Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?
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Anonymous
Option 3: super obnoxious and/or BSC. If you are in fact slim, in shape, and a '7,' then plenty of men will err on the side of asking you out again. Either you aren't nearly as attractive as think you are, or you are doing something that has these guys calling their friends as soon as the date ends and opening with something like "Dude, I just met this girl that was ex-GF crazy on the first date..." OP, fill us in, give us an example of what you consider "clearing the air" on politics and religion. What do you consider your more unusual experiences or accomplishments? Another possibility, are you getting physical with these guys? Because I had one internet date I thought went great, a follow-up went well... then we ended up in bed and I proceeded to avoid the whole part of the city she lived in. |
Anonymous
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OP back with a few points …
1 - Yes, I figure someone would say “omg you wrote a wall of text, therefore you talk too much.” I do not talk on dates the way I write asking for self-help on an anonymous forum. 2 - Yes, I do honestly think I’m a 7/10. Am I allowed to say that? I have a great body, I am put together when I go out, and I smile and look people in the eye. I’m not strikingly gorgeous (don’t have bright eyes or high cheekbones or anything that screams WOW) but I have nice clear skin and good hygiene… at worst my face is on the plainer side of attractive, but I have a great figure. 3 - I love the ideas of “mock dates” with close male friends, and I do have a lot male friends. One has said that I may come off as “intimidating” or “too much” to some and that I need a “particular kind of guy” 4 - To clarify, I don’t really bring up politics or religion…. I do vet matches online for it just for compatibility reasons. I guess I sort of naturally feel it out through a conversation that a guy has a values system that isn’t too disparate, that he has a world view that I can appreciate. 5 - To those who say never ask if a guy wants to see me again. Point taken, and no i don’t usually, although one good relationship I had was when I asked the guy out first. I guess even in the 21st century biological instincts for men to do the chasing are still there. I just hate the games and would rather be clear and up front 6 - Yes, I really do have a hunch that it is the laying out too many “epic stories” and trying too hard thing. Interestingly, two recent rejection texts I have gotten were along the lines of “I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, I like how you are so passionate about XYZ, and you have a fascinating life, but I just don’t see this going anywhere” So they say it like those things are pluses, but the fact that they bring them up in a rejection text makes it sound like they are actually in fact minuses. 7 - Lastly, the part about being myself vs trying too hard… thing is, being really active and traveling IS who I am. Sure, I like my DC area job, but it doesn’t define me as much as my experiences mountain climbing abroad for example or my more athletic side. I know it’s pretty basic to say “I like traveling and being outdoors” but when I say it, I mean it, and I bring it up to make sure a guy is on board with my more active lifestyle and would one day like to join me on my adventures in off-the-beaten-path places. (And we’ll split the cost evenly!) I am not necessarily trying to brag, but trying to get across that I’m not into Netflix and chill and board games and staying inside. Pandemic or no pandemic. |
Anonymous
| OP, one thing I hope you are remembering is that when you go on a first date, your date should need to impress you also. Do you really like all of these men you go on first dates with? |
Anonymous
If you are a "7" in the face department with a "great body" they the only reason men are not continuing with a relationship is you personality. Not being mean, just being honest. At the start of dating men are very simple. They want you physically or mentally. You are not meeting either of those needs. |
Anonymous
This is not going to work. You won't behave around them the same way you do on a date, and they're not going to give you honest, useful feedback because they don't want to hurt your feelings. |
Anonymous
Model yourself on Nova from the original Planet of the Apes. She is the perfect girlfriend - she has a killer body, and she can't talk. |
Anonymous
I think #7 is the problem. It's not that you have to hide this aspect of yourself. But when you meet these guys, it's not on top of a mountain, right? It's not at Everest Base Camp or in the Amazon, I assume? Or in a glade in Rock Creek Park. You meet at a coffee shop or a bar or something? So going to coffee shops or bars is ALSO part of your life. Living in a regular city is part of your life. You sound a bit like you are putting on a performance about how yoru regular life is not satisfying and you are TRULY something different, something unlike them...and that is fine, but they are saying, OK, but I live in DC here, have a nice time enjoying your passion, bye. TBH, your insistence on being something else, someone who is only truly herself when she's somewhere else, sounds like an emotional level of immaturity that you haven't resolved for yourself. Lots of people love the outdoors. You don't have to screen for that on a first date. You don't have to find out if the person is willing to backpack through Senegal with you. Find out if you have a connection first. Then you can go hiking together. Maybe the right guy for you is not a hiker, but he'll start to do it because he's into you. Maybe YOU will find something new you like to do because your date does. The connection is what you need to chase. The first date is NOT the time to screen out people for minor stuff like hobbies, because unless they are into something truly weird, all hobbies are malleable and subject to change. |
Anonymous
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1.99% of the people on dating hookups are looking for sex/hookup no matter what they claim. If they aren't getting sex by the 2nd or third date they are out. If they are getting sex by thenn, once they have had you it's over.
2. Your love of hiking and travel etc is not a personality trait. It's not that unique. 3. Do your stories revolve around one particular person? Your ex perhaps? If so this signals you aren't ready to move on. 4. From my experience your passion is not an activity short of single men. You might have luck meeting someone in a group. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP! I’m one of those who suggested a mock date with a guy friend; glad you liked that idea.
I hear you about not wanting “the games” - and you’d prefer to be up front. You remind me of myself when I was younger (except I’m a guy). I hated “the games” (I still do); it was all so fake and contrived. And I refused to play games - and I believe it ultimately made me less successful at dating (though I did marry well & have 2 amazing kids). But if you can find a way - a way to maybe “step outside yourself” for a date or two and play a few of the “games” - it might work in your favor, for instance: - you’d like a second date so logically you ask him for one. Dont do that. - He asks for a second date (which you want). But the game calls for you to say “maybe.” Yes - it’s contrived and maybe a little dishonest; but it’s just how games are played (I think; again I was bad at games). |
Anonymous
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Me again- I had another idea for you:
- plan the second date so he can watch you in action. Meaning - you are fit, so plan the date around whatever it is you do to stay fit. Maybe thats hiking? Great date idea, with maybe a light picnic! (but go slow if he’s not up to your speed yet). Is it running or biking? Could you do it together? maybe the gym? Could you reserve treadmills or ellipticals side by side? Really just any second date that breaks the mold of just going to a cafe, bar, or restaurant. To pile on what the others said: hold a lot more back; think of it as being more mysterious (yes - I know - it’s more games, but you can be yourself later on if it works out; the games are temporary). Hugs, and good luck! |
Anonymous
| Maybe I missed it listed, but how old are you, OP? 20s? 30s? 40s? 50s? Knowing your age range does matter for the advice you'll get. |
Anonymous
+1 to this comment. Try to be present this the date you are with. Maybe this means doing something together rather than just conversing? But when you are conversing -- converse! Have a dialogue, where you actually are going back and forth and listening and are surprised by what you say. It really sounds like you are just talking at them. You will not get a second date if you keep doing that. |
Anonymous
| Also, the hobbies thing isn't actually *that* important. In my long relationships and marriage, we don't share all our hobbies! That would be crazy. You are marrying the person, their soul, their presence and their personality and the way you feel when you are with them. You are not marrying hobbies. |
Anonymous
While generally true, it isn't wrong to want to share a hobby or interest with your spouse, many couples do, and if it's something you are really passionate about it's probably best they at leas understand you won't be quitting when you couple up. |
Anonymous
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It's cliche but I think you simply haven't found the right guy yet. Going off of what pp said and your friends have told you. You need a guy who doesn't need you to need him.
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