Reply to Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "Child Joining Family through Adoption is NOT an Adopted Child"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As an adoptee, I understand why it’s so annoying to always have that adjective mentioned. And I agree with you that there’s something very “othering” in the way some people speak about adoptees, particularly in the way they almost pathologically mention the adoption when mentioning the child. It gives the impression that the child doesn’t fully belong in their adoptive family, which is terribly cruel to the child.

But, it’s also true that we adoptees have two families: our first families and our adoptive families. And we belong - albeit in different ways - to both. So, yes, your adopted child is your child and not just your adopted child. They are also a child of their first family. It took me decades of therapy to find a way to have an integrated identity because my adoptive parents insisted I was “only” theirs, which your comments seem to suggest as well. Just watch for that with your adopted child. It can be very damaging too. [/quote]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you for articulating this so perfectly.  There are some adoptive parents who want to erase the fact that their children are adopted, pretend there is no difference, and erase the existence of an adopted child’s first family.

Children who join your family through adoption are already members of another family for their whole lives.  If you do this right, you embrace that and allow your child to fully be part of both families, as part of their identity.  You are the legal parent, and your child also has other parents.  Whether or not you use the adjective “adopted”, do not erase your child’s full identity.[/quote]

Who are you to define what adoption looks like for others?  Believe it or not its 2022 and some families get along and have regular contact.  And, those families all consider each other family.  Its called open adoption.

And, no, my child has one set of parents.  [/quote]

But you have included his grandparents in your family? I am confused. What role do the birth parents have in your family?[/quote]

This is where open adoption becomes challenging. In our situation the couple have a biological child and then adopted another child via an open adoption. The adopted child's birth family (mother, father, grandparents, siblings) are fully integrated into the family's life and have almost daily contact, visit weekly, and attend all holiday celebrations. Here's the challenge: they do not consider the couple's biological child their child/grandchild/niece and while not dismissive, it is obvious they are more connected to their birth child. As time goes on the differences are being noted by both children and ultimately no one knows how this will affect them psychologically in the long term. [/quote]

This is not your situation, it is their situation and they are under no obligation to pretend for both kids.  You don’t get it and you don’t get to define adoption for them.  You are some random family member and sound off.  Back off.  When you call the child the adopted child, you clearly have not accepted them and are what op is talking about.  You don’t consider this child part of the family.  [b]Thank goodness they have the other family.  [/b][/quote]

Then why was the adoption even necessary? [/quote]

I have a friend (we are in our 30s) who was adopted and she recently has been in contact with her birth moms family (her birth mom unfortunately is now deceased). They are all about frequent FaceTime calls and praising mother Mary that “their beloved grandbaby” has finally “made it back to them” and “they’ve prayed every night for her”. My friend is kind of like…. But when my birth mother was 15 and pregnant you weren’t exactly interested in keeping me, so why all the tears and prayers every day since I “left”? It’s unsettling to her and , in her words, is a constant reminder that they could have taken her in but chose not to. [/quote]

Perhaps your friend and her family were subjected to a hard-sell pitch from an adoption agency, who said the best thing for the child was to be taken away and raised by someone else. Not at all uncommon 30 years ago, or even today. [/quote]

That's very possible.  It doesn't make my friend feel any less crappy that her bio grandmother had a chance to keep her and raise her (she was still young!  she had pre teen kids still!) but didn't, and now guilts my friend into keeping in contact with her, after my friend was raised by abusive adoptive parents. [/quote]

How do you know the bio grandmother could have raised her?  You can’t just snatch someone else’s child because you want to raise the child.  The parents had every right to relinquish their child and sever all legal bonds to their family.  The daughter could have been pressured into it by the boyfriend and coerced by the adoption agency counselors.  [/quote]

What is your real motive?   [/quote]

Um.  I’m avoiding sleep and replying to an unhinged person to share the perspective of a first family of adoptees, pointing out that in most cases of relinquishment of children, a grandparent is not offered the option to be a “backup parent.”  So this PP’s friend’s condemnation of or resentment toward her grandmother may be displaced unless she knows for certain her birth mother asked the grandparent to raise the baby and was told no.[/quote]

You are projecting and blaming others for your own situation.  Fix you, not others. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics