Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
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Anonymous
| Memory care units are like prison |
Anonymous
OP, was your MIL's condition not monitored and reported on to DH and his brother (by the home health aides or their employer) when MIL was still living independently? It sounds like you've only just found out how bad her condition is. As your BIL and his wife are retired and you and your DH are still working, why didn't MIL move closer to BIL? Why would you expect your BIL and his wife, who live 12 hours away and are meant to be enjoying their retirement, to come and help often? Do you assume, just because they're no longer working, that they don't have anything else going on in their lives? Some retired people I know have busier lives than when they were working! It's a bit like expecting your childfree co-workers to stay late and work overtime because 'they don't have much else to do' when they get home compared to people with kids. A facility for elderly people with dementia is what your MIL needs, either near you or near BIL. You are full of anger and frustration, but you are angry at the wrong people. |
Anonymous
Memory care was the best thing to happen to my FIL and for as long as he could participate in the activities he loved them. Your statement is inflammatory. The "prison" aspect you refer to is the locked part for those who wander away. They are the folks who would be wandering their neighborhood and would possibly die of things like hypothermia if not found in time. It is much better to be in a memory care that is locked than alone at home locked up with an aide in isolation from peers. People get special locks for their homes when they have a wanderer so their home would be just as much of a prison, but with a burned out spouse or adult child, an aide and no peers around. I can tell you even when my FIL seemed completely gone, just being around people made him smile. Your family cannot be your only life. They need to be around others too. |
Anonymous
This. Also, OP it is not your place or your brothers to put a foot down and tell someone to more. They just have different boundaries than you do. If your marriage is on edge then clearly the plan isn't working. You don't get to blame your inlaws. Clearly the mom needs residential and I agree with PP do memory care. I went the martyr route of doing backflips to help my parent with Alzheimers and the reward is resentment and health issues. You don't do in your family and neglect spouse and kids for an elderly parent who hopefully would never want that to happen. Do you think she wants the family to go to war over her care? That is what will happen if you try to insist siblings do more than they are willing to do. Work on finding her the right residential and visit often. It is not your place to dictate how often the other inlaws visit. You figure out what your family can handle and don't try to control or manipulate others. It is not their fault that your husband has decided to take on so much. |
Anonymous
| Some of the posts in this thread are sickening. The selfishness and lack of regard for elders so widespread in our culture - American culture - is a sign of why we are so sick as a country. You women are setting a very clear example for your own kids, so no crying when you feel neglected or abandoned in YOUR old age/infirmity. |
Anonymous
I don't have kids so I will have to organise my own eldercare. |
Anonymous
Nice misogynistic touch, there buddy! The problem in the US is not lack of love for elders, but the geographic makeup and work culture of this country. People in the US don't typically live in close proximity to their family. In many other parts of the world, families live within walking distance to each other in the same city, town, or village. The communities are more tightly knit, and all people in the community (not just the children) look out for the elders. Elders are also more incorporated into the daily workings of families -- they may not work, but they may still cook meals, babysit, or just sit on the front stoop gossiping with neighbors. These things are unavailable to americans who live in typical car-dependent communities and whose families may live 12 hours away. OP, you are doing the best you can in a tough situation. |
Anonymous
A person with severe dementia and no mobility needs 24 hour care and special accommodations for getting around, bathing, etc. OP and her husband have demanding jobs and young children. Just what do you suggest they do, with your helpful comment? |
Anonymous
Agree it’s an American mind-set, but in all fairness I think it’s a result of American parenting styles years ago (Boomers). I think we’ll see a shift in a few decades. |
Anonymous
You “women”? Why are you assuming all the posters are women? Freudian slip there. Women alone are not responsible for elder care. |
Anonymous
Not always - I worked in a good one. Definitely take a tour, if possible. In truth, comments like this can be unhelpful, because sometimes there’s just no other choice - it is immensely difficult to care for someone with dementia at home, especially if you are still working and have your own family to take care of, but really no matter what your circumstances...even if you have lots of help. By the time families brought their loved one to memory care, they had been through so much and had tried so hard. It would be cruel to make them feel guilty or like bad caregivers. |
Anonymous
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OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids, - they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care? I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker. |
Anonymous
OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working! Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them? You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely. Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her. A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need a therapist. In the middle of all the stress, it’s hard to feel anything but “pissed off.” But your husband is going through a lot too! What you’re feeling is the loss of his presence in your own family, the sadness and scariness of his mom’s situation, resentment that your DH became the sibling with primary “custody” (there’s always one). Those are real and valid emotions but they are not “pissed off” and if you come at your husband with that, with all that he’s going through, that would be a pretty rough approach to a person you love.
The therapist can help you figure out how to sort through and prioritize your emotions for when you talk to your DH about this next phase. Trust me, many (most?) people have been through at least one elder care situation like this and it is absolutely horrific. It’s very hard to find help, everyone suffers, and it is bleak and relentless and traumatic. But there’s no way out of it. And your kids are learning important lessons about service to others, sacrifice, and planning for end of life. |
Anonymous
I can't believe you need this spelled out. Because, OP, you moved your MIL to you, and they are 12 hours away. You, and your husband, took on that responsibility. ANnot that things aren;t going as you planned, you expect your BIL to frequently fly to you and stay in a hotel? You had work demands and three kids when you chose to move your MIL to you. You have absolutely no right to be pissed at your BIL because the plan isn't working out the way you thought it would. In any event, in 3 weeks your MIL will be in a facility, and things will get easier. You can do anything for 3 weeks - suck it up. |