Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: . . .I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date. . .

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, . . .

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

First: your post was a wall of text & your conversation is likely the same way. Stop talking too much.

Second: politics? Why?? We get it: you are a proud educated liberal woman. So are 99% of the women in the dating pool here, and you date already knows that. Politics is a turn off. Just don’t go there. At all. Same with religion. Just don’t.

Finally, we all know the definition of braggadocious, but do you actually speak that way? You can tone it down and still come across as highly intelligent. Use of arcane vocabulary comes across as pretentious on a date.

Keep the questions coming, and hugs! Your match is out there, so keep looking.

So don’t talk too much, assert your values and morals, or use big words. Be passive and meek and demure. Women should be seen and not heard and preferably in the kitchen making a sandwich.

Yeah no, PP. nice attempted straw man though.

“Don’t be overwhelming on a date. No one like that.” Is that acceptable to you??

[Anonymous]

I get what you mean, OP.

I've been in the same boat and had that happen to me multiple times and I wonder, too. And same - I'm fit, attractive/put together, intelligent, etc. I think I might have something similar to you where I talk too much about myself/share too much too soon. Like you, not meant to be in a braggy way, but as a way to make conversation and show them who I am. But I realized I might come off as either bragging and trying to impress or just rambling on and on about stuff they're not interesting in.

So I try to make a point to make sure I'm asking them questions about themselves too. I've even gone so far as to make a list of questions I want to ask a guy so I have some go-to's if the conversation trails off. Not random weirdo questions, but just things to show him that I'm interested in getting know him and that I've been listening to things he's told me so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: . . .I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date. . .

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, . . .

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

First: your post was a wall of text & your conversation is likely the same way. Stop talking too much.

Second: politics? Why?? We get it: you are a proud educated liberal woman. So are 99% of the women in the dating pool here, and you date already knows that. Politics is a turn off. Just don’t go there. At all. Same with religion. Just don’t.

Finally, we all know the definition of braggadocious, but do you actually speak that way? You can tone it down and still come across as highly intelligent. Use of arcane vocabulary comes across as pretentious on a date.

Keep the questions coming, and hugs! Your match is out there, so keep looking.

So don’t talk too much, assert your values and morals, or use big words. Be passive and meek and demure. Women should be seen and not heard and preferably in the kitchen making a sandwich.

DP - We are talking about online dating, in which every date is like a mini audition and people are making a thousand snap judgements. It's a terrible platform in every way except for meeting dozens and dozens of people quickly. It's very difficult for anyone to showcase the best of themselves quickly without turning some people off. If you're too straightforward you come across as pushy or boastful; too oblique and you're wasting people's time. This is true for men AND women.

The only way a woman is guaranteed to get a million second dates is to be young and gorgeous. Since that isn't true for most of us, we need to balance honesty with an absolute crap ton of patience. I agree with having a trusted friend go over your pictures and profile to make sure everything looks right.

Good luck. Most of the single women I know have given up on online dating in this area because the men they are meeting are almost all looking for quick hookups with women much younger than they are and not serious relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what you mean, OP.

I've been in the same boat and had that happen to me multiple times and I wonder, too. And same - I'm fit, attractive/put together, intelligent, etc. I think I might have something similar to you where I talk too much about myself/share too much too soon. Like you, not meant to be in a braggy way, but as a way to make conversation and show them who I am. But I realized I might come off as either bragging and trying to impress or just rambling on and on about stuff they're not interesting in.

So I try to make a point to make sure I'm asking them questions about themselves too. I've even gone so far as to make a list of questions I want to ask a guy so I have some go-to's if the conversation trails off. Not random weirdo questions, but just things to show him that I'm interested in getting know him and that I've been listening to things he's told me so far.

Best answer so far and there are some great answers here.
I think a lot of us, especially those who are single and insecure (I don’t mean insecure as a person, but insecure about being single and not hitting certain milestones or expectations) try too hard to curate a persona they want to be seen as. It’s like a live LinkedIn profile. Even when you don’t go on and on about your job - it’s like you try to build a personal brand and be like “I’m all about THIS!!!” instead of letting the you be you, being genuine and relatable and warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: . . .I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date. . .

