Aspergers, fighting and contemplating divorce
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Anonymous
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Anyone contemplating divorce due to Aspergers and oppositional personality or already been through it, with kids?
I'm really struggling. Being home all the time during Covid makes me realize what I've been living with - no more rose-colored glasses. Lots of arguments between us, and between husband and early elementary-aged kid, and then they're all lovey-dovey later, even after dad says "shut up" to the kid and tells me to "just leave the room" (today's fun, and no apologies). It's not a healthy environment. I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years, but husband just isn't into therapy and really doesn't think he has much to improve on. He is a great friend and family member to others but at home, it's a different story. He seems to have learned how to keep his friends from seeing this side of him. I deal with verbal abuse sometimes - those Aspie tantrums you read about. He learned how to tame them when I was pregnant, so I was hopeful he would be open to more change, along with me, in therapy. But no. I really hate the meanness of being told to "get a real job" when I work part-time and manage everything because his Aspie organizational skills only apply to his job specialization, and the daily stuff is a challenge. He would never admit to that. (Our finances are manageable.) I fear if we get divorced that the logistics of it would be a nightmare for our child, and that husband wouldn't be able to manage the meals, clothing, a regular sleep/eating schedule, keeping up with emails (he never opens/answers any of the school related ones), etc. And that having a respectful, good communication co-parenting situation would never fly. And did I mention the marriage became sexless after pregnancy? -Random woman's 3am rant. |
Anonymous
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Yes 100% right here with you. DH is newly diagnosed, doesn't have the tantrums, just shuts down and ignores what he wants and relentlessly pursues his own issues. He has a constant need to control myself and our kids. He completely ignored Easter, certainly didn't help with any of it, and was just obsessively focused on DC's roblox time over that 24 hours. He wants the "bad" behavior of his kids gone, and thinks I have a magic wand to do so. Has no actual parenting solutions. Meanwhile, he comes down as such a hammer on them. I'm worried for them if I go (not physically), but am finding it harder to see how I stay. I'm sorry OP, have you found any good resources?
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Anonymous
| You are me. Including the sexless marriage after pregnancy.i totally sympathize. I made it a condition of staying in the marriage that DH gets medication for his anxiety and depression and that's helped a lot. |
Anonymous
| I have a teen with Aspergers. I am not sure how good a partner he’d be, but the behaviors you describe as “Aspie” just sound like being an a$$hole. I know a lot of kids on the spectrum and truly don’t know what you mean about “Aspie tantrums.“ What are they? I honestly do not know any rageful people with ASD. Lack of exec function is a thing, but not opening emails is not a characteristic of ASD. Your dh seems mean, angry, frustrated, and a PITA but I’m not sure being on the spectrum is his main problem. |
Anonymous
+1 PP with ASD spouse and comorbidities. In our case, the ASD is not the problem as much as trying to compensate without pharmaceutical help. It's extremely stressful for him, and he puts on a good face for work so he's totally tapped out at home. |
Anonymous
| I live in the DMV and I have been dealing with something similar with my wife. We have two middle-aged kids and we both have similar paying secure professional jobs.She is very good at her job and has a lot of telltale signs of ASD. But basic organization at home like paying bills or laundry or kids appointments all fall on me.We have a sexless marriage. Unhappy but in the marriage due to the kids. My question to the community here is how do I go and get her tested to get a confirmed diagnosis. I would be the first to admit that I have issues too I have undiagnosed ADD which needs to be addressed as well I have severe executive functioning issues myself so I am lost without lists and reminders. How do we go about getting diagnosed and tested. Due to the sexless nature of our marriage I’m also quite dependent on porn. Long time reader of this forum. I appreciate the collective wisdom here. Any help would be greatly appreciated thank you |
Anonymous
Do you need a diagnosis to learn and implement supports? See if you can find a therapist nearby and ask if they require an add or autism spectrum diagnosis to treat. Unless you are seeking medication for add. If that is the case you will need to search for add centers who test adults, likely, before medication. You should invest in therapy for yourself even if your wife does not. |
Anonymous
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OP here. On the diagnosis question and replying to 10:05 - Diagnosis is a big issue. Locally we do not seem to have good resources on Aspergers/minimally on the spectrum people. There are people doing telehealth elsewhere and therapists who work with neorotypical/atypical couples. I am dealing with a resistance issue and was told by more than one therapist to drop pursuing a diagnosis because it wasn't getting us anywhere and making him impossible. I do my best to model good behavior with kiddo.
7:12 poster: Thank you for writing. In solidarity. |
Anonymous
My ASD tween struggles with rage. A lot. He holds it together around other people, but when it’s just the 2 of us I can barely stand being around him. We’re working on it, but it’s a process and I don’t have much hope. I really hope that he doesn’t get married if he can’t change. |
Anonymous
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that doesn’t sound like autism.
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Anonymous
yep. sounds more like adhd. I’m not sure how an adult with friends, a job, and a marriage would get dx’d as ASD as the explanatory diagnosis. I suppose he could be on the very mild end of the spectrum, but the actual issue appears to be anger and impulsivenesss. |
Anonymous
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Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get). |
Anonymous
oh, you’re diagnosing him yourself. got it. |
Anonymous
what do you think “getting her diagnosed” would do? there is no medication for autism. there is no blood test. and even assuming autism contributes to your marital problems, she has to want to change. |
Anonymous
| OP, I know zero about Asperger symptoms and their adult manifestations, but many people in your situation post similar fears of separation/divorce with regard to their children. Perhaps I am naive, but do you really think your husband will handle his parental duties and visitation on a consistent basis? He doesn’t sound like the type to step up for the long haul. So, if his visitation starts out with every other weekend, how long would he be able to manage that schedule before he cancels or scales back? Hoping other divorced moms chime in because maybe I am totally off base. |