How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she was a teen already when her parents remarried,

OP clarified that they've been married since this kid was 12. So, OP has had 5 years to save for college while probably not paying for housing etc . . . , and the step father has had 5 years to form a relationship with this child, and the kid has been watching this enormously uneven treatment since she was too young to make any sense of it.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. I'm 36 now and honestly I still think my mother behaved very selfishly and will always think less of he was a result.

[Anonymous]

1. Talk to you husband first. Tell him you are concerned about financing college for DD because of the income issue. Ask him what he did when his kids applied with regard to his ex's contributions etc. Not that that matters, but it opens a door for you to start a conversation. Maybe he will offer some help or a loan, or some agreement when it comes to a longer term division of assets between the kids down the road.

2. Tell you DD to knock off the bratty jealously while you figure this out because first it's going to ruin her relationships with her whole stepfamily and second, it's certainly not going to help gain any goodwill with her stepfather.

3. Discuss the idea of education loans with her and what she feels she's comfortable with taking on. If you feel you can continue contributing in years to come to help her pay them off, then offer that.

Also, what kind of student is she? Will she be a buckled-down college kid who uses a private school education to her advantage?

[Anonymous]

OP, your new husband’s income and assets will be reported on and count on the FAFSA. Colleges don’t care about your marital drama. That would be where your DD’s resentment might come into play. It’s well founded but an important lesson to learn. From one to another, not everyone can count on their parents to support them or encourage them in their goals. Life’s not fair.

[Anonymous]

OK OP. You obviously think your daughter should be grateful for ponying up 1 year in a mid-tier state school. Do you understand that from her perspective the $90K in loans from MD isn’t appreciably different than the $300K from Vassar? They’re both going to cripple her financially for most of her young adulthood. You are not offering her a choice between debt free college and student loans at a private school, you’re offering her the choice of a lot of debt at a school she doesn’t want to attend or a LOT of debt at a school she does.

And, as others have pointed out, if you had held off marrying your rich second husband she would very likely be going to either school debt free.

So how should you talk to her about it? Well, when it comes to
Decisions she will make that will affect your life, how do you want her to approach it? Yeah I’ll pony up for one year in a mid-range state assisted living facility and then mom can go to whatever hell hole medicaid will fund because I’m still making payments on my college debts?

[Anonymous]

OP you could also talk to your husband about him giving you the amount needed. If you have a prenup, offer to reduce the amount by what is spent on college. If he has a will, ask to have it amended to subtract the amount for college from what you would inherit.

[Anonymous]

So by remarrying, you traded up your lifestyle while simultaneously screwing your daughter in the deal. I’m not sure I could handle that situation and the proximity of step siblings who are getting so much more. And You are asking a child to do it? Have you even spoken to your husband about his thoughts on the matter? Or are you side stepping a chance to advocate for your daughter to avoid making waves - which again, are in Your best interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK OP. You obviously think your daughter should be grateful for ponying up 1 year in a mid-tier state school. Do you understand that from her perspective the $90K in loans from MD isn’t appreciably different than the $300K from Vassar? They’re both going to cripple her financially for most of her young adulthood. You are not offering her a choice between debt free college and student loans at a private school, you’re offering her the choice of a lot of debt at a school she doesn’t want to attend or a LOT of debt at a school she does.

And, as others have pointed out, if you had held off marrying your rich second husband she would very likely be going to either school debt free.

So how should you talk to her about it? Well, when it comes to
Decisions she will make that will affect your life, how do you want her to approach it? Yeah I’ll pony up for one year in a mid-range state assisted living facility and then mom can go to whatever hell hole medicaid will fund because I’m still making payments on my college debts?

+1
It's not like you're offering her something attractive (debt-free at a state school) against something more attractive (moderate debt at the school of choice). You're offering something crappy (moderate debt at a school she doesn't want) against something also crappy (crippling debt at the school of choice). I agree that this is not just about college. It's about your relationship with her, and with the rest of your family (who apparently don't really see her as part of the family). So that's how you should approach it, whatever solution you come up with.

