Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Oh girl, when it comes to that man you will be alright. You are reeling from the betrayal of how someone could treat you that way. The answer is that he has a screw loose. Other than your pride you haven't actually lost anything with him, which is good. Chalk this up as a wake up call. A rude awakening.

The real issue here is your marriage and your husband. That is why the crazy love bomber guy seemed better in comparison. I assume being married to an alcoholic involves so many issues. Selfishness and neglect on his part, and resentment by you for having to pick up the slack and cover for him. Some alcoholics can be abusive. The real question is what is appropriate for you tolerate in your marriage. Focus on resolving that, a serious issue, instead of the love clown.

PS - The love you are seeking actually is inside of you. Maybe start there.

So the married guy is the bad guy—not the married woman willing to play along? I love how all the willing gung-ho to cheat on their husband women always manage to portray themselves as victims. When the affair goes up in smoke they want sympathy yet they were hurting another woman/kids in the process.

Your DH was willingly plowing someone else. Start there, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

Obviously the whore who was planning an exit affair with him and us bitter and jaded to find herself dumped. Quite possibly the one that hung in there 10 years. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Oh girl, when it comes to that man you will be alright. You are reeling from the betrayal of how someone could treat you that way. The answer is that he has a screw loose. Other than your pride you haven't actually lost anything with him, which is good. Chalk this up as a wake up call. A rude awakening.

The real issue here is your marriage and your husband. That is why the crazy love bomber guy seemed better in comparison. I assume being married to an alcoholic involves so many issues. Selfishness and neglect on his part, and resentment by you for having to pick up the slack and cover for him. Some alcoholics can be abusive. The real question is what is appropriate for you tolerate in your marriage. Focus on resolving that, a serious issue, instead of the love clown.

PS - The love you are seeking actually is inside of you. Maybe start there.

So the married guy is the bad guy—not the married woman willing to play along? I love how all the willing gung-ho to cheat on their husband women always manage to portray themselves as victims. When the affair goes up in smoke they want sympathy yet they were hurting another woman/kids in the process.

Your DH was willingly plowing someone else. Start there, maybe.

And your husband should know you were too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

There is a specific poster who has rampaged on this board accusing all SAHMs of sleeping around in their own marital beds with innocent men like her DH — who engaged in this affair for 3 years. 1, 2, 3 years - not weeks, not months. She constantly, viciously, slurs and freaks out at SAHMs and writes out metric s-tons of vitriol at them — when she’s not busy screaming about how hugely old and ugly 45-50 year old women are — all because the role and age are two elements partially describing the woman her husband pursued and CHOSE to sleep with for years. She accused every poster who told her to cut the extra-vicious sh!t of being the other woman, said she was going to destroy them, and was as cracked-out vicious about the cheating woman’s husband and kids who were also victims of her own smelly cheating stuck every appendage into another woman husband! She goes into threads where wives worry about their low-sex marriages and brags about how desirable her husband finds her even though he was balling this allegedly inferior also married woman so really she’s the top victim. She grinds down other victims of infidelity here, not by accident and not rarely.

….If she didn’t pull any of this sh!t that would be one thing. But she deliberately attacks frequently when her slutbag husband issue is clear. This particular betrayed wife is a smug, stupid, pure fool and POS and will always be sniffing his clothes and rage-crying about her victimhood, but the good thing is she actually deserves it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Oh girl, when it comes to that man you will be alright. You are reeling from the betrayal of how someone could treat you that way. The answer is that he has a screw loose. Other than your pride you haven't actually lost anything with him, which is good. Chalk this up as a wake up call. A rude awakening.

The real issue here is your marriage and your husband. That is why the crazy love bomber guy seemed better in comparison. I assume being married to an alcoholic involves so many issues. Selfishness and neglect on his part, and resentment by you for having to pick up the slack and cover for him. Some alcoholics can be abusive. The real question is what is appropriate for you tolerate in your marriage. Focus on resolving that, a serious issue, instead of the love clown.

PS - The love you are seeking actually is inside of you. Maybe start there.

So the married guy is the bad guy—not the married woman willing to play along? I love how all the willing gung-ho to cheat on their husband women always manage to portray themselves as victims. When the affair goes up in smoke they want sympathy yet they were hurting another woman/kids in the process.

Your DH was willingly plowing someone else. Start there, maybe.

And your husband should know you were too.

You guys are just so dumb. Not everyone who laughs at your self-made predicament and victory over the women you call trash and worse, is cheating. The insecurity is mind-blowing.

[Anonymous]

We should give the AP/OW that just was dumped after 10 years of believing lies and hanging on some grace now. She obviously is not well. She was planning on showing up at the AP's door just yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

Obviously the whore who was planning an exit affair with him and is bitter and jaded to find herself dumped. Quite possibly the one that hung in there 10 years. Lol

+1 for anyone to get that worked up over an anonymous poster, you can pretty much guess why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We should give the AP/OW that just was dumped after 10 years of believing lies and hanging on some grace now. She obviously is not well. She was planning on showing up at the AP's door just yesterday.

I like the rich fantasy life you make up for yourself. Just lies out of whole cloth, much like the ones a spouse tells you for years on end. Love wins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We should give the AP/OW that just was dumped after 10 years of believing lies and hanging on some grace now. She obviously is not well. She was planning on showing up at the AP's door just yesterday.

I like the rich fantasy life you make up for yourself. Just lies out of whole cloth, much like the ones a spouse tells you for years on end. Love wins!

DP. You are very angry about the lies he told you. We get it. Move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

Obviously the whore who was planning an exit affair with him and is bitter and jaded to find herself dumped. Quite possibly the one that hung in there 10 years. Lol

+1 for anyone to get that worked up over an anonymous poster, you can pretty much guess why.

I was SAH to a child with serious medical needs, feeling sad about doing what I had to in order to keep them and life in general ok, when I started reading DCUM as a mindless pleasure, and when that tale of woe went somewhat viral here. I am not a cheater, and have a good, sexual marriage to a man who is…also not a cheater! I detest mommy wars and the kind of pigs like that poster and you who think it’s fine if other posters catch strays because you and others here chose rather poorly when you got engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

Obviously the whore who was planning an exit affair with him and is bitter and jaded to find herself dumped. Quite possibly the one that hung in there 10 years. Lol

+1 for anyone to get that worked up over an anonymous poster, you can pretty much guess why.

I was SAH to a child with serious medical needs, feeling sad about doing what I had to in order to keep them and life in general ok, when I started reading DCUM as a mindless pleasure, and when that tale of woe went somewhat viral here. I am not a cheater, and have a good, sexual marriage to a man who is…also not a cheater! I detest mommy wars and the kind of pigs like that poster and you who think it’s fine if other posters catch strays because you and others here chose rather poorly when you got engaged.

That’s some serious fiction. I like how you threw in the special needs child. Pigs? I think you might want to re-read your own posts, crazy lady.

[Anonymous]

I like how she plays the poor old “I’m just a special needs mommy that hates mommy wars and meanness—but the rest of you chose poorly when you got engaged. Lmaof

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how she plays the poor old “I’m just a special needs mommy that hates mommy wars and meanness—but the rest of you chose poorly when you got engaged. Lmaof

It’s sanctimommy. Poor sanctimommy doesn’t know her truth