Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple. [/quote]

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past? [/quote]

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense,  that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically  enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in.  One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended. 
2 situations,  the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.  
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.  
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs. 
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think  again. Not even close. [/quote]

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they 
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school, 
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

[/quote]

Nope.  You’re twisting the story.  First off, I haven’t cut off my parents.  But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans.  HUGE difference from what you describe above.  [/quote]

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.[/quote]

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?[/quote]

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.[/quote]

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.[/quote]

I think there are obvious cases of abuse like this, sure- but, really, there's a lot of blame that is concocted or used as excuses by AC towards their parents. It's really pretty sad. Let's not confuse actual abuse, trauma with everyday living or just because there is some annoyance. [/quote]

Pretty ballsy of you to think you have any right, or expertise, to define what is "abuse or trauma" for another person.

Some of you need to check yourself and recognize that, whatever you think, you actually know sh-- about what another person has been through or subjected to (or capable of enduring). Have some empathy. Compassion. And if you can't, then just STFU. [/quote]

DP. I agree with pp, and it’s pretty ballsy of you to assert that ACs should get a free pass for every and all complaint against their parents. Of course there’s real abuse but, as pp wrote, some AC’s blame their parents for their own choices. If you have kids, they must be little monsters. [/quote]

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