[Anonymous]

NP and haven't read the replies yet, but I was in a similar situation and here is how it turned out:

My mom left my dad when I was 8 y.o., and we were scraping by. After high school, I lived at home, worked two jobs, and went to a junior college. When I got to my four year college, my mom had remarried and due to my step-father's financial situation, I couldn't get financial aid.

My step-father, who I actually didn't like very much because he was pretty rigid (we didn't NOT get along but we didn't get along either), said it was his fault that I didn't get the aid and stepped up and paid my tuition and for my little place in someone's garage.

I ended up going to Harvard Law and he paid for that as well. This was all done even though my dad was in town and contributed nothing.

So I just skimmed your OP but I think you said you have not discussed the matter with your new husband. What is the harm in discussing this with him?

Even if she takes out a loan from him, he can charge her less interest than a bank would, and that money comes back to "the family," not out the door to a bank.

When my DH and I bought our house, we took out a loan from my mom and step-father and paid them. The interest was really low, but the interest went back to them--stayed in the family, and eventually (after they died) benefitted both my brother and myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she was a teen already when her parents remarried,

OP clarified that they've been married since this kid was 12. So, OP has had 5 years to save for college while probably not paying for housing etc . . . , and the step father has had 5 years to form a relationship with this child, and the kid has been watching this enormously uneven treatment since she was too young to make any sense of it.

With 5 years and stepdad that wealthy he can help pay for college. And, OP save.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you. It is a really tough situation. I'm sorry PPs are piling on against you for a choice you made years ago at a time when I am betting you weren't really thinking too clearly about the long term financial impacts on your daughter. Could you have/should you have? Sure. But that is beside the point.

Today you have 30K to put toward your daughter's education. Because of what she sees your DH's children getting, she is resentful. You asked how you might be able to navigate through the situation. Almost nobody has given you any practical advice and would rather beat you up.

My best advice is to grit your teeth and deal with it as she processes. Continue to gently remind her when the opportunity to presents itself that she has options, that you will contribute what you can, and that focusing on what other people have gotten won't help anything. Try to support her. I agree with other's that in any way saying she is being unkind to your DH's kids will only make the problem worse. Don't try to get in the middle of those relationships. Your finances are separate and you said that there is no familial relationship between the kids, so I wouldn't worry about it any more than I would worry if she was comparing herself to other students at her school...

[Anonymous]

The problem with asking her husband for a loan is that it wipes out the chance she could apply for loan forgiveness down the road (for example if she goes into long term government or nonprofit work).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you could also talk to your husband about him giving you the amount needed. If you have a prenup, offer to reduce the amount by what is spent on college. If he has a will, ask to have it amended to subtract the amount for college from what you would inherit.

+1

OP, is there a prenup? What is in DHs will? and yours? Surely that has all been done? What arrangements were made for your DD?

I know that when my mom remarried, each partner had teen/young adult children. Each partner brought $$$ (some family $, some savings) nto the marriage but stepdad brought more. Financial planning, will etc was done. An equitable arrangement was made and agreed upon. Have you not done this already?!

[Anonymous]

Would you be willing to take on a second job to help apply towards future loans your daughter would take on? Maybe such a suggestion would help ease your daughter’s frustrations and help her to see you both as working as a team to resolve this. Maybe if your husband saw you working retail on the weekends for your daughter, he would offer to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Good grief there is so much bad incorrect advice here.
1. She can’t make herself not be a dependent. Unless she has a kid,gets married, or is 24 she is considered a dependent.
2. She can’t take out enough loans for a private! Direct loans to students are capped at fr 3500, soph 4500 , jr/sr 5500. If you are talking about a private college she can’t take out enough loans even if she wanted to. You would have to take out a PLUS loan for parents or co-sign a private loan for her which would be a horrible move.
3. Since you are remarried for financial aid purposes your husbands income will count so she won’t get any need based aid.
4. Your daughter is proving she doesn’t deserve his generosity. You’ve been married a couple of years and he thinks she is entitled to about 200k and she is talking shit to his daughters who by the way have a mom who makes great money.