Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you may want to put her in a nursing home that takes Medicaid so that when her money runs out she can stay where she is (with Medicaid paying). A lawyer can walk you through this.

This. You have options. Stomping your feet and trying to force siblings to do more is not one. Your choices and her choices got her here. Now focus all your energy on finding a solution that works for everyone rather than venting, ruminating and resenting. The key with these facilities is to visit often so you can make sure she is getting good care.

[Anonymous]

If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

This. I too have been through dementia with a parent and useless siblings. It is a waste of time and energy to try to guilt and manipulate others into doing more than they are willing. You have to simply find a sustainable solution. You mention no siblings for the mIL to help. Rarely would an elderly person's siblings help. They too are old and have their own issues. You get guardianship and place them in a safe environment if their refusal could lead to death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

This. I too have been through dementia with a parent and useless siblings. It is a waste of time and energy to try to guilt and manipulate others into doing more than they are willing. You have to simply find a sustainable solution. You mention no siblings for the mIL to help. Rarely would an elderly person's siblings help. They too are old and have their own issues. You get guardianship and place them in a safe environment if their refusal could lead to death.

People, that posters MIL is dead. Why are you harping on her now? Wow. Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

This. I too have been through dementia with a parent and useless siblings. It is a waste of time and energy to try to guilt and manipulate others into doing more than they are willing. You have to simply find a sustainable solution. You mention no siblings for the mIL to help. Rarely would an elderly person's siblings help. They too are old and have their own issues. You get guardianship and place them in a safe environment if their refusal could lead to death.

People, that posters MIL is dead. Why are you harping on her now? Wow. Sorry for your loss.

This is a thread about coping with caregiving elderly inlaws and people are sharing their experiences. This is not a thread to announce deaths. We can share our experiences and what we have learned. I have lost one of the people I was care-giving for and I don't expect the thread to stop because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

This. I too have been through dementia with a parent and useless siblings. It is a waste of time and energy to try to guilt and manipulate others into doing more than they are willing. You have to simply find a sustainable solution. You mention no siblings for the mIL to help. Rarely would an elderly person's siblings help. They too are old and have their own issues. You get guardianship and place them in a safe environment if their refusal could lead to death.

People, that posters MIL is dead. Why are you harping on her now? Wow. Sorry for your loss.

This is a thread about coping with caregiving elderly inlaws and people are sharing their experiences. This is not a thread to announce deaths. We can share our experiences and what we have learned. I have lost one of the people I was care-giving for and I don't expect the thread to stop because of it.

Your dots don’t connect. PP with dead MIL was sharing his/her story re caring for a terminally ill MIL, which I believe OP was asking advice in similar set of circumstances. Identical, no but similar enough. After that, many posters were rude to that PP that the PP shouldn’t have agreed to the arrangement, shouldn’t ask in-law sibling for help, etc. all of which are similar issues for OP.

That PP was sharing. So why are other PP being so harsh on that shared experience? That PP wasn’t asking for her own advice on what to do because her situation is over.

I think (hope) we are all trying to help OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, regardless of the situation, this is stressful. I have a parent with advancing dementia who is local, as is my sibling, who is super supportive. And my parents have LTC insurance and it is still stressful. So no matter what the situation it is hard.

Sounds like you feel angry at the situation and stressed out, but you don't want to take out on DH because you understand his reasons for doing what he is doing, and, probably, it is part of what you value about him. But the stress and strain on you is real. Can you get some time for therapy? Hire extra help to help you around the house? Get a sitter sometimes for your 5 year old to give you or your older kids some relief? This time will pass, hang in there, and find ways to take care of yourself and relieve some of the stress!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, regardless of the situation, this is stressful. I have a parent with advancing dementia who is local, as is my sibling, who is super supportive. And my parents have LTC insurance and it is still stressful. So no matter what the situation it is hard.

Sounds like you feel angry at the situation and stressed out, but you don't want to take out on DH because you understand his reasons for doing what he is doing, and, probably, it is part of what you value about him. But the stress and strain on you is real. Can you get some time for therapy? Hire extra help to help you around the house? Get a sitter sometimes for your 5 year old to give you or your older kids some relief? This time will pass, hang in there, and find ways to take care of yourself and relieve some of the stress!

This is a good point! OP I helped my mother a lot when my father was in this state. Our situation was fortunate in that they could afford any care, but unfortunate in that she was stuck in thinking things must be a certain way. In retrospect I wish I had not helped that much, because my resentment grew and my frustration with her refusing to get more care. I wish i had an outsider explain to her why he needed residential, but instead I enabled on a unsafe situation where she was miserable and I burned out and was annoyed with her for insisting it had to be this way. My point is, they may see this as unsustainable and quicksand so maybe they would help move her to residential, but they refuse to help with a situation that is a living hell for everyone. In residential problems don't end. but you can sometimes just enjoy a visit while checking on things and you aren't the one doing the grunt work.

[Anonymous]

I have not read through all the comments, but it seems easier to hire someone to help with your house and home than to hire someone to help your MIL for the next month. If I were you, I would have DH move in with MIL and pay whatever it takes to get whatever childcare you need for the 5YO for the next month and housecleaners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities do not accept and cannot provide safe level of care for elderly with dementia. This plan makes no sense.

Not true. Look for a assisted living facility that specializes in memory care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities do not accept and cannot provide safe level of care for elderly with dementia. This plan makes no sense.

Not true. Look for a assisted living facility that specializes in memory care.

I'm not the pp you quoted

But "assisted living" is not the same as "memory care." I am a pp whose mom moved into assisted living (my dad and local brother were in denial) when she SHOULD HAVE moved into memory care. Her "assisted living" facility did not have a memory care unit and they ended up moving into a completely different facility (several miles away, but owned by the same parent company) just a few weeks later.

"Assisted living" is not adequate for those with dementia (and OP describes her MIL as having dementia in her first post.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities do not accept and cannot provide safe level of care for elderly with dementia. This plan makes no sense.

Not true. Look for a assisted living facility that specializes in memory care.

I'm not the pp you quoted

But "assisted living" is not the same as "memory care." I am a pp whose mom moved into assisted living (my dad and local brother were in denial) when she SHOULD HAVE moved into memory care. Her "assisted living" facility did not have a memory care unit and they ended up moving into a completely different facility (several miles away, but owned by the same parent company) just a few weeks later.

"Assisted living" is not adequate for those with dementia (and OP describes her MIL as having dementia in her first post.)

Some assisted living places do have memory care and are set up to deal with the progression of Alzheimer's. But that is not true for all facilities. You have to be really careful. And if you will end up needing Medicaid to pay for it, you may as well start off in a nursing home that takes Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire more help to the next few weeks until she moves. Call BIL and tell him his share of the cost.

+1 order take out, use a cleaning device and groceries delivered etc. just throw money at this and use her account for it because your family is caring for her).

[Anonymous]

^ service not device