Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

OP, I doubt it's the travel stuff. Travel discussion is a common ice breaker because it allows people to talk about fun vacations and find common points of interest.

I suspect that it's the "let's clear the air about" stuff. If I heard that, even from a prospective friend, I would run the other direction. It sounds like you are feeling tense about the prospect that the person might disagree with you. And, over the course of a relationship, you'll definitely disagree about a lot of things. Normally, it's not a problem when people disagree because they like and respect each other, and if you say early on that you're worried that you may have different views and need to "clear the air" it suggests that you may create conflicts because your affection is contingent on them agreeing with your views. Which is unfair and does not bode well for the future of any relationship.

I'd offer this advice - consider whether this is true. Whether you really are this tense about people having other views. If you are, get to the bottom of this because even if you end up married, this will be a problem spot in your marriage. If you get the guy to fake agreement with you on all politics or whatever, it will still be a problem because they won't be able to "bring their whole selves" to the marriage.

If it isn't true, and you are able to respect people even if you think think are dead wrong on a topic, then drop the tense language about "clearing the air" and don't make it a tense subject. Learning about the other person should be part of the fun, not an issue to be dealt with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every successful man I have been out with has talked about himself the entire time on our first date. I will give them a second chance if they asked at least 2 questions of me and I find them sexually attractive. Sometimes they calm down on the second date, but sometimes they’re still acting like narcissists.

OP, do you want a serious relationship? Because when I meet people who travel all the time they do not seem like the types to settle down. You may also come off as too busy for a relationship.

Finally, the only goal of a first date is to decide if you want a second. You can’t possibly know if you’re a good fit over 1-2 hrs.

This hahaha ! Every guy.

This is funny. And true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I doubt it's the travel stuff. Travel discussion is a common ice breaker because it allows people to talk about fun vacations and find common points of interest.

I suspect that it's the "let's clear the air about" stuff. If I heard that, even from a prospective friend, I would run the other direction. It sounds like you are feeling tense about the prospect that the person might disagree with you. And, over the course of a relationship, you'll definitely disagree about a lot of things. Normally, it's not a problem when people disagree because they like and respect each other, and if you say early on that you're worried that you may have different views and need to "clear the air" it suggests that you may create conflicts because your affection is contingent on them agreeing with your views. Which is unfair and does not bode well for the future of any relationship.

I'd offer this advice - consider whether this is true. Whether you really are this tense about people having other views. If you are, get to the bottom of this because even if you end up married, this will be a problem spot in your marriage. If you get the guy to fake agreement with you on all politics or whatever, it will still be a problem because they won't be able to "bring their whole selves" to the marriage.

If it isn't true, and you are able to respect people even if you think think are dead wrong on a topic, then drop the tense language about "clearing the air" and don't make it a tense subject. Learning about the other person should be part of the fun, not an issue to be dealt with.

I’m not OP but this is really insightful. You should start an advice column! Do a parenting one next.

[Anonymous]

Post one current full figure photo. Only one photo is needed.

First and second date should be extremely light with very low expectations. No clear the air discussions, no discussions of politics and religion should be had.

To get someone to like you you need to ask a lot of open ended questions about them. They should be doing 80% of the talking. You should be doing 20% of the talking.

Let the man be the man. The man initiates the first date And makes the plans. The man initiates the second date and makes the plans.

You are clearly physically attractive since you are getting plenty of first dates and some second dates.

You might consider reading some Dale Carnegie books. Basically to get someone to like you you need to ask open ended questions about them. Let the other person do 80% of the talking etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Post one current full figure photo. Only one photo is needed.

First and second date should be extremely light with very low expectations. No clear the air discussions, no discussions of politics and religion should be had.

To get someone to like you you need to ask a lot of open ended questions about them. They should be doing 80% of the talking. You should be doing 20% of the talking.

Let the man be the man. The man initiates the first date And makes the plans. The man initiates the second date and makes the plans.

You are clearly physically attractive since you are getting plenty of first dates and some second dates.

You might consider reading some Dale Carnegie books. Basically to get someone to like you you need to ask open ended questions about them. Let the other person do 80% of the talking etc.

Barf!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But who will bury them? Will they just die alone?

Their cats will eat them. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But who will bury them? Will they just die alone?

Their cats will eat them. Problem solved.

Is this true? Will the cats only remember her and no one else?

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update.

I went on a date last night, practicing some of your advice.
First, I dressed cute and sexy but not over the top like I was trying to be something.
It was a bar, but it was casual and open ended with no expectations. It was fun.

