Reply to Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I do a lot for my mom. She lived near most of my family out west, but the altitude was causing her to nosed oxygen. So she moved near me and I am the only local family. It’s a lot to take on. I have teenage kids to, and I know my husband sometimes resents how much time I have to spend with her. 
She had a health crisis a few months ago, and that’s when I told my family I needed them to come out and help me. So during the crisis, each of my 3 siblings came out for 5 to 7 days to help. It was nice to have a three week break. And by the time the last one left, she was back to living independently.
I know this scenario is slightly different, but your husband needs to tell his brother he needs help and needs a break. Beating around the bush won’t get the message across. He needs to be direct and say his family needs a break from caring for their mom.[/quote]

It's nice that your siblings did that, but they were absolutely not under any obligation to do so.   [/quote]

NP here. What’s your point? I see this response all the time. Ok, so they’re not obligated to do so, but they should. So give me a break with the theory to that it’s perfectly fine to stand by and refuse to help your siblings take care of your parents. The siblings ask for help, no you’re not obligated but so what?  I do t get why this snarky retort is helpful.

If someone needs help for anything, you ask.  In this case it’s for help with elder care. Get off your high horse that “you’re not obligated to do so”. How about you consider that it is the right thing to do in many circumstances. [/quote]

If the non-helping sibling was the one consulting DCUM I think (absent extenuating circumstances) most posters would  encourage them to do so. However when the OP is the overworked sibling (or their spouse) postulating about what their sibling could or should be doing is not really helpful or relevant. You can’t obligate an adult to care for their grown parents so all the posts advising such posters to demand the sibling step up are pretty useless.[/quote]

I have read the entire thread and I don’t recall any poster advising the OP to demand anything. So don’t project. Why is it bad advice to suggest the OP be straightforward with the BIL and say “BIL, hey, I need some help.  Are you able to come and do x, y, and z?”

Maybe BIL will say F you and hang up. Maybe the BIL will say “yeah, sure, what date?”  Maybe BIL will respond somewhere in between. We don’t know.

There is only one way to find out. So I say ask him. Be specific, polite and direct.  See what happens.  Some people are very willing to help, they just need to be asked, for anything in life.  You’d be surprised.

But having this negative, and shaming attitude that “too bad for you, don’t ask for anything” is ridiculous. Why?!  That’s just dumb. Ask him. See what he says. Go from there. [/quote]
I’m the PP caring for my mom. I didn’t demand they help - but I was honest and direct that I needed a break. And they were willing to assist.
Correct - “demanding” won’t usually help. But being direct and honest might. Better than trying to hint you need help, or assume the non-local sibling really knows that you need help but isn’t willing. So ask. If the answer is no, then at least you know.
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