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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op, are you a Stay at home mom?

I am in the SAME boat but work full time and manage the  nanny and everything else.

Am wondering which is better with these tag-along ASD work addict spouses. Mine too has devolved on the home front due to checking out during Covid, school at home and increased work demands. [/quote]

I can tell you that for me, it helped ALOT to stop working. I was really struggling with handling work AND everything else and I was so resentful that we were fighting constantly and I was thinking of divorce all the time.  My husband was pushing for me to stop working for a long time but I was resistant to give up that part of my identity. But once I stopped working I COULD just handle everything else while my husband could just focus on work.  He ended up getting promoted, which he didn’t want, as he wanted less responsibility, not more. And he really does not like managing people and finds it incredibly draining and frustrating.

We stopped most fighting about what home responsibilities at home he was not doing and just all the miscommunication and lack of communication around just running a household and raising young children.  And I learned to focus on his strengths and he does well with a single project that can take a hundred hours.  He’s amazing with just sticking with it from start to finish.  He does it in his own way and on his own schedule, but he gets it done.  I don’t have that kind of patience and focus.  He’s terrible with the everyday stuff but he is fairly reliable with things that are baked into his routine like bringing in the mail, emptying the dishwasher in the morning and spending time with the kids after work.

And it has helped me to draw some lines about what I won’t do for him anymore, like managing his stuff, doing his laundry, keeping up his friendships and family relationships by regularly reaching out to them. I still am the tracker for his parents’ and siblings’ birthdays but I’ve stopped handling the cards and gifts for them and the nieces and nephews. These are life skills he needs to live a life.  He has dropped the ball on his friendships and sadly, most have fallen away, but he has picked up some slack with his family, and now frankly we see and talk to them a lot less than we used to.  He has over time, and many hours of trial and error, become quite handy, so he builds and fixes things. If I need something fixed quickly, I hire someone but if it’s a long haul project, my husband can take it on.

I have started thinking about what I want to do once the children are in school for the full day, and I am not sure. My husband is burnt out and wants a different gig with half the hours.  I think that will be a hard transition for us unless he really commits to learning how to take on some other home and parent responsibilities.  But I do crave working and that whole identity and social world. I don’t think a full time job for me is in our cards however, until the children are grown.[/quote]

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