How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you hadn't married him then she would get aid to go to these schools, but still would not have the latest Phones, cars, trips, etc that you speak of. She would then get to the school and envy the other students who did have these "privileges".

You can try to help her see that both of your lives could be a lot worse if you have not married. I assume that you are living in a more stable house hold and do not have the stress of needing to worry about where the rent/mortgage payment would come from.

Going to college with someone who has more than you is way different from living in a household with a sibling who is given more than you. How can people understand that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

When you call your daughter bratty, entitled, ask why she wants more, you really are not sympathetic. As for your step daughter, probably true, right? Seems like you should have let her into the financial strategy years ago.

[Anonymous]

My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

[Anonymous]

I understand her. I desperately wanted to attend a private my parents could not afford. And I packed up my car and went. Signed away billion student loans that my parents paid few years later smugly.

Ask your husband. If you can marry this man, till death do you part, why can't you have this honest conversation? It's very odd. Just stop being weird and do it. If he says no, he says no. But for goodness sake, ask him. I did public and private college - private was a world better. Too much to write. If he says no, tell your daughter he won't do it because some excuse. His money tied up with his kids things.

[Anonymous]

You married a man who can but will not pay for college for his wife's dd? What kind of desperate person are you?

[Anonymous]

Wow, I’m surprised by all the responses against OP!

You all really think this man should fork over FOUR HUNDRED K just because he’s been banging her mother for the past few years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m surprised by all the responses against OP!

You all really think this man should fork over FOUR HUNDRED K just because he’s been banging her mother for the past few years?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m surprised by all the responses against OP!

You all really think this man should fork over FOUR HUNDRED K just because he’s been banging her mother for the past few years?

I’m the immigrant PP - no we’re against OP because she’s not letting her daughter decide what she wants to do. Her DH has nothing to do
With this and it’s the red herring here.

[Anonymous]

Why is all of this so hard for her to understand? Is she a dolt?

[Anonymous]

That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m surprised by all the responses against OP!

You all really think this man should fork over FOUR HUNDRED K just because he’s been banging her mother for the past few years?

I am bashing OP because my partner is not as wealthy as hers but we are NOT MARRIED because of this reason exactly!!! AND my partner is still planning on chipping in what he can

[Anonymous]

curious which private it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m surprised by all the responses against OP!

You all really think this man should fork over FOUR HUNDRED K just because he’s been banging her mother for the past few years?

I’m the immigrant PP - no we’re against OP because she’s not letting her daughter decide what she wants to do. Her DH has nothing to do
With this and it’s the red herring here.

Where are you getting this? She told DD she has X amount of money to give her, the rest is up to her. She advised UMD but isn’t making her go there.

[Anonymous]

If you keep finances separate -I assume you also file taxes separately - why not apply for financial aid based on your and the ex's income? The $$$ school might have a ton of need-based aid your daughter may qualify for.

No need to dash her dreams until all avenues have been explored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m surprised by all the responses against OP!

You all really think this man should fork over FOUR HUNDRED K just because he’s been banging her mother for the past few years?

No.

I think the mom and dad should pay 1/2. If the dad can’t pay the mom needs to get a J.O.B and pay 1/2. The daughter should get a loan for 25% and the new H should pay 25%.