Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Probably part of the reason he is struggling is that he feels like a disappointment to you. If you back off he will likely eventually get back on track.

I think this is fixable. Look for the good in him. If you look hard enough you will find it.

[Anonymous]

I would get a divorce immediately. My biggest regrets in this order: 1) marrying the wrong person and 2) waiting too long divorce. I waited way too long. She is 2. She will not remember you together. Get in done sooner rather than later. You're welcome.

One caveat: Do not plan on remarrying. It may or may not happen. Divorce if you can't remain married to this spouse. It should not be for any other reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please do him a huge favor and divorce him

I have actually said to him "I don't think I can be a good wife to you because I don't respect you" but he says he does NOT want a divorce. He thinks I should lower my expectations.

They never want to divorce. Eyeroll. I would get out. He is not he kind of partner you want to be with and that is enough to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might be in the minority, but I think if you’re unhappy and think you can find/create a better life for yourself and your kid after divorcing this guy then, do it. If this is where you are now, you’ll eventually get divorced or cheat on him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

First you need to do therapy to understand why you chose him. And you did choose him, you didn't get suckered. If you don't do that, you risk making the wrong choice again. Speaking from experience here as someone who subconsciously avoided people who were good partners and ran after people who were unavailable until I did group therapy for adult children of alcoholics. Own your choice and figure out why you made it. Then move forward. Good luck with this. I know it's painful.

There are marriages in which people do a bait and switch. And these things can't be predicted. Count yourself lucky if you were not in this situation. It does not take therapy to figure this out if this is really the case. Also, even if it wasn't, people normally can figure out in hindsight why they made the choice they did and they don't "need therapy" to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re contemptuous of him and do not appreciate whatever good qualities he has. He must have some, if he’s such a good father. Cut him loose so he can find someone who won’t scorn him because of his lack of professional success.

You sound really shallow to me, but it’s completely your right to value whatever you value, even if I personally think it’s shallow. Just recognize that you two aren’t a good match. It’s not because he’s defective, or even because you are defective, but you really care about things that he doesn’t really care about, so the outlook isn’t good.

I don't think he is defective as a human but I don't respect him enough to be his wife, is how I feel right now.

Then you need a divorce. This does not improve. Don't waste a decade listening to this people who say "keep trying"--that is how I wasted so much time. Don't be me. If you feel this way, get out. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

I agree. I got divorced, and it wasn't a bed of roses out there. I hate steps and exes for the record. OP's child will probably feel the same then resent the new kids taking their parents attention away. It really sucks. Wait till the holidays come OP.

I'm divorced. Holidays are not a problem for me. Yes, I have kids. Not everyone feels that missing a holiday here in there is worth giving up for your life in a unfulfilling marriage. You can have the shared holidays. I'll take my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes feel like I don’t respect my husband, but I think I would be annoyed by something about anyone I married. There are things that annoy me with all my friends’ husbands, which reminds me that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Having couple friends really eliminates these feelings for me. None of my friends’ husbands make me think “wow, they sure knew how to choose.” They are all nice guys but at the end of the day no better than DH. We know a couple where the husband started a billion-dollar company. I would not have picked him as a partner in a million years. He is a great guy but not someone I would have ever picked out or been attracted to.

[Anonymous]

That’s great he’s capable around the house and with parenting. That’s definitely not the majority if married or divorced men; those get dumped once the kids graduate.

He’d make an easy coparent in a 50/50 situation.

But only divorce if you’d be better off single. A future partner who has it together would be the icing on the cake. Meanwhile enjoy your time with your daughter, friends, work, family, sports, and later, eating.

[Anonymous]

You can divorce, but I don't think your next marriage will be successful because you sound like a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m
Laughing at the PP who thinks buying someone a Fitbit and making a gentle comment about weight is going to spur someone to lose weight. The person has to really want to do it.

No sh1t. But that was the impetus to get him moving for him. It was an example. Sorry your spouse is a jerk to you, or that you have no discipline.

That’s like my spouse who buys a Self Help book on Amazon and pats himself on the back, yet never cracks the spine.

Do the work, yo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s great he’s capable around the house and with parenting. That’s definitely not the majority if married or divorced men; those get dumped once the kids graduate.

He’d make an easy coparent in a 50/50 situation.

But only divorce if you’d be better off single. A future partner who has it together would be the icing on the cake. Meanwhile enjoy your time with your daughter, friends, work, family, sports, and later, eating.

Not sure what that would look like if he can't pay any child support, and OP has to support him. That would make me even more miserable.

Just open indeed, ziprecruiter, find new job. Cook healthy meals. Ride bikes. This really seems not difficult.

[Anonymous]

So you basically just had a child with the guy, but now have so little respect for him that you want to leave him? Was his weight, lack of job ambition, etc. not an issue a couple years ago?

You should look into psychological help. Don't listen to the loser who has posted a bunch of responses here urging you to just get a divorce and not worry about your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Op, try giving a lot of blowjobs and see if you feel better. The answer to this question is only you have.

Does your husband sexually satisfies you?