Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

[Anonymous]

Look, I get your point and I don’t disagree with you. However, if you take offense this easily, life is going to be very unpleasant. Just let it go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

Oh Jesus. No. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. Your kid does, and will probably make more than one decision about how they feel about that over the course of their life.

-PP with adopted brother who now has a biological family too, including other siblings from his first family

As a parent, yes, I decided it and our child knows no different. You don't get to decide how someone else feels or handles things. My child knows we are all family. His grandparents treat us like their children and we treat them like inlaws. There is no first family or second family. Why are you threatened by it?

Stop calling yoru brother the adopted brother. You clearly don't see him as an equal. No wonder he went back to his birth family.

Adoptive mom here. I agreed with the OP AND with the PP who mentioned the first family. I’m sorry but you (adoptive) parent do not get to decide if your child wants to erase all mention of their first family, which DOES exist in some form no matter what you want to be the truth. Unsure how old your kid is but I promise this sort of denial Can often lead to huge problems down the road. Maybe your kid will decide he-she wants no contact but you should leave the door open. Your kid is of that family and to dismiss them is to dismiss your kid … didnt a social worker go over this with you before you adopted? Is kind of adoption 101

Clearly you want to protect your child I think the adoptee who spoke up had some wise advice

What on earth are you talking about? My child doesn't have a first or second family. We are all family so there is no difference or denial. My child can talk to them when ever they want. By saying first family and second/adoptive family you are creating an unequal divide and making it very uncomfortable. This is 2022. Any decent parent who adopted has the birth family information and some kind of contact. My child doesn't need to find anyone or open any door. They can simply email, call, text, or FaceTime. And, they do. You all sound threatened by it all.

[Anonymous]

I could see how in a very open adoption situation that the concept of "first family" doesn't necessarily apply, but in many many situations, it does.

It's best to stay flexible and let the person who was adopted frame things in the way that makes sense to them, and this will probably change over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

Oh Jesus. No. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. Your kid does, and will probably make more than one decision about how they feel about that over the course of their life.

-PP with adopted brother who now has a biological family too, including other siblings from his first family

As a parent, yes, I decided it and our child knows no different. You don't get to decide how someone else feels or handles things. My child knows we are all family. His grandparents treat us like their children and we treat them like inlaws. There is no first family or second family. Why are you threatened by it?

Stop calling yoru brother the adopted brother. You clearly don't see him as an equal. No wonder he went back to his birth family.

Adoptive mom here. I agreed with the OP AND with the PP who mentioned the first family. I’m sorry but you (adoptive) parent do not get to decide if your child wants to erase all mention of their first family, which DOES exist in some form no matter what you want to be the truth. Unsure how old your kid is but I promise this sort of denial Can often lead to huge problems down the road. Maybe your kid will decide he-she wants no contact but you should leave the door open. Your kid is of that family and to dismiss them is to dismiss your kid … didnt a social worker go over this with you before you adopted? Is kind of adoption 101

Clearly you want to protect your child I think the adoptee who spoke up had some wise advice

What on earth are you talking about? My child doesn't have a first or second family. We are all family so there is no difference or denial. My child can talk to them when ever they want. By saying first family and second/adoptive family you are creating an unequal divide and making it very uncomfortable. This is 2022. Any decent parent who adopted has the birth family information and some kind of contact. My child doesn't need to find anyone or open any door. They can simply email, call, text, or FaceTime. And, they do. You all sound threatened by it all.

The point is that you don't get to decide that, your kid will make that decision later. You can raise your kid so family and 100% should but your child will have their own feelings and you will.have to roll with it. It really depends on the person.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You have strong opinions about this, but the child gets to develop their own opinions. And they trump yours, as they should.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I get your point and I don’t disagree with you. However, if you take offense this easily, life is going to be very unpleasant. Just let it go

Agree. The shrillness, self-righteousness and anger demonstrated is very concerning and doesn't bode well for a healthy psychological environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I get your point and I don’t disagree with you. However, if you take offense this easily, life is going to be very unpleasant. Just let it go

Agree. The shrillness, self-righteousness and anger demonstrated is very concerning and doesn't bode well for a healthy psychological environment.

This is what I was thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too.

