Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t accept the shouting, lashing out and verbal abuse.

This is where you draw the line, including with verbal, emotional or psychological abuse. Regardless of if you’re dealing with an alcoholic or an aspie.
If they cannot or will not treat or control their symptoms and behavior, you and the children need to leave. Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not formally diagnosed, but I believe my husband has Asperger’s. After 40+ years I left to live in second home; much happier. Was better when we were younger, working, busy - now in retirement I recognize his lack of concern for me, lack of empathy, self-centered fixations. He got more irritated, more critical, more unkind. I don’t think it’s something that is fixable; I am happier on my own, my self esteem is far better without his mean comments. We stay in touch, aren’t divorced - just live separately.

We will likely become like this except my DH also has a diagnosis for PTSD which is very very difficult to live with - worse than the Asperger’s.

[Anonymous]

Staggering amount of cruelty in this thread, especially those who don’t think autistic people live worthwhile lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staggering amount of cruelty in this thread, especially those who don’t think autistic people live worthwhile lives.

No one said that. Various people are commenting how autistic people are very difficult to live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staggering amount of cruelty in this thread, especially those who don’t think autistic people live worthwhile lives.

Of course autistic people have worthwhile lives and can have loving and wonderful family lives too. But they have to do the work. They have to seek help and try to manage their situation. But if they are doing it for the 1st time when they are adults it is extremely difficult. That's why parents have to work with their ASD kids early and help them so they can go on and lead fulfilling, happy lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, same here.

A couple families we had vacationed with saw his lies and outbursts and mentioned abuse or dementia. He had a diagnosis, ASD.
That was it. Still don’t know what will come of the young kids, he loves them but cannot care for them, or anything. Even his car.
It is the twilight zone at home with his mishaps, omittances, and temper tantrums aimed at deflecting from fixing the problem. I don’t even bother asking home what happened since I’ll get total BS response or an argument. But then I also don’t know where the broken glass is or how hurt the child is or how the cabinet got kicked in…

You all have to get out under control or you have to leave. Violence is never ok.

Not sure if this further isolates you, but DH and I separated our friend circles. It really helped establish my own support network, and know that DHs ASD was not my problem. It was naturally shaking out that way anyway because of his outbursts and attacks on my family and friends

I handle all of my kids socialization with their friends they're friends too, so there's no awkward running with DH and their parents that will affect my kids.

We need to separate our friend circles and even our family gatherings. He gets in fights, lies, breaks things accidentally all the time but then doubles down on bad and LIES about or HIDES the broken thing. (And never well, he left out glass shards for six kids to walk over).

Families stopped inviting us over to their pool, their beach houses, my side of the family has seen him at his worst and need to heal.

It’s really bad. He denies his symptoms and diagnoses. Frankly nowadays with his denial of what he does and says he needs a brain scan.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to all those in an aspie/NT marriage. Following this thread. I was the OP on a similar thread a few months ago. Some good ideas were shared. Here it is:

Aspergers, fighting and contemplating divorce
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/963311.page

[Anonymous]

Bumping this - 2 aspergers threads are getting mixed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, same here.

A couple families we had vacationed with saw his lies and outbursts and mentioned abuse or dementia. He had a diagnosis, ASD.
That was it. Still don’t know what will come of the young kids, he loves them but cannot care for them, or anything. Even his car.
It is the twilight zone at home with his mishaps, omittances, and temper tantrums aimed at deflecting from fixing the problem. I don’t even bother asking home what happened since I’ll get total BS response or an argument. But then I also don’t know where the broken glass is or how hurt the child is or how the cabinet got kicked in…

You all have to get out under control or you have to leave. Violence is never ok.

Not sure if this further isolates you, but DH and I separated our friend circles. It really helped establish my own support network, and know that DHs ASD was not my problem. It was naturally shaking out that way anyway because of his outbursts and attacks on my family and friends

I handle all of my kids socialization with their friends they're friends too, so there's no awkward running with DH and their parents that will affect my kids.

We need to separate our friend circles and even our family gatherings. He gets in fights, lies, breaks things accidentally all the time but then doubles down on bad and LIES about or HIDES the broken thing. (And never well, he left out glass shards for six kids to walk over).

Families stopped inviting us over to their pool, their beach houses, my side of the family has seen him at his worst and need to heal.

It’s really bad. He denies his symptoms and diagnoses. Frankly nowadays with his denial of what he does and says he needs a brain scan.

He should get a scan. I'm getting ready for the one-two punch of ASD and dementia...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is diagnosed with ASD, depression and anxiety. OP - h3et DH (assuming) on medication stat if there are comorbidities. AFAIK ASD isn't medicated, but if there's other dx like above or OCD, ADHD, etc. then take those pills. He'll need a psychiatrist and therapist. For it to have gone on so long undetected might indicate some childhood or family trauma and dysfunction.