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, . . .

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

First: your post was a wall of text & your conversation is likely the same way. Stop talking too much.

Second: politics? Why?? We get it: you are a proud educated liberal woman. So are 99% of the women in the dating pool here, and you date already knows that. Politics is a turn off. Just don’t go there. At all. Same with religion. Just don’t.

Finally, we all know the definition of braggadocious, but do you actually speak that way? You can tone it down and still come across as highly intelligent. Use of arcane vocabulary comes across as pretentious on a date.

Keep the questions coming, and hugs! Your match is out there, so keep looking.

So don’t talk too much, assert your values and morals, or use big words. Be passive and meek and demure. Women should be seen and not heard and preferably in the kitchen making a sandwich.

All humans should be this way when making a first impression. Aggression is never invited back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what you mean, OP.

I've been in the same boat and had that happen to me multiple times and I wonder, too. And same - I'm fit, attractive/put together, intelligent, etc. I think I might have something similar to you where I talk too much about myself/share too much too soon. Like you, not meant to be in a braggy way, but as a way to make conversation and show them who I am. But I realized I might come off as either bragging and trying to impress or just rambling on and on about stuff they're not interesting in.

So I try to make a point to make sure I'm asking them questions about themselves too. I've even gone so far as to make a list of questions I want to ask a guy so I have some go-to's if the conversation trails off. Not random weirdo questions, but just things to show him that I'm interested in getting know him and that I've been listening to things he's told me so far.

^ But I also had a situation where I met a guy. *Thought* everything went well. Wasn't fireworks or anything, but conversation flowed easily, had some laughs. He said he was interested in seeing me again and we discussed availability etc. He messaged me later saying he enjoyed meeting me and asked if we could meet the following week, I said yes. Then a couple days later, I went to the app and he'd blocked me. And I just never heard from him. It was just super weird. Like why go through all that? I'm a big girl, just tell me you're not interested. That was a new one for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, how have you made your best friends (male, female, whatever - friends)? If it’s through prolonged interactions together where they get to know you and like you, then maybe that’s how you’ll find a partner too?

I ask because I was sort of in the same boat as you when I was younger - I was never a person who anyone met once and wanted to continue hanging out with. I still am not sure why - I’m reasonably attractive and interesting, I think, who knows.

But anyway, all my friends and my now husband I have met through sort of being stuck together over a period of time and a relationship grew out of that - roommates, in a class together, doing a project together, etc. I never had much success with dating for that reason - I don’t think it was that a date wasn’t fun for the other person, I just got some reason don’t have a hook that makes people really want to see me again right away.

[Anonymous]

Are you being too exclusionary in the type of men you are connecting with? Maybe your "type" isn't compatible with you.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others - it sounds like maybe you are talking too much and overdoing it. And the "clearing the air" on politics and religion probably comes off poorly.

OP, focus on just having a good time on a date, not using it as a showcase for you or a preliminary inspection of your date.

[Anonymous]

You could come across as being a bit of a show-off with all of your talk of travel and so forth. Or you might be intimidating the guys on a first date. Try being a little more laid back (if you can) by not coming up with stories to top their stories (I do this all the time, which is why I had a hard time getting a second date). Also, keep trying - eventually you will find someone you click with and then the conversation can be about anything but you will still find each other fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what you mean, OP.

I've been in the same boat and had that happen to me multiple times and I wonder, too. And same - I'm fit, attractive/put together, intelligent, etc. I think I might have something similar to you where I talk too much about myself/share too much too soon. Like you, not meant to be in a braggy way, but as a way to make conversation and show them who I am. But I realized I might come off as either bragging and trying to impress or just rambling on and on about stuff they're not interesting in.

So I try to make a point to make sure I'm asking them questions about themselves too. I've even gone so far as to make a list of questions I want to ask a guy so I have some go-to's if the conversation trails off. Not random weirdo questions, but just things to show him that I'm interested in getting know him and that I've been listening to things he's told me so far.

