Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire more help to the next few weeks until she moves. Call BIL and tell him his share of the cost.

+1 order take out, use a cleaning device and groceries delivered etc. just throw money at this and use her account for it because your family is caring for her).

Be careful doing that. My parents did that and after my grandmother died creditors sue my parents for the money.

[Anonymous]

After my dad could not longer care for my mom, we found a memory care home with a maximum of 8 residents. It was good for everyone. Please note you can negotiate the price. We were able to get a rate that was $40/day less by negotiating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my dad could not longer care for my mom, we found a memory care home with a maximum of 8 residents. It was good for everyone. Please note you can negotiate the price. We were able to get a rate that was $40/day less by negotiating.

This is a very good point. My brother did the negotiating on behalf of my parents. In one case, they told him they were not able to negotiate on the monthly price, but were able to waive some of the "one time" fees (which ended up amounting to over $10,000!)

[Anonymous]

I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.

NP here. What’s your point? I see this response all the time. Ok, so they’re not obligated to do so, but they should. So give me a break with the theory to that it’s perfectly fine to stand by and refuse to help your siblings take care of your parents. The siblings ask for help, no you’re not obligated but so what? I do t get why this snarky retort is helpful.

If someone needs help for anything, you ask. In this case it’s for help with elder care. Get off your high horse that “you’re not obligated to do so”. How about you consider that it is the right thing to do in many circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.

NP here. What’s your point? I see this response all the time. Ok, so they’re not obligated to do so, but they should. So give me a break with the theory to that it’s perfectly fine to stand by and refuse to help your siblings take care of your parents. The siblings ask for help, no you’re not obligated but so what? I do t get why this snarky retort is helpful.

If someone needs help for anything, you ask. In this case it’s for help with elder care. Get off your high horse that “you’re not obligated to do so”. How about you consider that it is the right thing to do in many circumstances.

If the non-helping sibling was the one consulting DCUM I think (absent extenuating circumstances) most posters would encourage them to do so. However when the OP is the overworked sibling (or their spouse) postulating about what their sibling could or should be doing is not really helpful or relevant. You can’t obligate an adult to care for their grown parents so all the posts advising such posters to demand the sibling step up are pretty useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.

NP here. What’s your point? I see this response all the time. Ok, so they’re not obligated to do so, but they should. So give me a break with the theory to that it’s perfectly fine to stand by and refuse to help your siblings take care of your parents. The siblings ask for help, no you’re not obligated but so what? I do t get why this snarky retort is helpful.

If someone needs help for anything, you ask. In this case it’s for help with elder care. Get off your high horse that “you’re not obligated to do so”. How about you consider that it is the right thing to do in many circumstances.

I'm the pp you quoted. I wasn't being snarky or on a "high horse."
It's a fact. OP (or anyone in a similar position) can't demand that the siblings help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.

NP here. What’s your point? I see this response all the time. Ok, so they’re not obligated to do so, but they should. So give me a break with the theory to that it’s perfectly fine to stand by and refuse to help your siblings take care of your parents. The siblings ask for help, no you’re not obligated but so what? I do t get why this snarky retort is helpful.

If someone needs help for anything, you ask. In this case it’s for help with elder care. Get off your high horse that “you’re not obligated to do so”. How about you consider that it is the right thing to do in many circumstances.

If the non-helping sibling was the one consulting DCUM I think (absent extenuating circumstances) most posters would encourage them to do so. However when the OP is the overworked sibling (or their spouse) postulating about what their sibling could or should be doing is not really helpful or relevant. You can’t obligate an adult to care for their grown parents so all the posts advising such posters to demand the sibling step up are pretty useless.

I have read the entire thread and I don’t recall any poster advising the OP to demand anything. So don’t project. Why is it bad advice to suggest the OP be straightforward with the BIL and say “BIL, hey, I need some help. Are you able to come and do x, y, and z?”

Maybe BIL will say F you and hang up. Maybe the BIL will say “yeah, sure, what date?” Maybe BIL will respond somewhere in between. We don’t know.

There is only one way to find out. So I say ask him. Be specific, polite and direct. See what happens. Some people are very willing to help, they just need to be asked, for anything in life. You’d be surprised.

But having this negative, and shaming attitude that “too bad for you, don’t ask for anything” is ridiculous. Why?! That’s just dumb. Ask him. See what he says. Go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.

NP here. What’s your point? I see this response all the time. Ok, so they’re not obligated to do so, but they should. So give me a break with the theory to that it’s perfectly fine to stand by and refuse to help your siblings take care of your parents. The siblings ask for help, no you’re not obligated but so what? I do t get why this snarky retort is helpful.

If someone needs help for anything, you ask. In this case it’s for help with elder care. Get off your high horse that “you’re not obligated to do so”. How about you consider that it is the right thing to do in many circumstances.

If the non-helping sibling was the one consulting DCUM I think (absent extenuating circumstances) most posters would encourage them to do so. However when the OP is the overworked sibling (or their spouse) postulating about what their sibling could or should be doing is not really helpful or relevant. You can’t obligate an adult to care for their grown parents so all the posts advising such posters to demand the sibling step up are pretty useless.

