Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

This will probably seem weird but I think you should text the last 10 guys you went out with (or like, 10 people where they are least responded to your followups) and write something like:

Hi XXX. I hope you won't think this text is too weird, but I wanted to ask you kind of an unusual question. I have been doing this internet dating thing for a year and I can't seem to get past the first or second date with anyone. Could you share why you weren't interested? I'm genuinely not trying to make you uncomfortable, but I'd like to find someone and I'm worried that I'm missing something about how I'm coming off that is preventing me from finding success. Hope you are well. - XXX

Maybe only two will respond but maybe they will have something valuable to say.

[Anonymous]

Two things popped out to me:

1. You are talkative and have a conversational style that for some reason isn't that appealing to the men you are dating.

2. Asking if you can see them again -- no!! Don't do this. If you enjoyed talking to them, just say "I really enjoyed talking to you!". If you ask them for something it will make that thing less appealing. It will feel so different for them to offer their time, instead of it being asked for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try an experiment on your next few dates -- only ask questions and listen and ask follow ups, and only respond to his questions. Don't tell stories unprompted.

Just try it and see what happens.

+1. I’m introverted so I don’t talk very much, but I’ve never had issues with dating. People love to talk about themselves. So just ask them questions, make them feel good by laughing at their jokes and asking follow up questions, and listening.

You other option is to filter/screen the men harder before you go on your dates.

[Anonymous]

if you look like your photos and are getting initial dates, and you are a self-proclaimed 7, i think the good news is that it doesn't seem to be about the way you look!

if you were a 9 or 10, however, the "talking too much" thing wouldn't matter. men totally endure that for women who are that beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many people here, including you yourself, OP, hit the nail on the head. Trust your gut about your “trying too hard” assessment. You mentioned twice that you like to talk about travel and adventure and not seem too “basic.” Ironically or not, this makes you more basic, especially in the DC area.

I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but especially if you are white and UMC/MC, rattling off about your NGO internship in Tajikistan does not make you less basic or less white or less UMC. It is very much a basic DC area thing (not just white people, but especially white people) to define themselves by “exotic” experiences as a substitute for whatever they feel they are lacking in who they genuinely are. This isn’t to say that “travel and adventure” aren’t an important part of who you are, but so is your day to day life. Think about it this way: if you reveal all your “special” and “unique” characteristics on day one, then your partner if you do get into a relationship will be disappointed in how ordinary and humdrum life with you is if you have nothing genuine to offer. On the flip side, if you are your natural self with a nice smile, caring nature, and show interest in him and others around you, your “uniqueness” will come out over time and will be an added plus with surprises to enhance the day to day life with you that he already knows and enjoys. Make sense?

+1000 When people tell me about exotic locales, I inwardly roll my eyes. It’s cool that someone did Peace Corps or was an FSO somewhere but that doesn’t make a person better than other people. That’s not what I’m looking for initially. I would rather connect with someONE and not their resume. So on the first date, I’m really looking for someone who is down to earth with a similar sense of humor and outlook on life. Make others feel you are down to earth first. And then you can surprise them with all your accomplishments later, and that will make your accomplishments seem more impressive.

[Anonymous]

I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air

Oh God.

[Anonymous]

This is why you should find people in real life. Sounds like an abominable waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey look, I've found the problem. You're bragging about how great you are, and then talking about how you love traveling.

Every Basic B*tch OLD profile has "love to travel" in it.

Also, you love to laugh, and you love to eat food, right?

Tell me something I don't know.

That you love "exploring the city"

And love staying out (with a bottle of wine) as much as you love staying in, and want to find a Jim to your Pam. Love dogs and Le Dip!

[Anonymous]

Lot of good advice here. I was single in DC area for a long time, wasn’t that I wasn’t intelligent or attractive or athletic. But I did get to a point I was setting off some vibe due to self doubt. I stopped under shooting and dating people that were not good matches. I found things I liked to do, and met people doing them. I volunteered at my church and met someone via that activity. Highly recommend finding great volunteer activities and hobbies and take those up. Recommend active dates - bowling, etc or meeting for a quick drink before meeting your friends out for a party, or drinks on a rooftop bar. You will be yourself if you are distracted with activity, likely have more fun, even if you find the person not a fit and that will show in your other dates. Take care of yourself, it will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey look, I've found the problem. You're bragging about how great you are, and then talking about how you love traveling.

Every Basic B*tch OLD profile has "love to travel" in it.

Also, you love to laugh, and you love to eat food, right?

Tell me something I don't know.

That you love "exploring the city"

Bonus points if you love dogs.

[Anonymous]

Do you know how to flirt? It’s important.

[Anonymous]

OP I had a friend like this. She had been abandoned by her parents as a small child and raised by a single grandmother who died when she was in her late teens. She was fiercely independent and successful on the outside but extremely vulnerable emotionally and I suspect she frightened off the guys on the dates because she literally had no family and made it clear she was looking for a life partner to support her.

Sometimes it's the most obvious, under your nose thing. If you are intense in any way you might be putting them off.

[Anonymous]

What kind of dates are you doing? Remember in high level negotiations the sociopath Steve Jobs would walk together in the same direction with the ‘target’ - so that he connected metaphorically and physically with the CEO he wanted to do a deal with. Not saying to become a sociopath but they do know how to close a deal. I would change up dates to active ones - ice skating, hiking, xc skiing, rollerblading. This will limit the talking and you can ‘show’ rather than tell. At least in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Stop talking so much. Stop talking about politics or religion on the first date. Men are really turned off by all the talking, it may not matter how hot you are if you want to get tinto controversial topics on the first date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jim to your Pam.

Watching the show, it really seemed like Jim bullied Dwight and Pam bullied Angela. Then when they got criticized, they forced an unnatural plotline to try and make D and A more unlikeable. Pam was ENGAGED to someone else and publicly and in front of all of his coworkers deep kissed Jim? Are bullies and jerks really the ideal as long as they have the wholesome generic look and fit gender roles?