Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

What the title says. I've been doing online dating for about a year since my last relationship ended, and I rarely get a second or third date. I've been on tons of dates, sometimes two every weekend. I don't even mean the dates that are clearly boring and have no chemistry, I mean those that were fun and full of great conversation and seem promising. There have been times when I worked up the courage to ask if we'd see each other again, gotten a vague answer (which means no), but usually there's just no further contact. The few second dates I had led to a "thanks but no thanks" text a week later. Something like "I had a great time but I don't see this going anywhere."

It's gotten me feeling pretty down. I get plenty of "matches" and asked out on dates, but something about me must be really unremarkable or unappealing that I consistently cause a "thanks but no thanks" response. It's disheartening. I know the dating world these days sucks and people are usually swiping away to the next best thing, but I figured with the numbers game, someone would find me intriguing enough to pursue something further.

I honestly don't think it's a "catfishing" problem in that men are disappointed with the way i look in person vs. pictures. Sure, most of my pictures are from 2019, but that's because I like to have pictures of myself from traveling and social events, doing something interesting pre-pandemic. I haven't gained any weight or changed my appearance since then, except maybe my hair is slightly different.

I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date.

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, as opposed to the more mundane topics like job, hometown, college major, or TV shows. Could this be a turnoff? That I'm trying too hard to not be "basic"?

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the title says. I've been doing online dating for about a year since my last relationship ended, and I rarely get a second or third date. I've been on tons of dates, sometimes two every weekend. I don't even mean the dates that are clearly boring and have no chemistry, I mean those that were fun and full of great conversation and seem promising. There have been times when I worked up the courage to ask if we'd see each other again, gotten a vague answer (which means no), but usually there's just no further contact. The few second dates I had led to a "thanks but no thanks" text a week later. Something like "I had a great time but I don't see this going anywhere."

It's gotten me feeling pretty down. I get plenty of "matches" and asked out on dates, but something about me must be really unremarkable or unappealing that I consistently cause a "thanks but no thanks" response. It's disheartening. I know the dating world these days sucks and people are usually swiping away to the next best thing, but I figured with the numbers game, someone would find me intriguing enough to pursue something further.

I honestly don't think it's a "catfishing" problem in that men are disappointed with the way i look in person vs. pictures. Sure, most of my pictures are from 2019, but that's because I like to have pictures of myself from traveling and social events, doing something interesting pre-pandemic. I haven't gained any weight or changed my appearance since then, except maybe my hair is slightly different.

I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date.

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, as opposed to the more mundane topics like job, hometown, college major, or TV shows. Could this be a turnoff? That I'm trying too hard to not be "basic"?

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

maybe try to get a connection from messaging before a date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the title says. I've been doing online dating for about a year since my last relationship ended, and I rarely get a second or third date. I've been on tons of dates, sometimes two every weekend. I don't even mean the dates that are clearly boring and have no chemistry, I mean those that were fun and full of great conversation and seem promising. There have been times when I worked up the courage to ask if we'd see each other again, gotten a vague answer (which means no), but usually there's just no further contact. The few second dates I had led to a "thanks but no thanks" text a week later. Something like "I had a great time but I don't see this going anywhere."

It's gotten me feeling pretty down. I get plenty of "matches" and asked out on dates, but something about me must be really unremarkable or unappealing that I consistently cause a "thanks but no thanks" response. It's disheartening. I know the dating world these days sucks and people are usually swiping away to the next best thing, but I figured with the numbers game, someone would find me intriguing enough to pursue something further.

I honestly don't think it's a "catfishing" problem in that men are disappointed with the way i look in person vs. pictures. Sure, most of my pictures are from 2019, but that's because I like to have pictures of myself from traveling and social events, doing something interesting pre-pandemic. I haven't gained any weight or changed my appearance since then, except maybe my hair is slightly different.

I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date.

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, as opposed to the more mundane topics like job, hometown, college major, or TV shows. Could this be a turnoff? That I'm trying too hard to not be "basic"?

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

This would be my best guess. I mean, think about it, it sounds like you've got a reasonably large sample size of men and you are consistently not being asked out for second/third dates so there's clearly something in the initial presentation that's missing in person. My second guess would be you have some type of highly annoying/gross habit or mannerism that you may not even be aware of.

[Anonymous]

Chemistry is weird. Sometimes you click with a person and the walls comes down so easily.....but most of the time that doesn’t happen.

My guess is that you come across quite serious and guarded. It takes a lot to get you to truly open up and let down your hair. It also sounds like you have a bit of a script that you’re following and people can tell when you’re reading a script. It may come across as disingenuous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This would be my best guess. I mean, think about it, it sounds like you've got a reasonably large sample size of men and you are consistently not being asked out for second/third dates so there's clearly something in the initial presentation that's missing in person. My second guess would be you have some type of highly annoying/gross habit or mannerism that you may not even be aware of.

Fair enough feedback - Being honest, I don't filter, photoshop, or edit my photos, unless I'm using one that someone else took and they edited it (I wouldn't know). It's possible that I'm just not strikingly hot enough and these men are just moving along to find someone hotter (in which case, that's shallow and lame). I think I'm a 7/10... I'm thin and athletic with long hair and a nice smile, but maybe my face is just plain?

The second guess is what I wonder about. I often wonder if I have some tick or weird mannerism that no one has ever told me about. (Oh, and yes I shower and brush my teeth) I've asked friends and they've said nothing. That's why I'm wondering if the "Trying too hard with the epic stories" thing is what pushes people away.

[Anonymous]

May I ask what do you wear on first dates, and how do you wear your hair and makeup? Men are unfortunately very visual creatures and like to experience almost instant attraction. What you are wearing may be considered cute by women but completely asexual by a man.

