What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it come from some relationship with technology? Computers will control us or something? It's a really odd flex to me. It was understood that parents controlled their kids and that was a good thing and expected.

NP here.

What is the "odd flex" you're talking about? Who understood that it was a good thing that parents were controlling their adult children? This comment is so bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

[Anonymous]

A controlling parent would be like the dad in Girls Just want to have Fun but in that movie, she thought he was too fearful and wanted to protect her too much. It wasn't like he kept her from dancing or dictated her dancing. Nowadays I feel like kids think their parents dictate their lives and they are being controlled by them like they have no agency. It's weird to me.

[Anonymous]

People would say they are overprotective. But not controlling.

[Anonymous]

Apologize.

Then apologize again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

OMG go watch a teen coming of age movie from the eighties and get back to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

OMG go watch a teen coming of age movie from the eighties and get back to me.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school, - would be seen as overprotective not controlling. Didn't want their girl out late with the guys.
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college - would be seen as frugal
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad - I can't even speak to this. It's so absurd that a kid would complain about this
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her - this is what I mean about the control. How is buying a condo controlling her? She's an adult. She doesn't have agency to say no if she doesn't want to have the money? I don't remember attitudes like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.

I think there are obvious cases of abuse like this, sure- but, really, there's a lot of blame that is concocted or used as excuses by AC towards their parents. It's really pretty sad. Let's not confuse actual abuse, trauma with everyday living or just because there is some annoyance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

You don’t know what you’re talking about. Good therapists don’t lead and blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

You don’t know what you’re talking about. Good therapists don’t lead and blame.

Seriously? You are serious about this right- not a joke? Come on.

[Anonymous]

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.


My experience is that if something feels off in the family of origin, there is a good reason(s) and it is important for people to divulge information until things no longer feel off. Sometimes, parents and adult children have equally contributed without malice intended.

I come from a family of neurodivergent people, my father had affairs that were hidden from some family members but not others and both of my parents had many narcissitic traits. When all of this information finally came to light after decades of being stressed in my family of origin, I finally felt peace because all of it hung together. Not knowing what was wrong made it impossible to find peace.

[Anonymous]

You say you’re sorry, you love them and ask how to make it better. These are probably things you didn’t do when they were younger. It’s never too late to be a better parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you’re sorry, you love them and ask how to make it better. These are probably things you didn’t do when they were younger. It’s never too late to be a better parent.

Except sometimes the kids blame parents for their own awful decisions and/or failures.

There's a poster or two in this forum who thinks parents should turn on a firehose of money and accept all blame without questioning. This isn't a recipe for raising self-reliant, responsible kids. You can be sure the same kids will be back here in 10 years complaining their parents provided no structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you’re sorry, you love them and ask how to make it better. These are probably things you didn’t do when they were younger. It’s never too late to be a better parent.

Except sometimes the kids blame parents for their own awful decisions and/or failures.

There's a poster or two in this forum who thinks parents should turn on a firehose of money and accept all blame without questioning. This isn't a recipe for raising self-reliant, responsible kids. You can be sure the same kids will be back here in 10 years complaining their parents provided no structure.

If my 30 y/o child is struggling like the OP says I’m sure I contributed to the problem. OP shared specific things that probably contributed to her son’s unhappiness.

In this case, an apology models accountability and compassion, then an assurance of your love and desire to help models how to show up for someone who is having a hard time.

This is how to parent in case you weren’t aware.