Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

You are SICK. Your child was not born in a damn cabbage patch. Your child has a mother in addition to you. You cannot erase her. She exists, as does your child’s first family. By diminishing your child’s first family, you diminish your child’s true identity. And entirely for your own selfish ego, being insecure about your role as the mother.

No, you don't get it. You don't get to define how it works in our family. And, no, I am my child's only mother. Sadly, my child will never get to see their birthmother again. My child has one family. Its sad how you don't get it and feel you need to decide how adoption works in others families.

Your child has a mother who is not you. Even if she is dead, she is your child’s mother. You should have had a lot more therapy before adopting since you cannot grasp this fact.

What are you rambling about? Of course I am my child’s mother.

Your child has another mother. Dare I say it, your adopted child. You are NOT your child’s only mother. The fact that you have to reply to this indisputable fact shows how completely unhinged your are.

No, my child has one mother.

New poster here. What do you call the person whose uterus he came from?

[Anonymous]

This is such a hot button issue. When strangers or people qualify the child as adopted it’s offensive. Saying this does not deny the child came from another family. With everything stop the absolutes. Each child may feel different! My brother was adopted and never wanted to find his adopted family. He was clear he had a family- us. By circumstance he found his biological family and they are lovely. Now we are a bigger interconnected family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

What a peculiar outlook.

You don’t like something and then turn around and demand that identification you don’t like be bluntly applied in other instances? What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly. There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives. If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity. You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents. Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others? Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact. And, those families all consider each other family. Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term.

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids. You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them. You are some random family member and sound off. Back off. When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about. You don’t consider this child part of the family. Thank goodness they have the other family.

Then why was the adoption even necessary?

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to.

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today.

That's very possible. It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young! she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents.

How do you know the bio grandmother could have raised her? You can’t just snatch someone else’s child because you want to raise the child. The parents had every right to relinquish their child and sever all legal bonds to their family. The daughter could have been pressured into it by the boyfriend and coerced by the adoption agency counselors.

You’re making up possible scenarios. I am telling you the actual truth of this specific situation. Back off. Not every adoption story is the same and in this one particular instance, the bio grandma could have adopted and chose not to, and now guilts the adult bio granddaughter into more contact than she is interested in. That’s it. Sorry that it doesn’t fit your narrative.

[Anonymous]

OP Why would you tell anyone your child is adopted? I get that family will know, but anyone else shouldn't have that info. You should always just refer to your children as your children.

I can't imagine even family using the term "adopted". And yes I would correct them..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

I agree. You are the only parents because parents raise the children. Thus the term parent. The bio gave up the child for whatever reason.
Your family is the only family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

You are SICK. Your child was not born in a damn cabbage patch. Your child has a mother in addition to you. You cannot erase her. She exists, as does your child’s first family. By diminishing your child’s first family, you diminish your child’s true identity. And entirely for your own selfish ego, being insecure about your role as the mother.

No, you don't get it. You don't get to define how it works in our family. And, no, I am my child's only mother. Sadly, my child will never get to see their birthmother again. My child has one family. Its sad how you don't get it and feel you need to decide how adoption works in others families.

Your child has a mother who is not you. Even if she is dead, she is your child’s mother. You should have had a lot more therapy before adopting since you cannot grasp this fact.

What are you rambling about? Of course I am my child’s mother.

Your child has another mother. Dare I say it, your adopted child. You are NOT your child’s only mother. The fact that you have to reply to this indisputable fact shows how completely unhinged your are.

No, my child has one mother.

New poster here. What do you call the person whose uterus he came from?

An incubator who didn't want the child.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Who tells a child they were not wanted at birth and she was just an incubator? So disgusting and so harmful for that child. I was adopted and my parents always told me I came from love no matter how I was born into this world. I can’t imagine having you as my adoptive parent. My mom let me know it’s okay to feel like I may want to know where I came from one day, and she would help me find them if I wanted to. I did want to know who they were, but decided I didn’t want the relationship. But I do feel better just knowing my own identity in a way and I thank my parents for allowing me to decide that for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Who tells a child they were not wanted at birth and she was just an incubator? So disgusting and so harmful for that child. I was adopted and my parents always told me I came from love no matter how I was born into this world. I can’t imagine having you as my adoptive parent. My mom let me know it’s okay to feel like I may want to know where I came from one day, and she would help me find them if I wanted to. I did want to know who they were, but decided I didn’t want the relationship. But I do feel better just knowing my own identity in a way and I thank my parents for allowing me to decide that for myself.

No one here said they would tell their child that. Read carefully. And that's great, your mom handled that exactly as should.

[Anonymous]

totally agree with the op and it is a shame everything has to be labeled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Why would you tell anyone your child is adopted? I get that family will know, but anyone else shouldn't have that info. You should always just refer to your children as your children.

I can't imagine even family using the term "adopted". And yes I would correct them..

Honestly some adopted children prefer it and introduce themselves that way. Not because there's anything wrong with adoption or being a biological child. Some people just like everything out in the open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Why would you tell anyone your child is adopted? I get that family will know, but anyone else shouldn't have that info. You should always just refer to your children as your children.

I can't imagine even family using the term "adopted". And yes I would correct them..

Honestly some adopted children prefer it and introduce themselves that way. Not because there's anything wrong with adoption or being a biological child. Some people just like everything out in the open.

What about trans racial adoption issues? My cousin fostered then adopted a little girl and she's made a conceted effort to, for instance learn how to do her hair and talked to professionals about raising her daughter in a way so she can interface with her heritage. My cousin is herself adopted but her experience was through an open adoption was different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the adoptees I know personally have had major personal issues in life. Examples: kicked out of schools, personality disorders, jailed for sex offenses, the list goes on.

Hey- I am adopted, and I know many other adoptees. I have no issues that you refer to or any other of any concern. I have multiple degrees, long happy marriage, well adjusted children, never did drugs, don't have a personality disorder, get along well in work, home, and school environments. I also know people who were not adopted and do have some or all. Why does this stereotype prevail...I haven't seen this and I've been around 6 decades.
So just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Why would you tell anyone your child is adopted? I get that family will know, but anyone else shouldn't have that info. You should always just refer to your children as your children.

I can't imagine even family using the term "adopted". And yes I would correct them..

Honestly some adopted children prefer it and introduce themselves that way. Not because there's anything wrong with adoption or being a biological child. Some people just like everything out in the open.

Most kids prefer not to be different. You really don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Just as there are sperm donors, there are egg donors and also uterus donors. They latter gave birth, but they are not the mother. That is just confusing to the child.

I have occasionally asked my closer friends who used an egg donor or a sperm donor (so many nowadays!) if they plan to share that info with their child(ren). Not a single couple plans to do that. Hush hush on the "real" mother or father?