Best answer so far and there are some great answers here.
I think a lot of us, especially those who are single and insecure (I don’t mean insecure as a person, but insecure about being single and not hitting certain milestones or expectations) try too hard to curate a persona they want to be seen as. It’s like a live LinkedIn profile. Even when you don’t go on and on about your job - it’s like you try to build a personal brand and be like “I’m all about THIS!!!” instead of letting the you be you, being genuine and relatable and warm.

Yes agree.

There is an “art” to it, and some people are better than others (I was terrible at dating).

But don’t get discouraged! Just try to fine tune your dating skills.

Have you ever read the “date lab” in the WaPo magazine? It rarely seems to lead to the lasting relationship you are seeking OP. I think dating in this area can be difficult.

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy, and I've had a very similar experience. I get plenty of matches and have had lots of dates that I thought were fun and promising but didn't lead to second or third dates.

You may not be doing anything wrong at all. Maybe they're not looking for OK, they're looking for HECK YEAH. If you're not their HECK YEAH that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You'll be a HECK YEAH for someone else, you just haven't met him yet. I would imagine, though, that guys are less picky, and are more likely to go on second or third dates with someone they think is "just OK" than are women, but I could be wrong.

I don't mind some general talk about religion or politics just so long as it doesn't dominate the date conversation.

I am assuming there's nothing in your profile that is obviously at odds with what they see and hear when you meet them in person, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what you mean, OP.

I've been in the same boat and had that happen to me multiple times and I wonder, too. And same - I'm fit, attractive/put together, intelligent, etc. I think I might have something similar to you where I talk too much about myself/share too much too soon. Like you, not meant to be in a braggy way, but as a way to make conversation and show them who I am. But I realized I might come off as either bragging and trying to impress or just rambling on and on about stuff they're not interesting in.

So I try to make a point to make sure I'm asking them questions about themselves too. I've even gone so far as to make a list of questions I want to ask a guy so I have some go-to's if the conversation trails off. Not random weirdo questions, but just things to show him that I'm interested in getting know him and that I've been listening to things he's told me so far.

^ But I also had a situation where I met a guy. *Thought* everything went well. Wasn't fireworks or anything, but conversation flowed easily, had some laughs. He said he was interested in seeing me again and we discussed availability etc. He messaged me later saying he enjoyed meeting me and asked if we could meet the following week, I said yes. Then a couple days later, I went to the app and he'd blocked me. And I just never heard from him. It was just super weird. Like why go through all that? I'm a big girl, just tell me you're not interested. That was a new one for me.

He probably has a girlfriend and got caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what you mean, OP.

I've been in the same boat and had that happen to me multiple times and I wonder, too. And same - I'm fit, attractive/put together, intelligent, etc. I think I might have something similar to you where I talk too much about myself/share too much too soon. Like you, not meant to be in a braggy way, but as a way to make conversation and show them who I am. But I realized I might come off as either bragging and trying to impress or just rambling on and on about stuff they're not interesting in.

So I try to make a point to make sure I'm asking them questions about themselves too. I've even gone so far as to make a list of questions I want to ask a guy so I have some go-to's if the conversation trails off. Not random weirdo questions, but just things to show him that I'm interested in getting know him and that I've been listening to things he's told me so far.

^ But I also had a situation where I met a guy. *Thought* everything went well. Wasn't fireworks or anything, but conversation flowed easily, had some laughs. He said he was interested in seeing me again and we discussed availability etc. He messaged me later saying he enjoyed meeting me and asked if we could meet the following week, I said yes. Then a couple days later, I went to the app and he'd blocked me. And I just never heard from him. It was just super weird. Like why go through all that? I'm a big girl, just tell me you're not interested. That was a new one for me.

He probably has a girlfriend and got caught.

I thought that too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you may be on to something with talking about your travel and unusual experiences. Your convo should be genuine convo and not a showcase. There will be plenty of time to tell your funny story about Morocco later if you make a real
Connection with someone. Try doubling down on being an interested rather than interesting conversationalist.

I agree that this may be it. It’s about chemistry (nothing to be done about that) and connection. They did sign up for a Ted talk or a Profs and Prose lecture. You’re there to build a connection, not perform. No monologues...