some of us know.

Of course. But I was responding to someone who thinks most people lie to their kids. Making up a story rather than being honest is just not what I’ve seen in my community.

[Anonymous]

The making up a story thing seems to be something people did in years past. That is something my 70-something parents told me. I’m also an adoptive parent of a teen and now the prevailing thought is to be honest with your child that you don’t know.