Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off. [/quote]

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.  [/quote]

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry. [/quote]

Hello pp, I am also recovering from a tumultuous emotional affair.  I understand all your feelings. Especially the shame- it all just feels so darn stupid to me.  Here I am roiling over this man who is nowhere near my circle of friends and family and who I never even had actual sex with.  But he was my passion and my addiction for long enough that I still think about him.

Our respective crappy marriages left us intensely vulnerable, and there are a lot of men out there who are delighted by the adoration of an attractive, sad woman.  They’re just as damaged as we are, if not more so.

For me dealing with my marriage has been my true road to healing.  Within myself I am also accepting that my marriage may not have much gas once my kids leave the nest, and I am accepting that.  But the understanding between myself and DH is much better.[/quote]

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