Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

What? She should stay in an unhappy marriage because she has a two-year-old. LOL, dumber than dumb.

OP get out of your marriage. You will never be happy. Which means your child can not be happy. Move on. Why are you asking rando's on the internet? Given you claim to be such a catch and your husband isn't?

[Anonymous]

Fix it, especially if you want more kids. Sound alike your dh is a great candidate for a stay at home dad, or can downshift his career to be the primary parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you basically just had a child with the guy, but now have so little respect for him that you want to leave him? Was his weight, lack of job ambition, etc. not an issue a couple years ago?

You should look into psychological help. Don't listen to the loser who has posted a bunch of responses here urging you to just get a divorce and not worry about your daughter.

If she feels contempt, this will not change. Staying in this situation will make it worse later—for everyone, including the kid.

[Anonymous]

I think OP's husband would be better off without OP. Ditch the shallow wench, get in shape, and find a better companion that won't wind up being a bitter old hag regardless of how much money her partner makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

What? She should stay in an unhappy marriage because she has a two-year-old. LOL, dumber than dumb.

OP get out of your marriage. You will never be happy. Which means your child can not be happy. Move on. Why are you asking rando's on the internet? Given you claim to be such a catch and your husband isn't?

+1

[Anonymous]

Np here. If OP were a guy, people would be freaking out that he wanted to leave his wife for being overweight and not successful enough but otherwise a great mom. Just putting that out there.

OP, you have to decide what’s right for you. I think what seems kind of off about your post is that you seem to be basing your decision entirely on whether you’d be able to find another husband. As many have mentioned, the decision to divorce should be about whether or not you want to be in your marriage, not whether or not you can trade up.

That said, if you resent your husband, there are issues in your marriage. If you don’t think you can move past those issues, perhaps divorce is appropriate.

I will say that karma can be harsh. If your sole reason for divorcing him is his weight and job and feeling as if your looks and job entitle you to someone “better,” understand that things can change. He could lose weight, fall into a better job and remarry, and you could end up meeting someone who then breaks up with you for someone else. Karma is tricky like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

[Anonymous]

It's not shallow to be tired of a spouse who complains all the time and won't take any initiative to improve his life. That is incredibly unattractive.

[Anonymous]

You are old and used , prepare to date 68 years old man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you basically just had a child with the guy, but now have so little respect for him that you want to leave him? Was his weight, lack of job ambition, etc. not an issue a couple years ago?

You should look into psychological help. Don't listen to the loser who has posted a bunch of responses here urging you to just get a divorce and not worry about your daughter.

If she feels contempt, this will not change. Staying in this situation will make it worse later—for everyone, including the kid.

Nonsense. You can absolutely change even if you feel contempt. She will never have a successful relationship until she understands this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. If OP were a guy, people would be freaking out that he wanted to leave his wife for being overweight and not successful enough but otherwise a great mom. Just putting that out there.

OP, you have to decide what’s right for you. I think what seems kind of off about your post is that you seem to be basing your decision entirely on whether you’d be able to find another husband. As many have mentioned, the decision to divorce should be about whether or not you want to be in your marriage, not whether or not you can trade up.

That said, if you resent your husband, there are issues in your marriage. If you don’t think you can move past those issues, perhaps divorce is appropriate.

I will say that karma can be harsh. If your sole reason for divorcing him is his weight and job and feeling as if your looks and job entitle you to someone “better,” understand that things can change. He could lose weight, fall into a better job and remarry, and you could end up meeting someone who then breaks up with you for someone else. Karma is tricky like that.

That's why I said she should fix it, especially if they have a two year old. She is already 37, they are already bound together for life with the 2 year old. If she wants more kids, she doesn't have much time.

He sounds like an excellent choice to be primary parent while she goes out and makes money. If OP divorces him, I guarantee he will lose weight, shape up, and be married before she even finds a decent guy to date under the age of 60. So many middle aged single women out there.
~a middle aged married woman with lots of single middle aged friends.

[Anonymous]

Op, are these posts from you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/883858.page#17262876

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/857023.page

If they are, just divorce him. You don’t love him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get rid of the hatred and contempt. This would eat you inside and your hubby would have no idea.
Also, to me, it looks like you have self-esteem issues that you think he should be doing all that along with working while you are here to judge.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you been treated for depression? It sounds like you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married the wrong person. I just do not respect my husband. I find him incompetent and underachieving. I have learned over our 7 years of marriage that he is all talk and no action, the type to make excuses instead of take action. However, he is a good father to our young daughter.

I am 37. I am fit, attractive, and I have a good job.

Would it be a terrible mistake to divorce? Would it be possible for me to remarry someone I could respect or did that ship realistically sail?

I suppose my choices are just make peace with my husband or take my chances in a divorce. My goals are to have a happy marriage with mutual love and respect and to model that to my daughter.

WWYD?

I find it interesting you compared your income GROWTH to his income GROWTH.

Who makes more? Are you the breadwinner now, by how much? Real numbers also will tell us how devastating a divorce will be financially.