I don't see it like you do. My child doesn't have a first family and second family. My child has one family who joined together to give the child the best possible life. We all consider ourselves family and just like families join for marriage, they join for adoption. Grandparents are grandparents, aunts/uncles are aunts/uncles, no different in our home.

You don't know how each family who adopts treats the situation but for us, there is no first family. We took our child home from the hospital and we are the only family this child has had.

Oh Jesus. No. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. Your kid does, and will probably make more than one decision about how they feel about that over the course of their life.

-PP with adopted brother who now has a biological family too, including other siblings from his first family

As a parent, yes, I decided it and our child knows no different. You don't get to decide how someone else feels or handles things. My child knows we are all family. His grandparents treat us like their children and we treat them like inlaws. There is no first family or second family. Why are you threatened by it?

Stop calling yoru brother the adopted brother. You clearly don't see him as an equal. No wonder he went back to his birth family.

Adoptive mom here. I agreed with the OP AND with the PP who mentioned the first family. I’m sorry but you (adoptive) parent do not get to decide if your child wants to erase all mention of their first family, which DOES exist in some form no matter what you want to be the truth. Unsure how old your kid is but I promise this sort of denial Can often lead to huge problems down the road. Maybe your kid will decide he-she wants no contact but you should leave the door open. Your kid is of that family and to dismiss them is to dismiss your kid … didnt a social worker go over this with you before you adopted? Is kind of adoption 101

Clearly you want to protect your child I think the adoptee who spoke up had some wise advice

What on earth are you talking about? My child doesn't have a first or second family. We are all family so there is no difference or denial. My child can talk to them when ever they want. By saying first family and second/adoptive family you are creating an unequal divide and making it very uncomfortable. This is 2022. Any decent parent who adopted has the birth family information and some kind of contact. My child doesn't need to find anyone or open any door. They can simply email, call, text, or FaceTime. And, they do. You all sound threatened by it all.

I think your initial post was a little confusing and was interpreted to mean his biological relatives were not part of his family--only his adopted relatives were. I think you are saying the opposite--that you're all just family regardless of biological connection. Your "there's no first family" means that one family isn't privatized over the other but can easily be read as erasing the existence of his biological family.

[Anonymous]

My sibling was adopted and my parents only ever called her their child and not "adopted child". My sibling though doesn't like that. She's said that her relationship with her adopted parents is hers to decide and not the parents. She's also had a lot of trouble with my parents "erasing" her life story or how she began (note- it was a closed adoption of an infant and we always told her she was adopted and didn't lie about it, she didn't come in as an older child). She won't immediately say she's adopted or call our parents her adopted parents, but she usually lets others know. She feels that the truth is always the best.

My parent was also adopted and she says she understands. There's always trauma associated with adoption even if your adopted parents give you tons and tons of love... because there was always someone who didn't want you. (Parent's words, not mine).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

Me thinks thou are the one who protests too much and you feel an adopted child is a second class citizen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids joined my family through adoption and let me tell you that I do not like when others refer to my kid as an adopted child. My kid is my child. Period. I would love if some of those people who label my kid as an adopted child, also labeled kids who the product of a surrogate, oh look at that surrogate child, or the kid who may have been fertilized by the sperm of someone other than their father, oh look at that bastard, or the kid whose mother used another women's egg. My kid does not keep how they came into the family a secret, but that does not mean that people should define who they are by how they joined the family. My kid is my child.

Me thinks thou are the one who protests too much and you feel an adopted child is a second class citizen.

I am guessing this might be the same person who was posting on the "Tell Me About Adoption" and decided to start this one as their own self-aggrandizing and self-righteous adoption platform.

[Anonymous]

This is so interesting. I totally understand and basically agree with OP… no child needs to be referred to as an adopted child. But Ive learned so much from adopted kids that I know they often don’t see it as simple as OP states. You can be 100 percent your parent’s child and at the same time still have a more complicated story.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to focus on your children and let go of this drama you’ve built up in your head.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine who in the world is doing this to you OP! Are people like, "let me intoduce Jane, and Joe, and their adopted daughter, Larla"? In what context does this ever come up? Is there, perhaps a MIL who harps on it? Genuinely want to know. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

All the adoptees I know personally have had major personal issues in life. Examples: kicked out of schools, personality disorders, jailed for sex offenses, the list goes on.