Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They like having the steady person and side action too. They are very selfish and only care about themselves. They are good at lying and gaslighting. But not forever. They plan to lie if they get caught. It’s all a game to them.

That doesn't answer the question that is posed by the OP. You have put absolutely no thought into this other than "there are good people and there are bad people. Cheaters are bad people." Life isn't that simple and that mentality is what leads to racism, sexism and other simplistic thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chumpladydotcom

All questions will be answered.

+1

I wasn’t a fan of chump lady —- until a cheater tried to make a chump out of me.

I don’t mind her so much now. I get her angle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have sex once a month, in a good month. I have tried for over a decade to get us to a good spot sexually, and nothing has improved it.

I am not actively cheating but if the right opportunity came along, I would do it. To those who aren't in a sex starved marriage, you don't understand and that's ok. I wouldn't wish this on you.

Oh grow up. I don't always get my needs met, or maybe once a month. I wouldn't cheat, or wreck my marriage and family over some pos co-cheater. That would make me a pos too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

NP (followed someone’s link in a recent thread and decided to add my 2 cents). I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and never cheated, but am also not exclusive with DH. Before someone accuses me of being an open marriage proselytizer, let me be 100% clear that I’m NOT advocating anything to anyone, only sharing my individual answer to OP’s questions.

I love DH too much to lie to him, so I don’t. I also love myself too much to be exclusive, so I’m not. Intimacy outside marriage has not meant “the death of our relationship” or “significant problems for the foreseeable future.” For me personally, it’s only the “lying and sneaking and betrayal” part that would be the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

If you’ve never experienced it, you can never understand. If you are out of love with your spouse, but have kid, house, friends, everything joined together, it’s not that easy to walk away. Divorce is scary and many people are trapped because they have no support. They have to stay married. Then someone walks into your life and suddenly you experience what you haven’t felt in so so long. It’s maddening and yes, you ultimately decide if you give in, but the pull is so strong, especially if they reciprocate the feelings. I have been fortunate and even though I badly wanted to, i only created my romances inside my head. I suffered tremendously, and these unfulfilled desires have caused me my mental health. I’ve been depressed for many years now, not feeling like anything is worth, just stuck in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

If you’ve never experienced it, you can never understand. If you are out of love with your spouse, but have kid, house, friends, everything joined together, it’s not that easy to walk away. Divorce is scary and many people are trapped because they have no support. They have to stay married. Then someone walks into your life and suddenly you experience what you haven’t felt in so so long. It’s maddening and yes, you ultimately decide if you give in, but the pull is so strong, especially if they reciprocate the feelings. I have been fortunate and even though I badly wanted to, i only created my romances inside my head. I suffered tremendously, and these unfulfilled desires have caused me my mental health. I’ve been depressed for many years now, not feeling like anything is worth, just stuck in my life.

Drama queen.

[Anonymous]

In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

[Anonymous]

There is no one answer to this question. They are different reasons for cheating. And there are different circumstances and their money on circumstances I can understand why people would do it.

[Anonymous]

There are many circumstances (typo above)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Sexless marriage and abusive husband

[Anonymous]

They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was somewhat, not really happily married and then a narcissist pursued me and I fell for it. I fell in love with someone who was only ever playing a game with my head. He had women all over the world he was forging a “soul mate” relationship with. I am having to come to terms with being completely duped and facing the fact that I can’t be married to an alcoholic anymore.

I was desperate for emotional satisfaction. Sex was infrequent but the passion he pretended to have was what hooked me. And now I’m much worse off.

So sorry to hear that OP. BTDT, it's not you. I mean, how can you, as a normal person, have expected someone to go through all that effort fabricating a relationship just to gleefully yell "sucker!" at the end. There is something seriously wrong with him. Do not kick yourself for being attracted to this weirdo. You were emotionally down and he provided a spark. The key now is to ignite your own spark by doing healthy things like exercise, spending time with good friends, volunteering and the like and letting him move on out of your life.

Thank you. I am still reeling. It was an extremely intense emotional affair, or so I thought. He began to triangulate me with his wife, the trickle truth of other women and then he played the role of a martyr, invoking religion. Narcissist. PTSD and some of the things he said as it unraveled made it clear he’s also mentally ill.

I’m unsure how to grieve the loss of a relationship that never really was. I can’t even speak of it to anyone because though my husband is a checked out alcoholic, it’s still an affair.

I’m so ashamed, hurt and angry.

Oh girl, when it comes to that man you will be alright. You are reeling from the betrayal of how someone could treat you that way. The answer is that he has a screw loose. Other than your pride you haven't actually lost anything with him, which is good. Chalk this up as a wake up call. A rude awakening.

The real issue here is your marriage and your husband. That is why the crazy love bomber guy seemed better in comparison. I assume being married to an alcoholic involves so many issues. Selfishness and neglect on his part, and resentment by you for having to pick up the slack and cover for him. Some alcoholics can be abusive. The real question is what is appropriate for you tolerate in your marriage. Focus on resolving that, a serious issue, instead of the love clown.

PS - The love you are seeking actually is inside of you. Maybe start there.