I have read the entire thread and I don’t recall any poster advising the OP to demand anything. So don’t project. Why is it bad advice to suggest the OP be straightforward with the BIL and say “BIL, hey, I need some help. Are you able to come and do x, y, and z?”

Maybe BIL will say F you and hang up. Maybe the BIL will say “yeah, sure, what date?” Maybe BIL will respond somewhere in between. We don’t know.

There is only one way to find out. So I say ask him. Be specific, polite and direct. See what happens. Some people are very willing to help, they just need to be asked, for anything in life. You’d be surprised.

But having this negative, and shaming attitude that “too bad for you, don’t ask for anything” is ridiculous. Why?! That’s just dumb. Ask him. See what he says. Go from there.

I’m the PP caring for my mom. I didn’t demand they help - but I was honest and direct that I needed a break. And they were willing to assist.
Correct - “demanding” won’t usually help. But being direct and honest might. Better than trying to hint you need help, or assume the non-local sibling really knows that you need help but isn’t willing. So ask. If the answer is no, then at least you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

+1 That ^PP is an idiot.

"they have hobbies"? Yea, that takes precedence of taking care of your elderly mother, and letting your sibling with young kids and a demanding job take that burden.

Nobody with any ounce of compassion and sympathy would think OP would be "happy" to have an elderly MIL living with her and her kids.

wtf is wrong with people.

I would be very surprised if there has been zero word or thought given to the idea that the MIL would help watch the kids. I would also be very surprised if this were acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

You can ask, but prepared for them to decline and move forward accordingly. It is the rare case where they actually come out and help much, but it sounds like from posts here it actually happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her.
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.

NP here. What’s your point? I see this response all the time. Ok, so they’re not obligated to do so, but they should. So give me a break with the theory to that it’s perfectly fine to stand by and refuse to help your siblings take care of your parents. The siblings ask for help, no you’re not obligated but so what? I do t get why this snarky retort is helpful.

If someone needs help for anything, you ask. In this case it’s for help with elder care. Get off your high horse that “you’re not obligated to do so”. How about you consider that it is the right thing to do in many circumstances.

If the non-helping sibling was the one consulting DCUM I think (absent extenuating circumstances) most posters would encourage them to do so. However when the OP is the overworked sibling (or their spouse) postulating about what their sibling could or should be doing is not really helpful or relevant. You can’t obligate an adult to care for their grown parents so all the posts advising such posters to demand the sibling step up are pretty useless.

I have read the entire thread and I don’t recall any poster advising the OP to demand anything. So don’t project. Why is it bad advice to suggest the OP be straightforward with the BIL and say “BIL, hey, I need some help. Are you able to come and do x, y, and z?”

Maybe BIL will say F you and hang up. Maybe the BIL will say “yeah, sure, what date?” Maybe BIL will respond somewhere in between. We don’t know.

There is only one way to find out. So I say ask him. Be specific, polite and direct. See what happens. Some people are very willing to help, they just need to be asked, for anything in life. You’d be surprised.

But having this negative, and shaming attitude that “too bad for you, don’t ask for anything” is ridiculous. Why?! That’s just dumb. Ask him. See what he says. Go from there.

Well we could start with the initial post by OP wanting her DH to “tell his brother that he needs to come out quarterly to help ”. Followed by a post just a few down suggesting OP hires help and “tells” BIL his share of the cost...several other examples as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- to get conversation back on track- money is ok. She was a teacher so middle class had savings and has enough for assisted living- as mentioned, we thought she was in good health dec 1 when we brought her to stay with us— just all her rides and activities ended with covid isolating her. We had no idea how bad she was and maybe a year isolated with covid led to downfall?.
Point is we had plan to move her into senior living near us- it was wonderful complex with lots of activities— under construction ready in May— this “in between” period has been eye opener and now we are figuring Out daily this situation.
BIL is good guy - no abuse - nothing weird- he and his wife just retired and are building house 2 states away. I don’t think my husband has put down his foot to say ( or maybe he doesn’t agree) that they need to come stay in hotel every other month and help us. They call her daily and they physically moved her stuff up her but then went back to their life. I feel like they are retired and should help more. They are posting pics skiing with their kids- going on walks, enjoying life and I’m about to get divorced and lose my marbles! It’s really like having an adult special needs child - and we had no idea how to handle. We take her to doc for something every few weeks- she doesn’t eat or bath- she has gotten very difficult- we weren’t prepared for this -I’m just mad they don’t come here and physically help us. It makes me resent my husband. I feel horrible about that.

You need to level with your husband and he needs to level with his brother - brother can say no but at least you will know where he stands on the issue. As it is now you resent your husband and his brother because neither you or your husband are being open and honest.

[Anonymous]

OP - how is your situation now?

I am in a very similar situation with my FIL. I'm so angry at my DH and resent having to be FIL's companion and caretaker.