Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Hello pp, I am also recovering from a tumultuous emotional affair. I understand all your feelings. Especially the shame- it all just feels so darn stupid to me. Here I am roiling over this man who is nowhere near my circle of friends and family and who I never even had actual sex with. But he was my passion and my addiction for long enough that I still think about him.

Our respective crappy marriages left us intensely vulnerable, and there are a lot of men out there who are delighted by the adoration of an attractive, sad woman. They’re just as damaged as we are, if not more so.

For me dealing with my marriage has been my true road to healing. Within myself I am also accepting that my marriage may not have much gas once my kids leave the nest, and I am accepting that. But the understanding between myself and DH is much better.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I am also at the point in realizing once the kids leave the nest, so will I. It makes me sad because that’s another decade wasted without a meaningful, emotional connection. But this EA was really just a fantasy that’s didn’t even exist. He faked the entire thing.

How did you end up with an understanding with your DH? Did he find out about the EA?

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP. my affair lasted around 5 years. We are somewhat intwined, but outside family and friend circles. It feels like a death. I haven’t had contact with him, so death not divorce.

[Anonymous]

My friend says her DH would come home and his face would smell like the OW's.... you know.

But if she confronted him he'd do the whole "you're crazy" gaslighting thing.

She's mercifully divorced. Not sure her kids will ever get over what they witnessed though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

Not sure I agree. I see many cases where the men are just not happy in the marriage...they would rather take their chances getting outside of marriage what their marriage lacks--sex. If they get caught, so be it. They don't feel like they lost out. If they get away with it. they come out ahead.

For wealthy men especially, the decision calculus makes cheating rational if they are deeply unhappy...better than not seeing their kids and loosing 1/2 the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP. my affair lasted around 5 years. We are somewhat intwined, but outside family and friend circles. It feels like a death. I haven’t had contact with him, so death not divorce.

No contact, but intwined? Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Oh girl, when it comes to that man you will be alright. You are reeling from the betrayal of how someone could treat you that way. The answer is that he has a screw loose. Other than your pride you haven't actually lost anything with him, which is good. Chalk this up as a wake up call. A rude awakening.

The real issue here is your marriage and your husband. That is why the crazy love bomber guy seemed better in comparison. I assume being married to an alcoholic involves so many issues. Selfishness and neglect on his part, and resentment by you for having to pick up the slack and cover for him. Some alcoholics can be abusive. The real question is what is appropriate for you tolerate in your marriage. Focus on resolving that, a serious issue, instead of the love clown.

PS - The love you are seeking actually is inside of you. Maybe start there.

So the married guy is the bad guy—not the married woman willing to play along? I love how all the willing gung-ho to cheat on their husband women always manage to portray themselves as victims. When the affair goes up in smoke they want sympathy yet they were hurting another woman/kids in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Began to triangulate you with his wife? I think you’ve got that backwards. How did he use religion against you? That’s low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I am also at the point in realizing once the kids leave the nest, so will I. It makes me sad because that’s another decade wasted without a meaningful, emotional connection. But this EA was really just a fantasy that’s didn’t even exist. He faked the entire thing.

How did you end up with an understanding with your DH? Did he find out about the EA?

I confessed about the EA to DH. It seemed to be a wake up call to him- he threw himself fully into saving our marriage. We are in marriage counseling and he is more loving, affectionate, intimate, willing to do anything I ask. I see how much he loves our kids and I love him again, but the rest of the time, I am very meh. It may all be too little too late. He was very abusive and my trust in him is broken. Six months of good behavior can’t completely clean up over a decade of increasingly terrible behavior.

The entire emotional affair seems increasingly irrelevant and more importantly, exhausting to even think about. It wasn’t my real life- it was an escape from my real life. Whenever I would meet the other man I felt no physical attraction to him, although I had a sort of friendly affection for him. It was the way the other man made me feel about myself that I was addicted to- that I was sexy, desirable, fun, etc. I was completely using the other man and the other man got very frustrated about it (he wanted sex!). The past in my marriage creates a lot of tension and sadness and baggage that I just wonder if I would be better off without. We will see. I can’t see myself wanting to live with this person without my kids around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

Not sure I agree. I see many cases where the men are just not happy in the marriage...they would rather take their chances getting outside of marriage what their marriage lacks--sex. If they get caught, so be it. They don't feel like they lost out. If they get away with it. they come out ahead.

For wealthy men especially, the decision calculus makes cheating rational if they are deeply unhappy...better than not seeing their kids and loosing 1/2 the money.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Began to triangulate you with his wife? I think you’ve got that backwards. How did he use religion against you? That’s low.

His wife doesn’t know. He would say and do things that were manipulative and involved her. And then he started to do the same with other women he knew, which it turns out he was also using to fuel his narcissist supply. He would use religion as a tactic to coerce and justify it. Looking back it is abusive. And here I sit missing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I am also at the point in realizing once the kids leave the nest, so will I. It makes me sad because that’s another decade wasted without a meaningful, emotional connection. But this EA was really just a fantasy that’s didn’t even exist. He faked the entire thing.

How did you end up with an understanding with your DH? Did he find out about the EA?

I confessed about the EA to DH. It seemed to be a wake up call to him- he threw himself fully into saving our marriage. We are in marriage counseling and he is more loving, affectionate, intimate, willing to do anything I ask. I see how much he loves our kids and I love him again, but the rest of the time, I am very meh. It may all be too little too late. He was very abusive and my trust in him is broken. Six months of good behavior can’t completely clean up over a decade of increasingly terrible behavior.

The entire emotional affair seems increasingly irrelevant and more importantly, exhausting to even think about. It wasn’t my real life- it was an escape from my real life. Whenever I would meet the other man I felt no physical attraction to him, although I had a sort of friendly affection for him. It was the way the other man made me feel about myself that I was addicted to- that I was sexy, desirable, fun, etc. I was completely using the other man and the other man got very frustrated about it (he wanted sex!). The past in my marriage creates a lot of tension and sadness and baggage that I just wonder if I would be better off without. We will see. I can’t see myself wanting to live with this person without my kids around.

Thank you for explaining. Mine was a very attracted, physical and emotional affair though mostly emotional.

It’s wonderful you were able to segue your experience into a better marriage, for now. That gives me hope.

[Anonymous]

My ex DH cheated to

…Relive a teenage fantasy
…Rescue a sad woman that made him feel good about himself
…Feel like a teenager again
…Avoid the full time responsibilities of family life
…Go to concerts and shows with the new girl
…Avoid dealing with his midlife crisis in a healthy way
…Manage the AP’s traumas and help her heal
…be a selfish a-hole and blame me for contributing to his affair

[Anonymous]

Maybe you might have just fell in love with someone else. People have feelings, phermones, and attractions to someone besides just their mate all the time. So some cross the line and cheat. It really is not that complicated. Now, the aftermath is what IS complicated. The collateral damage is what is sooo destructive. The ramifications of cheating are what is bad. People are doing what people do otherwise.