Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

[Anonymous]

With Covid isolation, my husband moved his 90 year old mother up to live with us. She was living alone 2 states away and home health coming by
But she was so lonely so he moved her up. Definitely didn’t work in our house. Now she’s in apartment. That not working either.
We thought would originally be great- our kids could spend time her around- she was lively and good health... WE THOUGHT!
Now we see she has severe dementia, is barely mobile- and has turned into special needs child situation.
My husband and I both have extremely demanding jobs- three kids- we are already drowning. And our youngest is having behavior issues in school.

So I’m starting to really resent how he spends much time over at her apartment taking care of her. I understand it- and I feel guilty feeling that way- but our our own family is running on fumes.

His brother and wife live 12 hours away and are retired....and I really really
Really feel mad they aren’t coming out to help us. They should be carrying the burden too.
He leaves my 16 year old home to babysit our 5 year old when he goes over there ( if I’m out of town) or working.

So I have the right to tell him to have his sibling come out quarterly and give us a break?? Or how do i get past feeling so angry and overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Yes! Of course you can ask for help. Realistically, they probably will do nothing—or close to nothing. I’m sorry, this sounds really hard.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't she move to her other son's house from the very start? Did the brother know something that you didn't?

Severe dementia can't be managed this way, OP.

Usually the patient is better off in a specialized home, so you can start looking ASAP. My aunt managed to take care of her MIL and FIL, who lived next door, by hiring aides round the clock, 24/7, to ensure that they lived out their days in their own home. It was expensive, but she certainly wasn't going to serve as nanny, security officer, driver, nurse and houskeeper by herself! She managed the aides, the doctors' visits, etc, which was work enough already.

[Anonymous]

If what you’ve said is correct, your MIL needs to be in a skilled nursing facility. Just shuffling her between her kids isn’t going to work, and likely is dangerous.

[Anonymous]

You should move her into a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Op here- we realized the apartment wouldn’t work- we have sides 3 days a week but they are bad. So we would fire them but only need them for 3 more weeks. My husband is moving her into assisted living next month.
But it’s end of school year- ACT for oldest- dance tryout for middle. I need his help now!!
I feel so angry but I know it’s not right. I don’t want to burden him with me being upset but I’m flat out pissed off. I’m barely hanging on with juggling work and kids and all of us in house. I almost feel like it would be easier got him to just move in with her. Having him home and dealing with her stuff is worse.

[Anonymous]

We have “aids” 3 days a week I mean. They are always different person despite what we asked for- they aren’t bathing her because she’s resisting. But they swore that was their “benefit”. That’s really not helping.

[Anonymous]

Hire more help to the next few weeks until she moves. Call BIL and tell him his share of the cost.

[Anonymous]

Assisted living will not work either. You moved her 12 hours away. The sibling would have to travel in Covid and get a hotel to help. Not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have “aids” 3 days a week I mean. They are always different person despite what we asked for- they aren’t bathing her because she’s resisting. But they swore that was their “benefit”. That’s really not helping.

Aide services send who is available, not necessarily the same person. I do discharge planning and hear this from families all the time- we want the same person every time. It's never going to happen unless you hire that person directly. And aides cannot force anyone to bathe or do anything else if they don't want to.
If she refuses in assisted living but cannot do it herself, they will recommend long-term care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have “aids” 3 days a week I mean. They are always different person despite what we asked for- they aren’t bathing her because she’s resisting. But they swore that was their “benefit”. That’s really not helping.

Aide services send who is available, not necessarily the same person. I do discharge planning and hear this from families all the time- we want the same person every time. It's never going to happen unless you hire that person directly. And aides cannot force anyone to bathe or do anything else if they don't want to.
If she refuses in assisted living but cannot do it herself, they will recommend long-term care.

Good info. Yes she refuses to bathe and goes weeks without shower. Yes she refuses with home health apparently snd my husband doesn’t make her.
Do you think shell get approved for assisted living? They are doing evaluation next week.
The home health company never told us it would be different person as often- and they sold us on being able to get them to bathe and they aren’t, guess they should have stated all that.
She is with it sometimes during day. Can barely walk- dementia is on and off but pretty bad after 4 pm. She won’t bathe but she lies and tells us she gets up in middle of night before everyone else baths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- we realized the apartment wouldn’t work- we have sides 3 days a week but they are bad. So we would fire them but only need them for 3 more weeks. My husband is moving her into assisted living next month.
But it’s end of school year- ACT for oldest- dance tryout for middle. I need his help now!!
I feel so angry but I know it’s not right. I don’t want to burden him with me being upset but I’m flat out pissed off. I’m barely hanging on with juggling work and kids and all of us in house. I almost feel like it would be easier got him to just move in with her. Having him home and dealing with her stuff is worse.

You should have said you only wanted suggestions for that one month, OP.

You have every right to be stressed out, and stress can manifest as anger.
Having him move in with her for a month would be a great idea!
Or he can perhaps request leave, if you think he can do more around the house or with the children during that time.
Or, you can take some leave yourself, but that might be a last resort, given it's his mishandling of the situation, not yours.

On the house and kid front, you can slack off on the cooking and cleaning, but strive to maintain a calm house full of routine so your teen can focus on their ACT, and your other child can focus on their tryouts. This, for me, would be the TOP priority.

[Anonymous]

Assisted living facilities do not accept and cannot provide safe level of care for elderly with dementia. This plan makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
And I know you barely have time at all...but the first thing you need to do is order this book TONIGHT from Amazon:
Dementia Caregiver Guide by Teepa Snow

Then steal a few minutes each day before bed to watch a few of her videos on youtube. She is amazing at giving tips and insight into how to make a plan to tackle what your family is facing AND in getting you and other family members to see what is happening with your MIL.
It is a long, long journey. Not a sprint. You can do this, but understanding what is happening and making sure you are on the same page with family members and understand what is reasonable to expect from care providers and from your MIL throughout this process is key.

Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

He should look at assisted living units within a CCRC (continuing-care community); if she can still manage her activities of daily living somewhat independently, she would be eligible for AL and private aides can also be hired to enable her to stay at that level of care a bit longer. These communities usually also have both an assisted living memory care (usually a locked unit) for higher-functioning people with dementia and a long-term care dementia unit on-site so if she deteriorates further, she won’t have move to an entirely different community.