I did not bring up travel until he asked, and I didn’t prattle on about it. Didn’t even detail specific places other than that I had lived abroad and learned to like some music from different places. But mostly that part of the conversation was about music, which was what we really clicked about, talking about different bands and the like and how both of us found it tedious learning guitar fundamentals. Instead of asking places he had been to (making it sound like a set up to compare passport stamps) I asked instead what he likes to do when he has time off from work. He does like traveling, but more domestically and more for music festivals and concerts. He is active, but more into soccer than mountain climbing. So it’s cool that there are similarities and then differences within those similarities… makes getting to know someone interesting. I probably asked him two questions about himself for every one question he asked about me, and showed interest in what he had to say. I’d like to say I was more mindful but less tense.
He wasn’t my usual “type” but attractive in an offbeat sort of way. He said he’d like to see me again, I said sure, but no concrete plans yet. I feel laid back about it, it would be fun to see him again but not the end of the world if I don’t. I have two other dates for the next week. Maybe I’ll get better?

I had no idea this thread would drag out so long honestly, but I do appreciate the straightforward answers. I actually expected more snark. Am I on the spectrum? Who knows, maybe I am, maybe we all are to some degree. As far as social cues go, I think I am instead hyper-aware if not paranoid and skeptical of taking peoples word face value (for example, guys who appeared interested in the travel stories, I had a hunch that they were lying or being fake, and I often have a first assumption that people are being fake, but that’s a whole other issue)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

I went on a date last night, practicing some of your advice.
First, I dressed cute and sexy but not over the top like I was trying to be something.
It was a bar, but it was casual and open ended with no expectations. It was fun.

I did not bring up travel until he asked, and I didn’t prattle on about it. Didn’t even detail specific places other than that I had lived abroad and learned to like some music from different places. But mostly that part of the conversation was about music, which was what we really clicked about, talking about different bands and the like and how both of us found it tedious learning guitar fundamentals. Instead of asking places he had been to (making it sound like a set up to compare passport stamps) I asked instead what he likes to do when he has time off from work. He does like traveling, but more domestically and more for music festivals and concerts. He is active, but more into soccer than mountain climbing. So it’s cool that there are similarities and then differences within those similarities… makes getting to know someone interesting. I probably asked him two questions about himself for every one question he asked about me, and showed interest in what he had to say. I’d like to say I was more mindful but less tense.
He wasn’t my usual “type” but attractive in an offbeat sort of way. He said he’d like to see me again, I said sure, but no concrete plans yet. I feel laid back about it, it would be fun to see him again but not the end of the world if I don’t. I have two other dates for the next week. Maybe I’ll get better?

I had no idea this thread would drag out so long honestly, but I do appreciate the straightforward answers. I actually expected more snark. Am I on the spectrum? Who knows, maybe I am, maybe we all are to some degree. As far as social cues go, I think I am instead hyper-aware if not paranoid and skeptical of taking peoples word face value (for example, guys who appeared interested in the travel stories, I had a hunch that they were lying or being fake, and I often have a first assumption that people are being fake, but that’s a whole other issue)

I'm sure this didn't happen at all.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

I went on a date last night, practicing some of your advice.
First, I dressed cute and sexy but not over the top like I was trying to be something.
It was a bar, but it was casual and open ended with no expectations. It was fun.

I did not bring up travel until he asked, and I didn’t prattle on about it. Didn’t even detail specific places other than that I had lived abroad and learned to like some music from different places. But mostly that part of the conversation was about music, which was what we really clicked about, talking about different bands and the like and how both of us found it tedious learning guitar fundamentals. Instead of asking places he had been to (making it sound like a set up to compare passport stamps) I asked instead what he likes to do when he has time off from work. He does like traveling, but more domestically and more for music festivals and concerts. He is active, but more into soccer than mountain climbing. So it’s cool that there are similarities and then differences within those similarities… makes getting to know someone interesting. I probably asked him two questions about himself for every one question he asked about me, and showed interest in what he had to say. I’d like to say I was more mindful but less tense.
He wasn’t my usual “type” but attractive in an offbeat sort of way. He said he’d like to see me again, I said sure, but no concrete plans yet. I feel laid back about it, it would be fun to see him again but not the end of the world if I don’t. I have two other dates for the next week. Maybe I’ll get better?

I had no idea this thread would drag out so long honestly, but I do appreciate the straightforward answers. I actually expected more snark. Am I on the spectrum? Who knows, maybe I am, maybe we all are to some degree. As far as social cues go, I think I am instead hyper-aware if not paranoid and skeptical of taking peoples word face value (for example, guys who appeared interested in the travel stories, I had a hunch that they were lying or being fake, and I often have a first assumption that people are being fake, but that’s a whole other issue)

I'm sure this didn't happen at all.

