Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - how is your situation now?

I am in a very similar situation with my FIL. I'm so angry at my DH and resent having to be FIL's companion and caretaker.

Does he live with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - how is your situation now?

I am in a very similar situation with my FIL. I'm so angry at my DH and resent having to be FIL's companion and caretaker.

Does he live with you?

Yes, he does. Middle-stage alzheimer's. We have taken some of advice in this very helpful thread to get more help and look into assisted living/memory care. Some people will meet him and he seems a bit senile and old, but otherwise okay. However, only those that have lived in this situation, or been very close in providing care, can really understand the daily toll it takes on a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With Covid isolation, my husband moved his 90 year old mother up to live with us. She was living alone 2 states away and home health coming by
But she was so lonely so he moved her up. Definitely didn’t work in our house. Now she’s in apartment. That not working either.
We thought would originally be great- our kids could spend time her around- she was lively and good health... WE THOUGHT!
Now we see she has severe dementia, is barely mobile- and has turned into special needs child situation.
My husband and I both have extremely demanding jobs- three kids- we are already drowning. And our youngest is having behavior issues in school.

So I’m starting to really resent how he spends much time over at her apartment taking care of her. I understand it- and I feel guilty feeling that way- but our our own family is running on fumes.

His brother and wife live 12 hours away and are retired....and I really really
Really feel mad they aren’t coming out to help us. They should be carrying the burden too.
He leaves my 16 year old home to babysit our 5 year old when he goes over there ( if I’m out of town) or working.

So I have the right to tell him to have his sibling come out quarterly and give us a break?? Or how do i get past feeling so angry and overwhelmed.

OP, I went through this and the first thing I'm going to say is NO GUILT. Your husband is in a tight spot and assisted living will provide relief, but I guarantee you he'll be there all the time too. How do I know? My husband was, and always has, put his own nuclear family first, before me, before the kids, etc. I hope yours is different but he's not listening to you now. What is he saying to you that's causing the guilt? And good therapist would tell him that this isn't the order of things. He has aides for her, and if you need more help for the next three weeks, he either hires her a third aide OR hires you temporary help (much harder).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

NP. It's really not, though. Listen, elder care is a choice. I could possibly be the BIL in the future. Many of the details are different, I'm sure...but my parent has totally refused to prepare for aging and has been diagnosed with several serious health conditions that will be a long-term decline. For the past several years...I've seen this coming. They don't qualify for subsidized housing and Medicaid due to a divorce they refuse to get even though they haven't seen their "spouse" for years. They will certainly expect for my sibling and I to pay cash for any care, housing, etc. instead of the public benefits they are entitled to. My sibling has totally refused to cooperate in getting our parent to line themselves up for the help they'll need and have enabled this parent to stay in this situation. I have made it very, very clear I will have nothing to do with this hot-mess of a situation. I can see how this is going to escalate even though my sibling can't. And I mean it...my sibling will be on the hook for any help they choose to provide. So, who knows what happened between BIL and OP's husband.

so you wash your hands of your elderly parent. That's nice for you.

It will be great for me, thanks. I'll be happy to drive this parent to appointments, drop off food...and as it stands I make sure they get gift cards for food so they can eat. But no, I won't pay for or provide nursing care services or housing when they have patently refused to line themselves up for Medicaid and senior subsidized housing. They will need it. This parent is abusive (for example, goes through periods of time when they refuse to wear clothes inside their home) and it will get far worse as they deteriorate. I've been shouting from the rooftops what's going to happen here...so yes, hands washed.

As someone who is going through similar? GOOD FOR YOU

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

Because she had no f-ing choice you idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

Because she had no f-ing choice you idiot.

Sure she did. Sorry you can’t see that.

[Anonymous]

Can your husband take FMLA for a month or two to get this all sorted--he could help his mom and be more available to help with the kids too. Might be worth considering.

I know this is stressful and I hope you're able to get through it. You're a saint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the posts in this thread are sickening. The selfishness and lack of regard for elders so widespread in our culture - American culture - is a sign of why we are so sick as a country. You women are setting a very clear example for your own kids, so no crying when you feel neglected or abandoned in YOUR old age/infirmity.

A person with severe dementia and no mobility needs 24 hour care and special accommodations for getting around, bathing, etc. OP and her husband have demanding jobs and young children. Just what do you suggest they do, with your helpful comment?

They need to be put in a facility for their own safety and care. That pp has no clue.

[Anonymous]

She needs to be vaccinated and back in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

Because she had no f-ing choice you idiot.

Sure she did. Sorry you can’t see that.

When your husband is a grown man and he chooses to do things you do not agree with, you don't really have much choice. Other than divorce. Maybe OP didn't want to destroy her family over this teribile but temporary situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe. As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence. She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat. Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything. It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything. My kids hated it. I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away. But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved. Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask.

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement? You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL.

Because she had no f-ing choice you idiot.

Sure she did. Sorry you can’t see that.

When your husband is a grown man and he chooses to do things you do not agree with, you don't really have much choice. Other than divorce. Maybe OP didn't want to destroy her family over this teribile but temporary situation.

She absolutely did have a choice. Not to go along with it, or be her caretaker. It's not the Bil's job either, they need to look into care. Most people work and cannot be caretakers. It's not for OP or her DH to tell the bil what to do.