Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

Why did your relationship end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with a few points …

1 - Yes, I figure someone would say “omg you wrote a wall of text, therefore you talk too much.” I do not talk on dates the way I write asking for self-help on an anonymous forum.
2 - Yes, I do honestly think I’m a 7/10. Am I allowed to say that? I have a great body, I am put together when I go out, and I smile and look people in the eye. I’m not strikingly gorgeous (don’t have bright eyes or high cheekbones or anything that screams WOW) but I have nice clear skin and good hygiene… at worst my face is on the plainer side of attractive, but I have a great figure.
3 - I love the ideas of “mock dates” with close male friends, and I do have a lot male friends. One has said that I may come off as “intimidating” or “too much” to some and that I need a “particular kind of guy”
4 - To clarify, I don’t really bring up politics or religion…. I do vet matches online for it just for compatibility reasons. I guess I sort of naturally feel it out through a conversation that a guy has a values system that isn’t too disparate, that he has a world view that I can appreciate.
5 - To those who say never ask if a guy wants to see me again. Point taken, and no i don’t usually, although one good relationship I had was when I asked the guy out first. I guess even in the 21st century biological instincts for men to do the chasing are still there. I just hate the games and would rather be clear and up front
6 - Yes, I really do have a hunch that it is the laying out too many “epic stories” and trying too hard thing. Interestingly, two recent rejection texts I have gotten were along the lines of “I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, I like how you are so passionate about XYZ, and you have a fascinating life, but I just don’t see this going anywhere” So they say it like those things are pluses, but the fact that they bring them up in a rejection text makes it sound like they are actually in fact minuses.
7 - Lastly, the part about being myself vs trying too hard… thing is, being really active and traveling IS who I am. Sure, I like my DC area job, but it doesn’t define me as much as my experiences mountain climbing abroad for example or my more athletic side. I know it’s pretty basic to say “I like traveling and being outdoors” but when I say it, I mean it, and I bring it up to make sure a guy is on board with my more active lifestyle and would one day like to join me on my adventures in off-the-beaten-path places. (And we’ll split the cost evenly!) I am not necessarily trying to brag, but trying to get across that I’m not into Netflix and chill and board games and staying inside. Pandemic or no pandemic.

If you are a "7" in the face department with a "great body" they the only reason men are not continuing with a relationship is you personality. Not being mean, just being honest. At the start of dating men are very simple. They want you physically or mentally. You are not meeting either of those needs.

I think #7 is the problem. It's not that you have to hide this aspect of yourself. But when you meet these guys, it's not on top of a mountain, right? It's not at Everest Base Camp or in the Amazon, I assume? Or in a glade in Rock Creek Park. You meet at a coffee shop or a bar or something? So going to coffee shops or bars is ALSO part of your life. Living in a regular city is part of your life. You sound a bit like you are putting on a performance about how yoru regular life is not satisfying and you are TRULY something different, something unlike them...and that is fine, but they are saying, OK, but I live in DC here, have a nice time enjoying your passion, bye.

TBH, your insistence on being something else, someone who is only truly herself when she's somewhere else, sounds like an emotional level of immaturity that you haven't resolved for yourself. Lots of people love the outdoors. You don't have to screen for that on a first date. You don't have to find out if the person is willing to backpack through Senegal with you. Find out if you have a connection first. Then you can go hiking together. Maybe the right guy for you is not a hiker, but he'll start to do it because he's into you. Maybe YOU will find something new you like to do because your date does. The connection is what you need to chase. The first date is NOT the time to screen out people for minor stuff like hobbies, because unless they are into something truly weird, all hobbies are malleable and subject to change.

+1 to this comment. Try to be present this the date you are with. Maybe this means doing something together rather than just conversing? But when you are conversing -- converse! Have a dialogue, where you actually are going back and forth and listening and are surprised by what you say. It really sounds like you are just talking at them. You will not get a second date if you keep doing that.

OP here and…fair points, both of you.
Regarding the emotional maturity, that definitely was the case a few years ago, when I was all but giving up on DC and didn’t have much of a career or a good living situation. Now I own a home, have a job that I love, and am more secure financially and enjoy the city and what it offers. I don’t *require* that a man goes to Everest base camp with me. The point of me emphasizing that I’m active is that it’s a priority and a lifestyle. Lots of people say they enjoy “fitness” or being “outdoors” or “travel” but only for the aesthetics of it, and don’t prioritize it over things like drinking or working extra hours or gaming.
Unfortunately I think there’s a bit of the dating market value thing. Guys who are rugged outdoor adventures or international travelers are often snatched up pretty quickly, and from my experience, not always by women who are into the same thing….usually by women who are both more attractive and more traditional, or sometimes by women who are just entirely different. The kind of men who end up liking me are more introverted, indoorsy types who could spend the whole day in front of screens. Some of these guys make great friends, and they aren’t necessarily unattractive, but our lifestyles aren’t compatible.
Maybe there’s just an opposites attract kind of thing going on?

