How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people get married to someone that wouldn’t want to give the same to her child as he does for his own? As a parent your number one responsibility is to your kids and anyone who loves you would make them their first priority as well. Shouldn’t he want the best for her just like he does for his own kids? If he doesn’t then I really think that says something about his love for you OP.

Agree. If you agree to marriage you agree to FULLY open up your finances as well as your heart, no matter how old the children involved are.

If you have no assets prior to marriage then your new spouse should be willing to spend the same amount on your child as they do their own. That includes college education, material things like cars, down payments for homes, other financial gifts etc. If they balk at this then it is obvious they are selfish and don't care what happens to your child nor you.

If your spouse has millions in the bank then your children (including adult children) should inherit the same amount from your estate as their biological children do. It's only fair.

That is dumb
There’s no way I would expect somebody who has been saving for their kids college-educated to say marry me and then all of a sudden have magically have that same amount of money to spend on my kid. That is crazy!
Are people made of money????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people get married to someone that wouldn’t want to give the same to her child as he does for his own? As a parent your number one responsibility is to your kids and anyone who loves you would make them their first priority as well. Shouldn’t he want the best for her just like he does for his own kids? If he doesn’t then I really think that says something about his love for you OP.

Agree. If you agree to marriage you agree to FULLY open up your finances as well as your heart, no matter how old the children involved are.

If you have no assets prior to marriage then your new spouse should be willing to spend the same amount on your child as they do their own. That includes college education, material things like cars, down payments for homes, other financial gifts etc. If they balk at this then it is obvious they are selfish and don't care what happens to your child nor you.

If your spouse has millions in the bank then your children (including adult children) should inherit the same amount from your estate as their biological children do. It's only fair.

Um, no. The stepfather should make OP's daughter whole on the college funding, because it was their marriage that directly impedes her from securing other sources of funding for her education. But a stepparent is under no obligation to treat his stepchildren the same as his biological children in terms of inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you’re still reading this, and I’m not reading 34 pages— have you thought about your daughter getting legally emancipated?

What would this do?

It would allow her daughter to apply for financial aid as an independent student, which would qualify her for need-based aid.

[Anonymous]

Single mom revisiting this thread to see if OP has responded. I am honestly repulsed by OP's lack of concern for her daughter. OP set herself up basically by becoming a whore/kept woman and screwed over her kid in the process. She could have made so many other, better choices (including cohabiting without marriage). OP I hope your daughter disowns you and finds people who truly care about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you’re still reading this, and I’m not reading 34 pages— have you thought about your daughter getting legally emancipated?

What would this do?

It would allow her daughter to apply for financial aid as an independent student, which would qualify her for need-based aid.

No, it wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

If I see this correctly:

1. You married up and are reaping the financial benefits
2. Your ex is financially reliable, but he married a professionally successful woman and your DD is not included in their "nuclear family" so sees no benefit there
3. You think your DD is entitled and bratty and should be concerned about her relationship with siblings to keep your life smooth.

I think she will take your 30K, spend it on whatever college she decides, then ditch you and her bio dad. As soon as she's fully independent, your relationship with her will be done. I don't think you'll mind all that much because you don't really care about her anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I see this correctly:

1. You married up and are reaping the financial benefits
2. Your ex is financially reliable, but he married a professionally successful woman and your DD is not included in their "nuclear family" so sees no benefit there
3. You think your DD is entitled and bratty and should be concerned about her relationship with siblings to keep your life smooth.

I think she will take your 30K, spend it on whatever college she decides, then ditch you and her bio dad. As soon as she's fully independent, your relationship with her will be done. I don't think you'll mind all that much because you don't really care about her anyway.

point 2 Financially "unreliable"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I see this correctly:

1. You married up and are reaping the financial benefits
2. Your ex is financially reliable, but he married a professionally successful woman and your DD is not included in their "nuclear family" so sees no benefit there
3. You think your DD is entitled and bratty and should be concerned about her relationship with siblings to keep your life smooth.

I think she will take your 30K, spend it on whatever college she decides, then ditch you and her bio dad. As soon as she's fully independent, your relationship with her will be done. I don't think you'll mind all that much because you don't really care about her anyway.

point 2 Financially "unreliable"

Ex is financially unreliable. DH's ex-wife is the professionally successful woman in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you’re still reading this, and I’m not reading 34 pages— have you thought about your daughter getting legally emancipated?

What would this do?

It would allow her daughter to apply for financial aid as an independent student, which would qualify her for need-based aid.

No, it wouldn’t.

According to studentaid.gov, it does:
https://studentaid.gov/help-center/answers/article/emancipated-minor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I see this correctly:

1. You married up and are reaping the financial benefits
2. Your ex is financially reliable, but he married a professionally successful woman and your DD is not included in their "nuclear family" so sees no benefit there
3. You think your DD is entitled and bratty and should be concerned about her relationship with siblings to keep your life smooth.

I think she will take your 30K, spend it on whatever college she decides, then ditch you and her bio dad. As soon as she's fully independent, your relationship with her will be done. I don't think you'll mind all that much because you don't really care about her anyway.

point 2 Financially "unreliable"

Ex is financially unreliable. DH's ex-wife is the professionally successful woman in this situation.

Got it-- OP said DH wife (not ex) so I thought it was her ex's wife. Here's what happens-- my parents didn't put me first when I was growing up. They put other people first. Now I'm almost middle aged and they are older. The people they put first are gone through death or divorce--and now they call, but I don't pick up. We all live in states where I won't be required to help them with any elder care costs. I'm not punishing them--I just am not emotionally attached to or feel responsible for people who did not take care of me when I needed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you’re still reading this, and I’m not reading 34 pages— have you thought about your daughter getting legally emancipated?

What would this do?

It would allow her daughter to apply for financial aid as an independent student, which would qualify her for need-based aid.

No, it wouldn’t.

According to studentaid.gov, it does:
https://studentaid.gov/help-center/answers/article/emancipated-minor

She would need to be 100% financially independent long enough before her 18th birthday to go through the process before she applies. So, maybe if she has a later birthday and already has a job OP could kick her out now? Realistically this isn’t an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

She said her kid can go to Maryland. I’m assuming that’s because they live in the DC area where Maryland is commutable. I caught 3 buses to get to college park daily so I could afford lunch and lived at home. Look.. Her daughter is not entitled to her husband’s money. She has two parents already and if she wants access to a wealthy man’s money well she needs to marry one like her mom did. She can have the conversation with her new husband but mostly to alert him and his daughters not to openly flaunt in front of Cinderella

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all of the people piling on OP about not thinking about researching college financial aid years in advance, I’m guessing that OP and her exDH may not have gone to college and didn’t realize how many years of saving and how tangled the financial aid process is. Should OP try to take a more active role in helping her DD find money for school? Of course, but it’s just as much the bio dad’s fault that OP’s daughter is in this predicament. He should not get off scot free here.

And if OP's post indicated that she was at all sorry that she put her DD in this situation, there might be less piling on. But basically, she screwed her DD to benefit herself, and wants her DD to shut the heck up about it. The way that DD is being treated in this family is terrible and she has every right to be p*ssed. I understand that OP is concerned that her DD is going to wreck her relationships with these people but it is not at all clear to me why DD should care about that at all.

Exactly this. Those people have made it clear that she isn’t family to them and don’t do anything for her. Pointless for her to even be friends with them. At least OPs DD has common sense.

[Anonymous]

OP hasn’t even ASKED her husband if he will help fund college. She just assumes he won’t because he hasn’t offered.

[Anonymous]

Did op ever come back?