How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you keep finances separate -I assume you also file taxes separately - why not apply for financial aid based on your and the ex's income? The $$$ school might have a ton of need-based aid your daughter may qualify for.

No need to dash her dreams until all avenues have been explored.

You don’t understand taxes nor do you understand FASFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

[Anonymous]

OP needs to set realistic expectations as to what she can contribute. OP's daughter can make choices based on that. She can also get a job and take some responsibility for her future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

You could divorce her step father.

I can't imagine marrying someone whose values were so awful that they wouldn't provide for a child living under their own roof.

He makes good money but that’s not the same as being wealthy and having the kind of money in hand to pay for a private college education. People save for years for that. This was OP and bio dad’s financial responsibility. And the daughter’s (she will need to take out loans).

Many of us were quite successful with public college educations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

Why is she so confident she can get in to these super competitive schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

You could divorce her step father.

I can't imagine marrying someone whose values were so awful that they wouldn't provide for a child living under their own roof.

Agree. It's shocking DH isn't in the loop and at least start convo about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

You could divorce her step father.

I can't imagine marrying someone whose values were so awful that they wouldn't provide for a child living under their own roof.

He makes good money but that’s not the same as being wealthy and having the kind of money in hand to pay for a private college education. People save for years for that. This was OP and bio dad’s financial responsibility. And the daughter’s (she will need to take out loans).

Many of us were quite successful with public college educations!

Do you know OP’s husband? Did he really make a donation re daughters college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this so hard for her to understand? Is she a dolt?

Because she’s a self absorbed brat who feels entitled to her step father’s money. Isn’t it obvious?

It’s funny because usually this board is allll about telling the OP that their parents don’t owe them a dime. Even when the family situations are blatant unfair with elderly parents favoring one bio kid over the other.

But now this man owes his STEP daughter 400k because he married her mother a few years ago? Does not compute.

[Anonymous]

It really does depend what you’re doing for her for school. I’d it’s “here’s $1000 enjoy your crippling loans while your stepfather and I vacation in Bali” then yeah she’s going to resent being the only person in the family expected to live the standard of living of a divorced single parent family...having lost the one financial benefit that she would have received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

Assuming you make $70K which is $40K after taxes.

You can contribute $30K/year. Your xH should pay $10K. Your daughter will need to pay $20K/year with grants and loans. You new H can contribute $10K.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this so hard for her to understand? Is she a dolt?

Because she’s a self absorbed brat who feels entitled to her step father’s money. Isn’t it obvious?

It’s funny because usually this board is allll about telling the OP that their parents don’t owe them a dime. Even when the family situations are blatant unfair with elderly parents favoring one bio kid over the other.

But now this man owes his STEP daughter 400k because he married her mother a few years ago? Does not compute.

She’s being denied FA because of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

[Anonymous]

I really feel for your DD. Not because of the $ specifically (she still has so much more than the average teen) but because it appears to me that she is out of place in BOTH new families. Imagine how that must feel. Both of her parents live rather luxurious lifestyles, yet there is not $ for college. That’s the bottom line as she sees it. She is a teenager.

In a perfect world- you and DH, and her father and his wife (all four of you) would sit down and discuss this together. If that is not possible, you should engineer this discussion via email etc. I’m sure you will think of a polite way to do so.

Surely each new “family” (yes FAMILY) should contribute a certain amount that they feel is reasonable, and DD should pay the rest (or choose a cheaper school). It may not be as much money as her step siblings get, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you keep finances separate -I assume you also file taxes separately - why not apply for financial aid based on your and the ex's income? The $$$ school might have a ton of need-based aid your daughter may qualify for.

No need to dash her dreams until all avenues have been explored.

You don’t understand taxes nor do you understand FASFA.

You're right; it's been decades since i completed a FAFSA.
What if OP gives primary custody to the ex? Would financial aid be based solely on his income?