I would also suggest:

1. Avoid "clearing the air" about religion and politics. That's something you already have a preliminary idea of from their profile, and girls can easily be labelled "crazy" or "pushy" for simply wanting a little more information. Is that fair? No, but it is reality.

2. Try not alluding to a second date or texting first after the first date. Men by nature want to hunt/chase/pursue. Give them the space to do that. Also it helps if men see you as a coveted prize who has a busy schedule and possibly many suitors.

3. Try not necessarily selling yourself. You are naturally interesting and accomplished, and that will come across.

[Anonymous]

Leave them wanting more. Breadcrumb it.

[Anonymous]

I posted the idea of an honesty dating app here: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/991032.page

Nobody seemed to pick up on the fact it would be *LESS* work as it would *AUTO*-generate a message that you are looking at other people and moving on. They didn't seem to get that negative comments would be completely unseen unless paid and signed a non-retaliation for. It is only more work and more expensive to string someone along until someone better comes along. It is only more expensive if you don't actually date your options and just go swipe crazy thinking there is always someone better.

If I were you, I'd try to meet people in real life, or through family and friends. Then the story of why it didn't work would have to get back to you.

[Anonymous]

I have two book recommendations: Why Men Love B*tches and Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love. I read the former which really taught me how to play the game of dating. Is it ridiculous that we have to play games? Absolutely, however, I knew what I was doing wasn't working, and once I understood better how men think I was so much better able to navigate dating, and I realized the mistakes I had made before! I have not read the latter, but it has been highly recommended.

[Anonymous]

Are you male or female? Also, does your profile say you’re looking for a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Do you have some guy friends you could talk with about your dating style? If one is a really helpful, good friend, you could even ask if you could do a mock date with him. You could dress/act the way you normally do on a date, and you could give you some tips or point out things to avoid.

[Anonymous]

DH here.

Agree with your hunch that it’s “something;” and identifying the issue is difficult.

How about a “moot date?” Do you have a close gay male friend? Sure - it sounds weird, but could you invite him on a first date and see if maybe he can help out (if he is willing). My teen daughter just discovered re-runs of the old series “queer eye for the straight guy” - and an impartial outsider’s observations can be so insightful; your post made me think of it.

Anonymous wrote:What the title says. I've been doing online dating for about a year since my last relationship ended, and I rarely get a second or third date. I've been on tons of dates, sometimes two every weekend. I don't even mean the dates that are clearly boring and have no chemistry, I mean those that were fun and full of great conversation and seem promising. There have been times when I worked up the courage to ask if we'd see each other again, gotten a vague answer (which means no), but usually there's just no further contact. The few second dates I had led to a "thanks but no thanks" text a week later. Something like "I had a great time but I don't see this going anywhere."

It's gotten me feeling pretty down. I get plenty of "matches" and asked out on dates, but something about me must be really unremarkable or unappealing that I consistently cause a "thanks but no thanks" response. It's disheartening. I know the dating world these days sucks and people are usually swiping away to the next best thing, but I figured with the numbers game, someone would find me intriguing enough to pursue something further.

I honestly don't think it's a "catfishing" problem in that men are disappointed with the way i look in person vs. pictures. Sure, most of my pictures are from 2019, but that's because I like to have pictures of myself from traveling and social events, doing something interesting pre-pandemic. I haven't gained any weight or changed my appearance since then, except maybe my hair is slightly different.

I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date.

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, as opposed to the more mundane topics like job, hometown, college major, or TV shows. Could this be a turnoff? That I'm trying too hard to not be "basic"?

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: . . .I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date. . .

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, . . .

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

First: your post was a wall of text & your conversation is likely the same way. Stop talking too much.

Second: politics? Why?? We get it: you are a proud educated liberal woman. So are 99% of the women in the dating pool here, and you date already knows that. Politics is a turn off. Just don’t go there. At all. Same with religion. Just don’t.

Finally, we all know the definition of braggadocious, but do you actually speak that way? You can tone it down and still come across as highly intelligent. Use of arcane vocabulary comes across as pretentious on a date.

Keep the questions coming, and hugs! Your match is out there, so keep looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: . . .I try and make good eye contact, ask good questions, listen more than I talk. I don't avoid talking politics or religion altogether - I do like to clear the air to make sure we're at least somewhat compatible on those things - but I don't go overboard with the opinions or obsess about it on a first or second date. . .

One theory I have is that maybe I'm "trying too hard" playing up the parts about myself I think are interesting. I like to talk about the different travel experiences and adventures I've had, the more unusual experiences and accomplishments - not in a braggadocious way, but in a "let me tell you this interesting story" kind of way, . . .

Any insights appreciated - I won't get offended. I'm just so sick of being so unremarkable and pass-over-able.

First: your post was a wall of text & your conversation is likely the same way. Stop talking too much.

Second: politics? Why?? We get it: you are a proud educated liberal woman. So are 99% of the women in the dating pool here, and you date already knows that. Politics is a turn off. Just don’t go there. At all. Same with religion. Just don’t.

Finally, we all know the definition of braggadocious, but do you actually speak that way? You can tone it down and still come across as highly intelligent. Use of arcane vocabulary comes across as pretentious on a date.

Keep the questions coming, and hugs! Your match is out there, so keep looking.

So don’t talk too much, assert your values and morals, or use big words. Be passive and meek and demure. Women should be seen and not heard and preferably in the kitchen making a sandwich.

[Anonymous]

I think you may be on to something with talking about your travel and unusual experiences. Your convo should be genuine convo and not a showcase. There will be plenty of time to tell your funny story about Morocco later if you make a real
Connection with someone. Try doubling down on being an interested rather than interesting conversationalist.