PP who mentioned Cassandra syndrome is right. You also need to take care of yourself and your kids. Seek out individual therapy if you think you need it. We used to do couples therapy, but even the therapist agreed it was a waste of time and dropped us.

My kids are too young for therapy, but that's something we might revisit as they get older. We got them screened for ASD because tbecause there's a strong genetic component. So far it doesn't seem they have it. I am basically taking care of the kids 100%, even though we live with their father. He does spend time with them, but it is supervised and scheduled.

I could see this working. But still is very far from a normal marriage and team parenting/raising children.

Eh, all marriages are weird. I know DH loves us in his own way. We are still a team but his contributions are different. I sometimes feel like a single mother with a generous benefactor who happens to be a moody teenager.

Posting for the first time in response to this thread. I’m just rereading because I needed some understanding tonight. The pp’s post above really resonated with me because that is EXACTLY how I feel, most of the time. It makes more grateful and less resentful to think of myself as a single mother.

It helps that he is responsible around his job and does it well. However the stresses from the job is pushing him to want to retire 20yrs earlier though and to be burnt out at the end of the day and on the weekend, to the extent that he seems brain damaged. It cannot be an easy existence when simple things like navigating a kitchen, feeding himself, and communicating with people and remembering events comes as such a huge challenge. It is hard for both of us.

So much written on this thread resonated for me.

Last night I asked him to cook dinner because I had prepared breakfast lunch and dinner AND done clean up for 2 wks straight. I got a meal kit with instructions. As with any time he’s in the kitchen, there were big accidents. That he blames on poor design of his materials, or me. Something shatters, or explodes, or drops and spills all over the kitchen floor. Every time.

I’m just extra tired this week. Because we’ve re-entered the social world and doing things again and I have always handled that part of our lives 125 percent. Everything from maintaining relationships, making plans, remembering dates, preparing, arranging childcare, making sure kids have everything they need for whatever thing they are doing, etc. I restarted “date nights” and honestly it is too much work for not enough pay off. I plan everything, arrange childcare, I pay for everything, and all he does is come along for the ride and while he can keep up pretty good intellectual conversation, the emotional connection or affection I crave never comes. I feel like a fool to keep looking for it from him.

I am so thankful for my friendships and that I get what I need from them. Things like support, understanding, being seen, encouragement, and reciprocity.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you a Stay at home mom?

I am in the SAME boat but work full time and manage the nanny and everything else.

Am wondering which is better with these tag-along ASD work addict spouses. Mine too has devolved on the home front due to checking out during Covid, school at home and increased work demands.

[Anonymous]

I meant PP, are you SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you a Stay at home mom?

I am in the SAME boat but work full time and manage the nanny and everything else.

Am wondering which is better with these tag-along ASD work addict spouses. Mine too has devolved on the home front due to checking out during Covid, school at home and increased work demands.

I can tell you that for me, it helped ALOT to stop working. I was really struggling with handling work AND everything else and I was so resentful that we were fighting constantly and I was thinking of divorce all the time. My husband was pushing for me to stop working for a long time but I was resistant to give up that part of my identity. But once I stopped working I COULD just handle everything else while my husband could just focus on work. He ended up getting promoted, which he didn’t want, as he wanted less responsibility, not more. And he really does not like managing people and finds it incredibly draining and frustrating.

We stopped most fighting about what home responsibilities at home he was not doing and just all the miscommunication and lack of communication around just running a household and raising young children. And I learned to focus on his strengths and he does well with a single project that can take a hundred hours. He’s amazing with just sticking with it from start to finish. He does it in his own way and on his own schedule, but he gets it done. I don’t have that kind of patience and focus. He’s terrible with the everyday stuff but he is fairly reliable with things that are baked into his routine like bringing in the mail, emptying the dishwasher in the morning and spending time with the kids after work.

And it has helped me to draw some lines about what I won’t do for him anymore, like managing his stuff, doing his laundry, keeping up his friendships and family relationships by regularly reaching out to them. I still am the tracker for his parents’ and siblings’ birthdays but I’ve stopped handling the cards and gifts for them and the nieces and nephews. These are life skills he needs to live a life. He has dropped the ball on his friendships and sadly, most have fallen away, but he has picked up some slack with his family, and now frankly we see and talk to them a lot less than we used to. He has over time, and many hours of trial and error, become quite handy, so he builds and fixes things. If I need something fixed quickly, I hire someone but if it’s a long haul project, my husband can take it on.

I have started thinking about what I want to do once the children are in school for the full day, and I am not sure. My husband is burnt out and wants a different gig with half the hours. I think that will be a hard transition for us unless he really commits to learning how to take on some other home and parent responsibilities. But I do crave working and that whole identity and social world. I don’t think a full time job for me is in our cards however, until the children are grown.

[Anonymous]

I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.