How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

The difference here is that because it sounds like your parents did not have that much money, you probably qualify for grants and scholarships and loans. The daughter and the situation has been screwed over by the mothers remarriage. Most colleges particularly private colleges will factor in the stepfather’s assets. If he didn’t exist, she’d probably get a lot of aid. But now she has the worst of both worlds. He does exist, he does have a lot of money, which will screw her out of most colleges financial aid, but he’s not willing to pay for her college education.

I have thought about this a lot because I have a net worth around three million and I’m dating someone with two teenage daughters. My boyfriend is well educated but is not in a high-paying job. Same for their mother. Without me in the picture, they should qualify for a lot of aid. Well, at least some aid. I’m not willing to shell out $600,000 for their kids to go to college. So my feeling is I either need to not marry him until they are out of college, or help pay for their education if I screw over their financial aid prospects by being married to their dad.

This is what I’ve been able to glean from random googling about financial aid and stepparents, anyway. I think with state schools you can often get away with not putting the stepparent on the form, but with most private colleges, they are going to ask for the stepparents assets apparently especially if the stepparent lives in the household where the kid lives most of the time.

If anyone knows differently, please fill me in, because I would love to marry their father, and not have my assets count towards their financial aid forms. But they’re not my kids, I didn’t raise them, we have a good relationship but I doubt they will take care of me in my old age, etc., so I really need to save that $600,000 for my own retirement. But if that’s my feeling, I’m pretty sure my solution needs to be to not marry him at this point. Or at least until they apply to college and we figure out where they are going. If they go to state school, no big deal, I don’t mind throwing in 10,000 or so a year to help them graduate without loans or with minimal loans.

Are the posters on here going to beat up this woman because she says clearly that she is not going to give her SO’s daughters 600k???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can not believe people are giving the OP, a single mom with a dead beat ex, such a hard time about having saved 30k for in state UMD!!!

That’s so much more than just kids get!!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

Of course she is welcome to live here during the summer or school breaks. When did I say she wasn’t?? I’m not “washing my hands” I’m trying to get her to see that 30k is a good deal if the way towards paying for UMD.

You don’t think it’s entitled that she expects more?

University of Maryland is $28K a year including room and board.

It's not a good deal. If you weren't married, and she got into a full need school like Williams she'd pay far less than $28K a year, and be able to graduate debt free. Instead, you're setting her up to graduate from a school she likes less, with a ton of debt.

+1

Of COURSE she's resentful. Everyone else is doing just fine out of this situation, and she's financially WORSE off because you married a rich guy who won't chip in for her education. His assets are almost certainly going to factor in, but they aren't doing her any good -- in fact, they will reduce her amount of financial aid. She's not being treated remotely equally to her stepsiblings, and there's nothing she can do about it. She's going to have to go $90K+ into debt for a school she doesn't even want to go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

The difference here is that because it sounds like your parents did not have that much money, you probably qualify for grants and scholarships and loans. The daughter and the situation has been screwed over by the mothers remarriage. Most colleges particularly private colleges will factor in the stepfather’s assets. If he didn’t exist, she’d probably get a lot of aid. But now she has the worst of both worlds. He does exist, he does have a lot of money, which will screw her out of most colleges financial aid, but he’s not willing to pay for her college education.

I have thought about this a lot because I have a net worth around three million and I’m dating someone with two teenage daughters. My boyfriend is well educated but is not in a high-paying job. Same for their mother. Without me in the picture, they should qualify for a lot of aid. Well, at least some aid. I’m not willing to shell out $600,000 for their kids to go to college. So my feeling is I either need to not marry him until they are out of college, or help pay for their education if I screw over their financial aid prospects by being married to their dad.

This is what I’ve been able to glean from random googling about financial aid and stepparents, anyway. I think with state schools you can often get away with not putting the stepparent on the form, but with most private colleges, they are going to ask for the stepparents assets apparently especially if the stepparent lives in the household where the kid lives most of the time.

If anyone knows differently, please fill me in, because I would love to marry their father, and not have my assets count towards their financial aid forms. But they’re not my kids, I didn’t raise them, we have a good relationship but I doubt they will take care of me in my old age, etc., so I really need to save that $600,000 for my own retirement. But if that’s my feeling, I’m pretty sure my solution needs to be to not marry him at this point. Or at least until they apply to college and we figure out where they are going. If they go to state school, no big deal, I don’t mind throwing in 10,000 or so a year to help them graduate without loans or with minimal loans.

Are the posters on here going to beat up this woman because she says clearly that she is not going to give her SO’s daughters 600k???

No, because she's not marrying the guy, so her assets aren't going to count against them when they apply for financial aid.

[Anonymous]

Why not ask your DH to pay for the amount of aid that she would have been eligible for if he wasn’t in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Contact questbridge.org about College Match. they might give special consideration to DH finances as separate, and if you really earn very little, they might pay for college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

The difference here is that because it sounds like your parents did not have that much money, you probably qualify for grants and scholarships and loans. The daughter and the situation has been screwed over by the mothers remarriage. Most colleges particularly private colleges will factor in the stepfather’s assets. If he didn’t exist, she’d probably get a lot of aid. But now she has the worst of both worlds. He does exist, he does have a lot of money, which will screw her out of most colleges financial aid, but he’s not willing to pay for her college education.

