How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

[Anonymous]

So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

[Anonymous]

Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

[Anonymous]

How much is X?

How much is the private school?

How much is your xH paying?

So you work and pay no bills? Or you don’t work?

Not enough information to determine if you are the selfish one or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

No she can’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

Being on her parents taxes has nothing to do with financial aid.

I can not imagine expecting my child to sacrifice this much, and then telling her it's because she's not part of the nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is X?

How much is the private school?

How much is your xH paying?

So you work and pay no bills? Or you don’t work?

Not enough information to determine if you are the selfish one or not.

She's one of the selfish ones.

[Anonymous]

If you hadn't married him then she would get aid to go to these schools, but still would not have the latest Phones, cars, trips, etc that you speak of. She would then get to the school and envy the other students who did have these "privileges".

You can try to help her see that both of your lives could be a lot worse if you have not married. I assume that you are living in a more stable house hold and do not have the stress of needing to worry about where the rent/mortgage payment would come from.

[Anonymous]

Your DD will have a maturing experience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

You have to be 24, married, have a dependent, a ward of the court, or in the military to be considered independent for FAFSA.

[Anonymous]

Of course she understands. She's not an idiot. She just doesn't want it to be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

[Anonymous]

We all survive these things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

You could divorce her step father.

I can't imagine marrying someone whose values were so awful that they wouldn't provide for a child living under their own roof.