Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. This girl is not friends with your son. She’s friends with your daughter. It’s time your kids start making their own separate friends. They can still do activities together but you can’t force kids to be friends with both of them.

This. Absolutely not. Don’t hoist your other child on them. It will ruin the purpose and dynamic of the girls play date.

This is a mean mom who will end up with a mean girl who excludes people. Good grief, they are a month into kindergarten, it’s not like the two girls are lifelong besties who need to exclude people to uphold the “purpose and dynamic” of their play date.

Huh?! Have you ever hosted a 3 kid play date? It’s infinitely more work than a 2 or 4 kid play date. This dynamic sets up the host kid as being the odd man out. It doesn’t make sense.

Yes, as a twin mom I have hosted many 3 kid play dates by default. More often than not there is no odd man out (truly!) but it’s nearly never the non twin.

You keep doubling down on this, but the point remains, this is no different than any other parent requiring a sibling to tag along on every play date. Sure, I can make it work if I’m doing you a favor, but do I want every play date to be about YOU on your terms? Probably not. Sometimes there are family dynamics that are important for the host family too—did you ever think about that? Someone gave the example of a parent who has a baby in addition to the elementary school kid. I’ll give another. I have two kids and I tell each one they can invite one friend over. This works well for my family. If one kid gets 2 friends then my other kid wants 2 friends too and that’s way too many kids to supervise easily. Then the fun and enjoyable play date becomes work and exhausting.

The end result is both your kids will receive fewer invitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. Don’t ask. I know it’s hard to think outside your bubble but adding an extra kid does make a big difference to some people. I have a baby in addition to my 5 year old.

Play dates with one other child are manageable, but add in two unknown children and it’s chaotic. I simply do not have a enough hands to manage it at this point. Plus it completely changes the dynamic. It’s much harder to keep 3 kids quiet during nap time. It’s harder to keep track of where they are. Everything is harder. Don’t ask. It’s rude.

Twin mom. I totally get this and I think this is legit and I appreciate the honesty. I do get it. It’s just a bummer - parenting baby/toddler twins is SO incredibly difficult and isolating. And if I want to host a play date, I have to manage a minimum of three kids. It gets much easier as they all get older. As a twin parent, I would have been happy to stay to help or would have welcomed a meet up at a playground where the burden wasn’t all on you but where my kids weren’t just universally excluded.

By insisting that your children must do everything together YOU are making the choice to exclude your children.

Where did I insist anyone must do everything together? I can’t take one to the playground and leave one home alone, so in that case yes, they would both come. But I’d send one twin to a friend’s house. My point is that I would be willing to help ease the burden if both were legitimately invited by someone who might feel apprehensive or overwhelmed. But you jumped to the idea that I was insisting something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

DP
But that is not always how invitation decisions are made. This is when it is beneficial to expand their worlds so each has a separate space with some of their own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No - don’t ask. K is time for your kids to start having their own identities separate from being a twin. I wouldn’t bring a sibling along on a play date - twins are no different.

If you cared to get to know them you would know they have identities already. What a bizarre thing to say.

Ummm you’re contradicting yourself if they’re not allowed to do anything alone…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 y o twin b/g. They are very close and usually have the same friends.
They are in different classrooms this year. The girl twin has a classroom friend she is got close to.
The mom is organizing a play date for her and my DD. I was wondering if it would be ok to ask if her twin can join?
He knows the girl and the 3 of them play together. They never had separate play date before and I don’t think he will take it well.
Also most of his friends are girls anyway which means DD would automatically be invited to any play date he might have.
I am wondering if I could ask for it for this one time while I ease him into doing his own stuffs.

If this ok to ask? If yes what is the best way to ask?

I’d set up a separate play date for your son at the same time.

I am on the other side of this. My son is friends with twins. They are very different kids and he favors one over the other. I’ve invited them both over for play dates in the past. But my son just wants to spend time with twin he really likes. I never know what to do now - so I just don’t invite either over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No - don’t ask. K is time for your kids to start having their own identities separate from being a twin. I wouldn’t bring a sibling along on a play date - twins are no different.

If you cared to get to know them you would know they have identities already. What a bizarre thing to say.

Ummm you’re contradicting yourself if they’re not allowed to do anything alone…

I’m not the OP and I don’t know what you are talking about. I never said that. The idea that 5 y/o twins only have one identity whether they do everything together or not is patently ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 y o twin b/g. They are very close and usually have the same friends.
They are in different classrooms this year. The girl twin has a classroom friend she is got close to.
The mom is organizing a play date for her and my DD. I was wondering if it would be ok to ask if her twin can join?
He knows the girl and the 3 of them play together. They never had separate play date before and I don’t think he will take it well.
Also most of his friends are girls anyway which means DD would automatically be invited to any play date he might have.
I am wondering if I could ask for it for this one time while I ease him into doing his own stuffs.

If this ok to ask? If yes what is the best way to ask?

I’d set up a separate play date for your son at the same time.

I am on the other side of this. My son is friends with twins. They are very different kids and he favors one over the other. I’ve invited them both over for play dates in the past. But my son just wants to spend time with twin he really likes. I never know what to do now - so I just don’t invite either over.