Turning in for the night, but last point I’ll make is that male platonic friends of mine have described me as “intense” and “really really into your own thing” Another thing I’ve been told is that I seem “guarded” sexually… like I am too overly concerned as being seen as hookup material that I don’t convey sexuality at all… I do honestly feel a little stiff and shy physically when I meet someone, even if I’m attracted to them.

[Anonymous]

OP, am not judging, but you've been a little evasive about whether you like quiet times or long walks on the beach. Can I ask why?

[Anonymous]

Op, it sounds like you're working too hard on screening your dates for a long term match. Maybe just let that go for a while and go on dates just to have fun for a night. If it leads to more, cool. If not, no biggie.

[Anonymous]

If you are not already doing so, I think you should join outdoorsy meet up groups. You’re more likely to meet your match there. It’s still covid, but the adventurous folks are still out and about doing their thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, as per you example about rugged outdoorsy guys marrying women who are not like that --- it just doesn't matter that much that partners share hobbies. It really doesn't. The one thing that matters is to find someone who doesn't forbid you for doing your hobby.

It also sounds like you suspect that the men you are on dates with will not live up to your outdoorsy standards and that is why you are putting it out there so aggressively. So they are left feeling that *you think* up are better than them somehow. Again, here it makes sense that they will not ask for another date.

If you really don't like the options of men you are getting, maybe that's the real problem. Maybe you don't really want a partner that badly. My advice if you do want a partner: pay attention to them, learn about them, open your heart to them.

[Anonymous]

You’re likely talking about yourself too much you should try to find things you have in common with the other person as a way to connect

[Anonymous]

OP I do think it's your personality and that you're a mix of intense and over the top. Just dial it back a little. Let the whole "I don't do Netflix or nights in because I want to be out and active" come out over the course of a few dates. If you meet a guy you click with, spending the night snuggled on the couch watching a movie may not seem so bad.

I think you're also needing a very specific guy. One who is also independent and wants to always be doing things out of the home. Who doesn't see an immediate future of settling down and all that.

I know things are weird with Covid right now but there used to be singles type adventure groups and outings. That may be worth a shot in the future.

For now though, just chill out and let things progress naturally.

[Anonymous]

you rating yourself a 7 means you are probably a 4 or 5

you need to lower your own standards and then you might start to get some 2nd/3rd dates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, it sounds like you're working too hard on screening your dates for a long term match. Maybe just let that go for a while and go on dates just to have fun for a night. If it leads to more, cool. If not, no biggie.

+1. This is what I was thinking too. You seem very analytical, focused on future potential instead of just enjoying the conversation in the moment. Too in your head. People don't like feeling like they are being analyzed and matched up against a checklist. They are just looking for a fun time or a connection right here and now, for its own sake. I would try to focus less on evaluating whether this is going to work long term (you just aren't going to get enough information to know that yet from one date) and just try to enjoy the date for its own sake. I think it's possible that the people you are going out with can sense that you are hyper focused on evaluating them and very in your head about whether they are compatible enough with you, and that is going to ruin any chance of an actual organic authentic connection in the moment. Will make them feel like they are under a microscope.

On the first date, truly, just try to have a good time. Keep an open mind and don't start to evaluate whether it's a good fit yet. After you get to the second and third dates you can start to think more critically about whether this could really be a good long term match for you.

[Anonymous]

Liking travel and adventure is not a personality trait.

Shared hobbies are simply not important for long term relationships. I hear the naysayers, but I cannot tell you how many people get into long term relationships based on shared activities and then just fall apart years into it, as the activities slow down with work, children, whatever. Shared values are what is important. "being outdoorsy" is not a value. But talking about men who are 'indoorsy' and 'glued to a screen' is a value judgement. No one is going to be attracted to someone who judges them right out of the gate.

If one of your friends is ballsy enough to tell you that you are too much, then I think you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

OP, you hit us with walls of text, and describe telling epic stories. You are really scaring these guys off. Try not talking so much and not telling epic travel and adventure stories on dates and see what happens. Ask the other person questions about their life. Guys like to talk about themselves, especially at first.

[Anonymous]

You said you haven’t gained any weight but are your pics misleading in any way? Are you overweight and hiding it? That’s my guess

[Anonymous]

I am turned off by women’s epic travel stories. Reading profiles from women that post all their pictures from Tibet, Rome, on safari etc and blather on and on about passport stamps is annoying and sets an unrealistic expectation for others. Like it’s all you talk about, all your interested in and it’s a sneak peak into the future relationship. People who haven’t been to those exotic locales can’t relate.

[Anonymous]

“Epic?”

You sound full of yourself and annoying.