I have thought about this a lot because I have a net worth around three million and I’m dating someone with two teenage daughters. My boyfriend is well educated but is not in a high-paying job. Same for their mother. Without me in the picture, they should qualify for a lot of aid. Well, at least some aid. I’m not willing to shell out $600,000 for their kids to go to college. So my feeling is I either need to not marry him until they are out of college, or help pay for their education if I screw over their financial aid prospects by being married to their dad.

This is what I’ve been able to glean from random googling about financial aid and stepparents, anyway. I think with state schools you can often get away with not putting the stepparent on the form, but with most private colleges, they are going to ask for the stepparents assets apparently especially if the stepparent lives in the household where the kid lives most of the time.

If anyone knows differently, please fill me in, because I would love to marry their father, and not have my assets count towards their financial aid forms. But they’re not my kids, I didn’t raise them, we have a good relationship but I doubt they will take care of me in my old age, etc., so I really need to save that $600,000 for my own retirement. But if that’s my feeling, I’m pretty sure my solution needs to be to not marry him at this point. Or at least until they apply to college and we figure out where they are going. If they go to state school, no big deal, I don’t mind throwing in 10,000 or so a year to help them graduate without loans or with minimal loans.

Are the posters on here going to beat up this woman because she says clearly that she is not going to give her SO’s daughters 600k???

No, because she's not married and, therefore, not screwing up her fiancé's kid's financial aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

She is 17 and plenty old enough to deal with the consequences of her actions. She can say whatever she wants to her step siblings and stepfather, and if she ruins her relationships with them, that's on her. If I were you I would tell her she is an embarrassment and doesn't even deserve the $30k you'd saved for college, and you'd be going to the step siblings and stepfather and apologizing for bringing such a spoiled brat into their family, that you're very ashamed and sorry and definitely do NOT agree with anything she's saying.

She can go have her temper tantrum and if she wants to go to Vassar, she can figure out how to pay all on her own. Maybe you use some of that $30 to take the other people in the family on a nice vacation, or fix up the house or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

She is jealous and better, she feels let down by you and by her father, and she feels like a second-class citizen in your home. I understand you don’t expect your new husband to pay for her college, but it’s hard to know what you can say to your daughter to make her not feel jealous and resentful. Maybe this requires a consultation with a therapist who specializes in adolescents.

+1

You want her to make nice with her wealthy stepfather and stepsiblings; it probably feels to her like you're taking their side against hers. That's hard to process for a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not ask your DH to pay for the amount of aid that she would have been eligible for if he wasn’t in the picture.

You could run net cost calculators on financial aid site with vs without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

She is 17 and plenty old enough to deal with the consequences of her actions. She can say whatever she wants to her step siblings and stepfather, and if she ruins her relationships with them, that's on her. If I were you I would tell her she is an embarrassment and doesn't even deserve the $30k you'd saved for college, and you'd be going to the step siblings and stepfather and apologizing for bringing such a spoiled brat into their family, that you're very ashamed and sorry and definitely do NOT agree with anything she's saying.

She can go have her temper tantrum and if she wants to go to Vassar, she can figure out how to pay all on her own. Maybe you use some of that $30 to take the other people in the family on a nice vacation, or fix up the house or something.

And then you can enjoy not having a relationship with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I do understand this is an awkward situation- she was a teen already when her parents remarried, and each parent is the lower earner in the new marriage (by far, it sounds like). However: family doesn’t stop just because a child goes grows up and goes to college. Are these stepparents going to want DD to treat them as full family members in the years to come? Do they want her to share her life with them? With her step siblings? When DD marries and has children, do they want to be called “grandma and grandpa” or “Grandma and Jim, and Grandpa and Liz”? Will her children be considered cousins to the stepsib’s kids? The marriage is new NOW but will hopefully be lasting. Is this situation as-is going to contribute toward peaceful family relations?

I can’t believe you haven’t already discussed this (college) with your husband, and that her dad has not discussed this with his wife already. This seems extremely odd to me.

Now, I’m not saying that the spouses should just be willing to cough up full college tuition for a stepchild. But surely each couple can come up with a reasonable amount to contribute?

You need to talk to your husband, and you need to talk to her father.

[Anonymous]

You need to get paper-divorced or find the money. Anything else and she will be entitled to her anger for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contact questbridge.org about College Match. they might give special consideration to DH finances as separate, and if you really earn very little, they might pay for college

Questbridge is not going to divert money from students who are genuinely low income to pay for this child's tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can not believe people are giving the OP, a single mom with a dead beat ex, such a hard time about having saved 30k for in state UMD!!!

That’s so much more than just kids get!!

+1

It’s because OP is no longer a single mom with a deadbeat ex. She is living a UMC lifestyle, her husband is living a UMC lifestyle, his children are living a UMC lifestyle and her daughter is going to have massive college debt of at least six figures no matter what...and her excuse to her daughter is “oh we keep the money separate about the kids!” Yeah great. You couldn’t have just cohabitated until she was in college and had secured the need based aid she *is* entitled to?