This often happens. My son is older (not elementary anymore). He was friends with twin, but really only one. The parents always sent both boy twins over. There was absolutely no way to have just his friend--and he didn't particularly like the other boy. End result is that my son just drifted away from the friend because the parents would never let them do anything alone.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- I no longer invite any twins for play dates, because parents always assume both are invited and then it’s extra work for me. Always drop off, course, with the uninvited twins. I’ve learned my lesson now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

You don't tell them that the host kid doesn't like them. Unless there is a pattern of the host kid not inviting the same kid, or otherwise demonstrating that they don't consider the kid a friend at all, you say that they host kid wants a playdate with just Larla this time, or that maybe the host kid feels closer to Larla. There are degrees of friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

You are missing a critical step here. No one here is saying they would exclude Twin A just because Twin B exists.

They are saying they would move away from supporting a relationship with Twin A if moms like OP insist that Twin B come every time.

I actually think some people ARE saying they would exclude twin A just because twin B exists. See nanny above plus some others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 y o twin b/g. They are very close and usually have the same friends.
They are in different classrooms this year. The girl twin has a classroom friend she is got close to.
The mom is organizing a play date for her and my DD. I was wondering if it would be ok to ask if her twin can join?
He knows the girl and the 3 of them play together. They never had separate play date before and I don’t think he will take it well.
Also most of his friends are girls anyway which means DD would automatically be invited to any play date he might have.
I am wondering if I could ask for it for this one time while I ease him into doing his own stuffs.

If this ok to ask? If yes what is the best way to ask?

I’d set up a separate play date for your son at the same time.

I am on the other side of this. My son is friends with twins. They are very different kids and he favors one over the other. I’ve invited them both over for play dates in the past. But my son just wants to spend time with twin he really likes. I never know what to do now - so I just don’t invite either over.

Similar thing here. I did invite both twins over, but DD gravitates towards one, and then the other twin is the third wheel. They've drifted apart, mostly because the playdates didn't go nearly as well as they would have, without the other twin there.

This often happens. My son is older (not elementary anymore). He was friends with twin, but really only one. The parents always sent both boy twins over. There was absolutely no way to have just his friend--and he didn't particularly like the other boy. End result is that my son just drifted away from the friend because the parents would never let them do anything alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. Don’t ask. I know it’s hard to think outside your bubble but adding an extra kid does make a big difference to some people. I have a baby in addition to my 5 year old.

Play dates with one other child are manageable, but add in two unknown children and it’s chaotic. I simply do not have a enough hands to manage it at this point. Plus it completely changes the dynamic. It’s much harder to keep 3 kids quiet during nap time. It’s harder to keep track of where they are. Everything is harder. Don’t ask. It’s rude.

Twin mom. I totally get this and I think this is legit and I appreciate the honesty. I do get it. It’s just a bummer - parenting baby/toddler twins is SO incredibly difficult and isolating. And if I want to host a play date, I have to manage a minimum of three kids. It gets much easier as they all get older. As a twin parent, I would have been happy to stay to help or would have welcomed a meet up at a playground where the burden wasn’t all on you but where my kids weren’t just universally excluded.

By insisting that your children must do everything together YOU are making the choice to exclude your children.

Where did I insist anyone must do everything together? I can’t take one to the playground and leave one home alone, so in that case yes, they would both come. But I’d send one twin to a friend’s house. My point is that I would be willing to help ease the burden if both were legitimately invited by someone who might feel apprehensive or overwhelmed. But you jumped to the idea that I was insisting something?

It's hard to figure out who is posting, but there are definitely twin moms on here taking umbrage at the idea that anyone would expect their twins to do something separate, and that not wanting to invite both twins is because they hate twins, or don't understand their special bond, or whatever. If you insist that your kids do everything together, they will get left out. If you make clear that you are okay with your kids having separate playdates, then other parents will pick up on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

You are missing a critical step here. No one here is saying they would exclude Twin A just because Twin B exists.

They are saying they would move away from supporting a relationship with Twin A if moms like OP insist that Twin B come every time.

I actually think some people ARE saying they would exclude twin A just because twin B exists. See nanny above plus some others.

The nanny said it's because of bad past experiences. So they exclude twins because they've had the experience of a parent insisting that both twins be invited, or just bringing both twins even when only one was invited. I mean, it stinks, but it's because of the behavior of parents. I'd guess if you proactively made it clear that you are okay with your twins being invited separately, you wouldn't see this.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids are in DIFFERENT classes!

This is the first play date this mom is organizing for her daughter and your daughter. I think it’s incredibly awkward for you to ask for the FIRST play date to include a sibling.

From the mom’s perspective, her daughter met a girl in her class that she likes and invited her over to play. She doesn’t know you. The first interaction would be asking for your other kid in a different class to crash the play date. This also sets the tone that you’re the type of parent who doesn’t allow individual activities for your kids. If I was that mom and this was a budding friendship, I would encourage play dates with other classmates in the future.