Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

Are you doing anything physical on the first date?

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you're trying too hard and it's coming off as inauthentic and boring.

When I did online dating, I went into first dates with no expectations. I saw the first date solely as a chance to "check each other out" and see if there might be some mutual attraction and enough to talk about. I didn't view it as me needing to impress or sell myself. And I didn't really see it as him needing to do that either. More like a step in between seeing a profile and going on a real date, to suss out chemistry.

It was very obvious to me when I met a man who was clearly going on a lot of first dates in an effort to find someone, and it was a turnoff. Obviously you don't to be too blasé; that's not appealing either. But it's hard to cover up earnestness, even if you think you are. You've got to find the space between not taking it too seriously right off the top and not coming off as a cool-girl doormat.

I was never not asked out on a second date, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Try to be: happy, sexy, fun. Many women in this area take themselves very seriously and come across as a total drag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you may be on to something with talking about your travel and unusual experiences. Your convo should be genuine convo and not a showcase. There will be plenty of time to tell your funny story about Morocco later if you make a real
Connection with someone. Try doubling down on being an interested rather than interesting conversationalist.

+1

That immediately stood out for me. Trying to see "cool" or "interesting" because of random past experiences (like work or travel) instead of showing who you are as a person is a turn off. People want to date people, not resumes and curated travel Instagrams.

[Anonymous]

You're trying too hard, talking about how amazing and interesting you are, and talking too much. I'd guess that's what's turning people off. No one likes to listen to someone drone on and on about how interesting and unique they are.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to be interesting, be INTERESTED- in them, in whatever you’re doing on the date etc…. I hate online dating but have had success the few times I’ve tried it.

I go and just plan to enjoy the evening without other expectations. Have fun, don’t worry so much on first or second dates about if there’s going to be another date.

And I would take new pics in case your looks have changed more than you realized. Have a friend take some, use a timer on your camera, whatever. All you need IMO is a clear face pic, a full body pic in something somewhat form fitting, & maybe one more with you doing something you like (hanging with your pet, playing a sport etc.

2nd the book recommendations from prior poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what you mean, OP.

I've been in the same boat and had that happen to me multiple times and I wonder, too. And same - I'm fit, attractive/put together, intelligent, etc. I think I might have something similar to you where I talk too much about myself/share too much too soon. Like you, not meant to be in a braggy way, but as a way to make conversation and show them who I am. But I realized I might come off as either bragging and trying to impress or just rambling on and on about stuff they're not interesting in.

So I try to make a point to make sure I'm asking them questions about themselves too. I've even gone so far as to make a list of questions I want to ask a guy so I have some go-to's if the conversation trails off. Not random weirdo questions, but just things to show him that I'm interested in getting know him and that I've been listening to things he's told me so far.

Best answer so far and there are some great answers here.
I think a lot of us, especially those who are single and insecure (I don’t mean insecure as a person, but insecure about being single and not hitting certain milestones or expectations) try too hard to curate a persona they want to be seen as. It’s like a live LinkedIn profile. Even when you don’t go on and on about your job - it’s like you try to build a personal brand and be like “I’m all about THIS!!!” instead of letting the you be you, being genuine and relatable and warm.

Yes agree.

There is an “art” to it, and some people are better than others (I was terrible at dating).

But don’t get discouraged! Just try to fine tune your dating skills.

Have you ever read the “date lab” in the WaPo magazine? It rarely seems to lead to the lasting relationship you are seeking OP. I think dating in this area can be difficult.

Ack! That's a terrible example! I think they purposely pair people who'd be incompatible to get clicks and views from the controversy. A college friend participated some years back and the man she was paired with was AWFUL. Her story went viral as a result, and she was humiliated.

[Anonymous]

I think many people here, including you yourself, OP, hit the nail on the head. Trust your gut about your “trying too hard” assessment. You mentioned twice that you like to talk about travel and adventure and not seem too “basic.” Ironically or not, this makes you more basic, especially in the DC area.

I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but especially if you are white and UMC/MC, rattling off about your NGO internship in Tajikistan does not make you less basic or less white or less UMC. It is very much a basic DC area thing (not just white people, but especially white people) to define themselves by “exotic” experiences as a substitute for whatever they feel they are lacking in who they genuinely are. This isn’t to say that “travel and adventure” aren’t an important part of who you are, but so is your day to day life. Think about it this way: if you reveal all your “special” and “unique” characteristics on day one, then your partner if you do get into a relationship will be disappointed in how ordinary and humdrum life with you is if you have nothing genuine to offer. On the flip side, if you are your natural self with a nice smile, caring nature, and show interest in him and others around you, your “uniqueness” will come out over time and will be an added plus with surprises to enhance the day to day life with you that he already knows and enjoys. Make sense?

[Anonymous]

My first impression after reading this is if I flipped it around and imagined a guy telling me epic stories etc my impression would be he’s self involved & looking to impress. I want someone who’s interested in getting to know me and is fun on the date. Huge bonus points if he’s funny and we are both laughing a lot.

I had an ex tell me he feel for me when he realized how funny I was (not sure I am but we had the same sense of humor); he said most attractive women act like all they need to bring is their appearance to the table.

Also- make sure you’re wearing something you look great in, whiten your teeth if necessary, and do your hair and makeup. Everyone (not just men) are visual to a degree

[Anonymous]

Ask a lot of questions. Listen more than you talk. Same as meeting anyone new. Draw out the other person. The usual result of this is the other person will think you are fascinating.

"Clearing the air" on politics would turn me off, and I'm pretty interested in politics and having a spouse on the same page politically is important to me. I would be annoyed to be labeled by someone I just met, or have to label myself. I just don't want to share that right off the bat, and my views are more nuanced than is worth getting into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to be interesting, be INTERESTED- in them, in whatever you’re doing on the date etc…. I hate online dating but have had success the few times I’ve tried it.

I go and just plan to enjoy the evening without other expectations. Have fun, don’t worry so much on first or second dates about if there’s going to be another date.

And I would take new pics in case your looks have changed more than you realized. Have a friend take some, use a timer on your camera, whatever. All you need IMO is a clear face pic, a full body pic in something somewhat form fitting, & maybe one more with you doing something you like (hanging with your pet, playing a sport etc.

2nd the book recommendations from prior poster.

Definitely enlist a friend here.

Realize your girlfriends will support anything you do - even the really bad choices. A guy friend might be more honest with you, and offer actual constructive advice.

Chin up & keep dating, OP!

[Anonymous]

Your date knows your politics. They are exactly the same as every other woman he is meeting on the apps, so no need to "clear the air."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to be: happy, sexy, fun. Many women in this area take themselves very seriously and come across as a total drag.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask a lot of questions. Listen more than you talk. Same as meeting anyone new. Draw out the other person. The usual result of this is the other person will think you are fascinating.

"Clearing the air" on politics would turn me off, and I'm pretty interested in politics and having a spouse on the same page politically is important to me. I would be annoyed to be labeled by someone I just met, or have to label myself. I just don't want to share that right off the bat, and my views are more nuanced than is worth getting into.

+1. I must have skipped over the politics and religion part but that would be a huge turn off on the first date.

Agree also about asking more questions and listening more than you talk. There are studies out there that people (men and women) view people more favorably when other people get them to talk about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Are you fun? Is the actual experience of hanging out with you relaxing? If you could not say a single word about yourself on a date would the other person be able to have a good time?