Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

Why doesn’t the autistic spouse in this scenario have any agency or autonomy? Also, I don’t see many unreasonable or unrealistic expectations in this thread. These are people who expected a partner and co-parent and instead wound up with hostile partners who dump all parenting responsibilities on them and are not supportive or emotionally present.

I actually have empathy for all parties here but the idea that these women are just gold diggers is misogynist and victim-blaming. It sounds like most of these men were not diagnosed before marriage. How could these women know? And it is a disorder that gets worse as it goes untreated, and especially with stress, so it would not be that hard to overlook quirks at first only for things to deteriorate as you age and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

+1

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, same here.

A couple families we had vacationed with saw his lies and outbursts and mentioned abuse or dementia. He had a diagnosis, ASD.
That was it. Still don’t know what will come of the young kids, he loves them but cannot care for them, or anything. Even his car.
It is the twilight zone at home with his mishaps, omittances, and temper tantrums aimed at deflecting from fixing the problem. I don’t even bother asking home what happened since I’ll get total BS response or an argument. But then I also don’t know where the broken glass is or how hurt the child is or how the cabinet got kicked in…

You all have to get out under control or you have to leave. Violence is never ok.

Not sure if this further isolates you, but DH and I separated our friend circles. It really helped establish my own support network, and know that DHs ASD was not my problem. It was naturally shaking out that way anyway because of his outbursts and attacks on my family and friends

I handle all of my kids socialization with their friends they're friends too, so there's no awkward running with DH and their parents that will affect my kids.

We need to separate our friend circles and even our family gatherings. He gets in fights, lies, breaks things accidentally all the time but then doubles down on bad and LIES about or HIDES the broken thing. (And never well, he left out glass shards for six kids to walk over).

Families stopped inviting us over to their pool, their beach houses, my side of the family has seen him at his worst and need to heal.

It’s really bad. He denies his symptoms and diagnoses. Frankly nowadays with his denial of what he does and says he needs a brain scan.

+1

YES! So true, and so frustrating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Activist just did 5 posts. Good luck activist.

We have Dx, we’re sandwiches between an ASD grandfather, uncle, spouse, kid.

We know exactly how difficult they are to live with no matter what pretzel twist you want to make of yourself.

Agree, it is a total advantage in a relationship or negotiation to be an unempath and not care about anyone but yourself. Fly into an irrational rage one night, scare everyone and wake up the next morning and ask everyone if they’re want to go for a hike. Like nothing is wrong. Like no severe damage occurred.

Their special interest persona may do well but the rest of their life is a total SS. Even when they’re 40 to and still living w their mom wondering why they got fired or dumped again. And she’s wondering by why she never out her kid or now adult kid in therapy.

I posted just above you. I am not an activist, and I have only posted once on this thread (well, twice now). Empathy goes both ways. Your child isn’t “flying into an irrational rage and scaring everyone” for no reason. No one does. People get angry because they are hurt, someone they care about it hurt, they are ignored or demeaned, or an important goal of theirs is blocked. It feels irrational because it isn’t obvious to you what is making them angry, but it’s worth figuring out what is important to your husband and your kid, rather than blowing them off as irrational and uncaring. If you aren’t willing to figure this out with your kid, I can guarantee you that no one else is.

We have to walk around on eggshells because we don’t know what they’ve been bottling up all day at work or school. The will blow up at ANY comment or any thing at home, their safe place where they unmask and crash.

+1

The fixations can be out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

+1 . I really and truly don't understand how women end up in these marriages except for desperation. Aspie's especially the level of HFA depicted in this thread do not mask all that well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

+1

Well said.

Just proves you don't understand ASD at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

+1

Well said.

Just proves you don't understand ASD at all.

Ok activist

[Anonymous]

“Activist” is anyone who doesn’t believe folks with autism are ruining the lives of their parents and spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I agree, autistic people should only marry autistic people. That way they both don’t and can’t care.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW with ASD that was diagnosed later in life. Everyone has their own story of course, but for us the diagnosis was a revelation and very helpful in understanding why my downtime was essential to protect. As a female my presentation is quite different than what a lot of people think autism looks like - you'd probably never guess if you met me. But the relationship strains were real, especially adding a child to the mix.

We have a loving relationship and do well together. Some of what I bring to the table has really added to the fun and sense of adventure that we experience together, and some of what DH brings to the table helps me stay grounded and he is a good for reality checks when I don't pick up on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

+1

Well said.

+1 more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW with ASD that was diagnosed later in life. Everyone has their own story of course, but for us the diagnosis was a revelation and very helpful in understanding why my downtime was essential to protect. As a female my presentation is quite different than what a lot of people think autism looks like - you'd probably never guess if you met me. But the relationship strains were real, especially adding a child to the mix.

We have a loving relationship and do well together. Some of what I bring to the table has really added to the fun and sense of adventure that we experience together, and some of what DH brings to the table helps me stay grounded and he is a good for reality checks when I don't pick up on things.

Thank you for including your perspective here. You sound very open minded and flexible, which I'm sure is what helps your marriage work. Some of us here seem to have neuro-divergent spouses who are not so open. I do think that those that find an ASD diagnosis to be a revelation end up much happier, because of an openness to this flexibility. I hope we will get there..... not sure though....