Don’t know why you would say that, but it did happen.
Other thing I meant to say was nobody talked politics, save for cracking one joke about anti-vaxxer/anti-maskers. I guess “clear the air” wasn’t the right way to describe it, I guess it’s more that I would gently make a subtle statement about or react to something just to make sure a guy doesn’t Love Trump, or believe that vaccines are communism. It’s not like I would actually grill someone on all their views and insist that we agree on everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

I went on a date last night, practicing some of your advice.
First, I dressed cute and sexy but not over the top like I was trying to be something.
It was a bar, but it was casual and open ended with no expectations. It was fun.

I did not bring up travel until he asked, and I didn’t prattle on about it. Didn’t even detail specific places other than that I had lived abroad and learned to like some music from different places. But mostly that part of the conversation was about music, which was what we really clicked about, talking about different bands and the like and how both of us found it tedious learning guitar fundamentals. Instead of asking places he had been to (making it sound like a set up to compare passport stamps) I asked instead what he likes to do when he has time off from work. He does like traveling, but more domestically and more for music festivals and concerts. He is active, but more into soccer than mountain climbing. So it’s cool that there are similarities and then differences within those similarities… makes getting to know someone interesting. I probably asked him two questions about himself for every one question he asked about me, and showed interest in what he had to say. I’d like to say I was more mindful but less tense.
He wasn’t my usual “type” but attractive in an offbeat sort of way. He said he’d like to see me again, I said sure, but no concrete plans yet. I feel laid back about it, it would be fun to see him again but not the end of the world if I don’t. I have two other dates for the next week. Maybe I’ll get better?

I had no idea this thread would drag out so long honestly, but I do appreciate the straightforward answers. I actually expected more snark. Am I on the spectrum? Who knows, maybe I am, maybe we all are to some degree. As far as social cues go, I think I am instead hyper-aware if not paranoid and skeptical of taking peoples word face value (for example, guys who appeared interested in the travel stories, I had a hunch that they were lying or being fake, and I often have a first assumption that people are being fake, but that’s a whole other issue)

I'm sure this didn't happen at all.

Don’t know why you would say that, but it did happen.
Other thing I meant to say was nobody talked politics, save for cracking one joke about anti-vaxxer/anti-maskers. I guess “clear the air” wasn’t the right way to describe it, I guess it’s more that I would gently make a subtle statement about or react to something just to make sure a guy doesn’t Love Trump, or believe that vaccines are communism. It’s not like I would actually grill someone on all their views and insist that we agree on everything.

Yes and it just so happens that the advice to become a complete blank slate and only interested in what the man likes is what works for you. Gunny how similar that is to the other multi page thread about a woman who just couldn't get dates, and as soon as she transformed herself into all the misogynistic stereotypes things just opened up for her, and that's with ignoring all your buzzwords and phrases in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

I went on a date last night, practicing some of your advice.
First, I dressed cute and sexy but not over the top like I was trying to be something.
It was a bar, but it was casual and open ended with no expectations. It was fun.

I did not bring up travel until he asked, and I didn’t prattle on about it. Didn’t even detail specific places other than that I had lived abroad and learned to like some music from different places. But mostly that part of the conversation was about music, which was what we really clicked about, talking about different bands and the like and how both of us found it tedious learning guitar fundamentals. Instead of asking places he had been to (making it sound like a set up to compare passport stamps) I asked instead what he likes to do when he has time off from work. He does like traveling, but more domestically and more for music festivals and concerts. He is active, but more into soccer than mountain climbing. So it’s cool that there are similarities and then differences within those similarities… makes getting to know someone interesting. I probably asked him two questions about himself for every one question he asked about me, and showed interest in what he had to say. I’d like to say I was more mindful but less tense.
He wasn’t my usual “type” but attractive in an offbeat sort of way. He said he’d like to see me again, I said sure, but no concrete plans yet. I feel laid back about it, it would be fun to see him again but not the end of the world if I don’t. I have two other dates for the next week. Maybe I’ll get better?

I had no idea this thread would drag out so long honestly, but I do appreciate the straightforward answers. I actually expected more snark. Am I on the spectrum? Who knows, maybe I am, maybe we all are to some degree. As far as social cues go, I think I am instead hyper-aware if not paranoid and skeptical of taking peoples word face value (for example, guys who appeared interested in the travel stories, I had a hunch that they were lying or being fake, and I often have a first assumption that people are being fake, but that’s a whole other issue)

this is really great! OP, i applaud you for being such a good sport about this, taking the good advice and not letting the really harsh advice bum you out. Good luck! I have a good feeling for you!

[Anonymous]

I don't get why it's mysoginistic to tell someone to not constantly talk about themselves and their experiences and to ask questions to the other person. I'm female and in my single days I went on dates with guys who spent most of the time like OP does. The dates were pretty miserable and I had no interest in a second date.

[Anonymous]

Funny how everyone is focused on the "travel stuff" but we all know it's her looks or age or both.