How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did op ever come back?

Don’t think so. Looks like everyone is just arguing amongst themselves.

Let this be a lesson though: If you’re rich and you have biological children and your new spouse is poor and has a young child and you all live under the same roof, please treat your stepchild the same as your biological children. This should absolutely be part of the deal when getting re-married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I see this correctly:

1. You married up and are reaping the financial benefits
2. Your ex is financially reliable, but he married a professionally successful woman and your DD is not included in their "nuclear family" so sees no benefit there
3. You think your DD is entitled and bratty and should be concerned about her relationship with siblings to keep your life smooth.

I think she will take your 30K, spend it on whatever college she decides, then ditch you and her bio dad. As soon as she's fully independent, your relationship with her will be done. I don't think you'll mind all that much because you don't really care about her anyway.

+1,000

When you guys take vacations, does your daughter fly coach while everyone else flies first class? Does she stay at the Holiday Inn while everyone else is at the Ritz? She is a second class citizen in the only family she has, and you, as her mother, are okay with that because leaving her there allows you to move up to first class. If she rocks the boat, it’s your status that changes, not hers. Good for her for telling her step-sisters they only got in to college for XYZ reason. She’s technically right, and she’s going to resent and hate them anyway, so it doesn’t change anything for her, just you. Trade in your daughters happiness for the good life if you want, but at least own up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

That was obviously hurtful for her to say but oh my gosh OP, your daughter is hurting, too! She said those things (which, by the way, may all be true) because she is hurt by her parent's divorce and your new marriage. You need to be more sympathetic to her. You married this guy because YOU wanted to. Have some sympathy for your poor daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

Your daughter was what, 11 or 12 when you married this guy? She's the youngest so she had to have been the tween. The fact that he doesn't feel like a father to her and that you have kept your marriage with him separate from your daughter is honestly heartbreaking. She was a freaking kid when you got married for crying out loud. You sound really selfish.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the most pathetic person. Enjoy your comfortable lifestyle at the expense of your child. Teaching her to smile as she eats a shit sandwich is just beyond.

[Anonymous]

DD should just suck it up and be grateful for the scraps thrown her way.
😡 poor kid...no one gives a shit about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We put parameters on the types of schools DH and I will pay for our kids to go to for college. If stepDH pays for DD’s college, will he get to have a say in where she goes, or does everyone who thinks he should pay think he should just write the check and stay quiet?

Why are you so controlling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We put parameters on the types of schools DH and I will pay for our kids to go to for college. If stepDH pays for DD’s college, will he get to have a say in where she goes, or does everyone who thinks he should pay think he should just write the check and stay quiet?

Why are you so controlling?

Because we will not pay top dollar for our children to attend no-name, expensive private schools. In our opinion, it would be a better use of money to go to a well-regarded state school. We will also not pay for any schools along the lines of Liberty U, Bob Jones U, etc.

Do you just give your kids a blank check when it comes to college?

[Anonymous]

Op never explained where HER salary goes, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are the most pathetic person. Enjoy your comfortable lifestyle at the expense of your child. Teaching her to smile as she eats a shit sandwich is just beyond.

This is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand her. I desperately wanted to attend a private my parents could not afford. And I packed up my car and went. Signed away billion student loans that my parents paid few years later smugly.

Ask your husband. If you can marry this man, till death do you part, why can't you have this honest conversation? It's very odd. Just stop being weird and do it. If he says no, he says no. But for goodness sake, ask him. I did public and private college - private was a world better. Too much to write. If he says no, tell your daughter he won't do it because some excuse. His money tied up with his kids things.

+1000. Have the conversation. Maybe he says yes, maybe he says no, but he needs to understand the situation. Maybe there is a middle ground? I'm not saying he should pay, but I find it very strange that as a loving husband he wouldn't be concerned about how hard and stressful this is for you. If that is the case, and he can truly afford to help out a little, he frankly sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

Your daughter was what, 11 or 12 when you married this guy? She's the youngest so she had to have been the tween. The fact that he doesn't feel like a father to her and that you have kept your marriage with him separate from your daughter is honestly heartbreaking. She was a freaking kid when you got married for crying out loud. You sound really selfish.

I kind of agree with this. It sounds like it was a marriage to keep mom comfortable.....

[Anonymous]

Bump….dying to know how OP’s DD is handling this awful situation.

[Anonymous]

Are you a family or not? If you and your DH raise your children separately, what is the concern that she's pushing them away? If in fact you do try to be a unified family then you need to have the hard convo with your DH. Maybe it's that you put all of your money into her education at the expense of building your savings. She can still take loans with the idea that you'll help her pay them back, thus spreading out your ability to pay for her schooling far beyond the actual "tuition paying" years. But can you count on your DH to provide financial help to you in retirement? That's a consideration. You need to talk to him - not wit the idea that he'd pay for her school - but about how you paying for her school affects your long-term plans as a couple.

That said, a lot of the emotional damage is already done. Someday she will be mature enough to understand the dual family division, but right now she's just not there and she's hurting from the injustice she perceives. Right or wrong, it's how she feels.

[Anonymous]

Still can't believe that mom wants DD to temper her comments to potentially "push away" stepsibs who, for all she's stated about this marriage, aren't really stepsiblings at all. Give DD the 30K but she will need it for therapy.