How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

How have you only saved 30k while the rest of your major expenses have been covered for the past 5+ years? Even if you were struggling before you moved in with your now husband, that's a good chunk of time where you could have been putting the equivalent of rent (that you no longer had to pay) into her 529. Say, 1500/month - you'd have 90k saved in 5 years. Where did all of your money go once you moved in with the new husband?

I know some PPs are saying that's more than many will get, but it's really not much given the circumstances. What's the plan if she goes to UMD? because 30k isn't paying for 4 years of school.

[Anonymous]

5. Also what is she doing to earn merit money for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for your DD. Not because of the $ specifically (she still has so much more than the average teen) but because it appears to me that she is out of place in BOTH new families. Imagine how that must feel. Both of her parents live rather luxurious lifestyles, yet there is not $ for college. That’s the bottom line as she sees it. She is a teenager.

In a perfect world- you and DH, and her father and his wife (all four of you) would sit down and discuss this together. If that is not possible, you should engineer this discussion via email etc. I’m sure you will think of a polite way to do so.

Surely each new “family” (yes FAMILY) should contribute a certain amount that they feel is reasonable, and DD should pay the rest (or choose a cheaper school). It may not be as much money as her step siblings get, no.

This. The post says that OP’s husband - who she lives with - is not her family. It also says that she isn’t part of her father’s new family. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I was in a situation similar to your daughter’s. My mom remarried my first semester of college and I lost all my financial aid. My stepdad stated that he was marrying my mom, not us, and did not pay for anything. I got through financially because my grandmother passed and gave me money for college.

I saw, and still see my mom as a whore.

I’m now married with three kids and have already paid their college before they start elementary school (I understand not everyone can do that). I’m a multimillionaire. Although my mom and her husband have a good pension, they have very little in savings. The pension will be reduced greatly when stepdad passes and my mom will need support. I absolutely will not financially assist a whore.

I imagine your daughter will see you this way. When someone marries you, if they aren’t including your kids in their family, you’re a whore. Worse than a whore - you’re a whore who sells out your own daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How have you only saved 30k while the rest of your major expenses have been covered for the past 5+ years? Even if you were struggling before you moved in with your now husband, that's a good chunk of time where you could have been putting the equivalent of rent (that you no longer had to pay) into her 529. Say, 1500/month - you'd have 90k saved in 5 years. Where did all of your money go once you moved in with the new husband?

I know some PPs are saying that's more than many will get, but it's really not much given the circumstances. What's the plan if she goes to UMD? because 30k isn't paying for 4 years of school.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can just see OP's DH paying to take OP and his own kids on an expensive vacation, but not OP's daughter, because she is not part of his family.

And then in a few years, the kids might want to get married, and then OP's DH will help them have their dream weddings, while OP will offer her DD $1000 and wish her luck.

OP, it is not "just happenstance that we know these people." They are part of your community and part of your family, but you've made it clear that they are not part of your DD's community or part of her family.

I feel for OP's daughter, because the lack of financial support for college is just one early example of her not being a part of ANY nuclear family any more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

I think I'm the OP you referenced and there is some good advice in here. I particularly like the idea of two years of CC.

Reading this made me think though, OP what problem are you asking us to help you solve? Do you really want help finding a way to get your daughter more funding for college? Or are you satisfied with your 30K contributions plus her loans and are more focused on her discontentment and actions toward DH's kids? It is two different but related problems you have, but they require two different kinds of advice...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5. Also what is she doing to earn merit money for school.

There’s no such thing. Not in any amount that will make a difference and not for kids like OP’s daughter.

[Anonymous]

Considering that your husband's assets do impact your child's financial aid, I would have a real conversation with him and ask if he would pay. He might say no, but personally, I would want to do everything I could to help my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

I think I'm the OP you referenced and there is some good advice in here. I particularly like the idea of two years of CC.

Reading this made me think though, OP what problem are you asking us to help you solve? Do you really want help finding a way to get your daughter more funding for college? Or are you satisfied with your 30K contributions plus her loans and are more focused on her discontentment and actions toward DH's kids? It is two different but related problems you have, but they require two different kinds of advice...

That is terrible to send DD to a community college. She isn't part of this family. Its really sad. My mom is like OP. She found a new boyfriend and his kids and grandkids are the priority. Mine have little interest in her so the few times a year she wants to see them they find every excuse not to as they can see right through her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

I think I'm the OP you referenced and there is some good advice in here. I particularly like the idea of two years of CC.

Reading this made me think though, OP what problem are you asking us to help you solve? Do you really want help finding a way to get your daughter more funding for college? Or are you satisfied with your 30K contributions plus her loans and are more focused on her discontentment and actions toward DH's kids? It is two different but related problems you have, but they require two different kinds of advice...

You guys are very sweet, truly. You are missing the problem that OP wants solved and has repeatedly said: how to get her daughter to stop lashing out at step family (and stop embarrassing OP in front of the new family) and stop expressing overt hurt by this decision. Parentheticals are mine but a fair reading. OP has said nothing that makes me thinks this post is about solving a $/college problem but how to get her DD to stop “complaining.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

I think I'm the OP you referenced and there is some good advice in here. I particularly like the idea of two years of CC.

Reading this made me think though, OP what problem are you asking us to help you solve? Do you really want help finding a way to get your daughter more funding for college? Or are you satisfied with your 30K contributions plus her loans and are more focused on her discontentment and actions toward DH's kids? It is two different but related problems you have, but they require two different kinds of advice...

That is terrible to send DD to a community college. She isn't part of this family. Its really sad. My mom is like OP. She found a new boyfriend and his kids and grandkids are the priority. Mine have little interest in her so the few times a year she wants to see them they find every excuse not to as they can see right through her.

I’m the PP who made that suggestion— I am not/was not saying any of those are *the* solution, but if OP could come up with $150,000 during the next three years ($120,000 really with what she has) then her daughter could graduate from a dream school debt free— just like her step siblings— which would be a much better final outcome than either of the two the OP is currently proposing.

[Anonymous]

I'm not paying for my new gf's kid's college. Ask me to and I'll dump her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not paying for my new gf's kid's college. Ask me to and I'll dump her.

She can do MUCH better than your selfish a$$.