Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- we realized the apartment wouldn’t work- we have sides 3 days a week but they are bad. So we would fire them but only need them for 3 more weeks. My husband is moving her into assisted living next month.
But it’s end of school year- ACT for oldest- dance tryout for middle. I need his help now!!
I feel so angry but I know it’s not right. I don’t want to burden him with me being upset but I’m flat out pissed off. I’m barely hanging on with juggling work and kids and all of us in house. I almost feel like it would be easier got him to just move in with her. Having him home and dealing with her stuff is worse.

You should have said you only wanted suggestions for that one month, OP.

You have every right to be stressed out, and stress can manifest as anger.
Having him move in with her for a month would be a great idea!
Or he can perhaps request leave, if you think he can do more around the house or with the children during that time.
Or, you can take some leave yourself, but that might be a last resort, given it's his mishandling of the situation, not yours.

On the house and kid front, you can slack off on the cooking and cleaning, but strive to maintain a calm house full of routine so your teen can focus on their ACT, and your other child can focus on their tryouts. This, for me, would be the TOP priority.

Leave is a great idea and there are resources that can help you apply. (Most states have laws that require your employer to allow leave for this kind of thing, btw.)

[Anonymous]

Your kid’s dance tryouts are not more important than your husband trying to figure out how to care for a parent with dementia. Get your perspective straight.

My parents both have dementia and their agency absolutely send the same people. We have twenty four seven care and a six person team that rotates. This is private pay, not insurance.

[Anonymous]

Also - even in assisted living they can’t force her to bathe. But the multi-disciplinary staff can work together and try different approaches/problem-solving - it won’t be all on your DH to manage. That’s the difference.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to consider - even if your DH hadn’t moved your MIL to your location - her deteriorating state would’ve caused a crisis, and your DH would likely still be dealing with it, and perhaps traveling back and forth to her home state. And BIL wouldn’t necessarily be more involved - it sounds like they have made the choice to be less hands-on than your DH. Caregiving is always a choice, and plenty of people choose to allow others to assume the burden of care.

So yes, the situation sucks and is very stressful, but there likely was no way around it, even if your MIL was still in her prior residence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why didn't she move to her other son's house from the very start? Did the brother know something that you didn't?

Severe dementia can't be managed this way, OP.

Usually the patient is better off in a specialized home, so you can start looking ASAP. My aunt managed to take care of her MIL and FIL, who lived next door, by hiring aides round the clock, 24/7, to ensure that they lived out their days in their own home. It was expensive, but she certainly wasn't going to serve as nanny, security officer, driver, nurse and houskeeper by herself! She managed the aides, the doctors' visits, etc, which was work enough already.

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she may need a nursing home. Even assisted living will likely still require you to get a private aide. Can you have her go to a nursing home near your BIL? If not one near here would be better than status quo. If you do assisted living choose one with memory care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid’s dance tryouts are not more important than your husband trying to figure out how to care for a parent with dementia. Get your perspective straight.

My parents both have dementia and their agency absolutely send the same people. We have twenty four seven care and a six person team that rotates. This is private pay, not insurance.

Actually no. It's usually the people who do nothing and are backseat drivers who say this sort of thing to guilt trip. The younger generation comes first. You find a residential facility, you visit often. You don't rob your kids of a parent to provide endless care for someone who did not plan. I have found those who were actually there for their parents are more likely to go into independent living themselves at a continued care place because they understand how life draining it can be for adult children and they have sometimes even seen there own friends die before the elderly parents from the strain. If I had a dollar for every story of an adult child who developed cancer or some other serious illness while dealing with the endless needs of their parents and parental duties. Your health and the well-being of your children MATTER and take precedence. Anyone who insists an elderly parent comes before an innocent child who has not lead a complete lifecycle or a middle aged adult who needs to stay alive for those children has their priorities wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid’s dance tryouts are not more important than your husband trying to figure out how to care for a parent with dementia. Get your perspective straight.

My parents both have dementia and their agency absolutely send the same people. We have twenty four seven care and a six person team that rotates. This is private pay, not insurance.

Actually no. It's usually the people who do nothing and are backseat drivers who say this sort of thing to guilt trip. The younger generation comes first. You find a residential facility, you visit often. You don't rob your kids of a parent to provide endless care for someone who did not plan. I have found those who were actually there for their parents are more likely to go into independent living themselves at a continued care place because they understand how life draining it can be for adult children and they have sometimes even seen there own friends die before the elderly parents from the strain. If I had a dollar for every story of an adult child who developed cancer or some other serious illness while dealing with the endless needs of their parents and parental duties. Your health and the well-being of your children MATTER and take precedence. Anyone who insists an elderly parent comes before an innocent child who has not lead a complete lifecycle or a middle aged adult who needs to stay alive for those children has their priorities wrong.

Very American mindset. OP, does your MIL have any assets that your husband stands to inherit? That makes all the difference. BIL is smart to not bother at all if their mom is destitute. There also could be history of abuse/neglect that you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid’s dance tryouts are not more important than your husband trying to figure out how to care for a parent with dementia. Get your perspective straight.

My parents both have dementia and their agency absolutely send the same people. We have twenty four seven care and a six person team that rotates. This is private pay, not insurance.

Actually no. It's usually the people who do nothing and are backseat drivers who say this sort of thing to guilt trip. The younger generation comes first. You find a residential facility, you visit often. You don't rob your kids of a parent to provide endless care for someone who did not plan. I have found those who were actually there for their parents are more likely to go into independent living themselves at a continued care place because they understand how life draining it can be for adult children and they have sometimes even seen there own friends die before the elderly parents from the strain. If I had a dollar for every story of an adult child who developed cancer or some other serious illness while dealing with the endless needs of their parents and parental duties. Your health and the well-being of your children MATTER and take precedence. Anyone who insists an elderly parent comes before an innocent child who has not lead a complete lifecycle or a middle aged adult who needs to stay alive for those children has their priorities wrong.

Nope, I am the sibling who does all the work while the other siblings complain they can’t because they are too busy with their teenage kids. The other siblings live within three hour drives and visit once or twice a year for two days. It’s a balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid’s dance tryouts are not more important than your husband trying to figure out how to care for a parent with dementia. Get your perspective straight.

My parents both have dementia and their agency absolutely send the same people. We have twenty four seven care and a six person team that rotates. This is private pay, not insurance.

Actually no. It's usually the people who do nothing and are backseat drivers who say this sort of thing to guilt trip. The younger generation comes first. You find a residential facility, you visit often. You don't rob your kids of a parent to provide endless care for someone who did not plan. I have found those who were actually there for their parents are more likely to go into independent living themselves at a continued care place because they understand how life draining it can be for adult children and they have sometimes even seen there own friends die before the elderly parents from the strain. If I had a dollar for every story of an adult child who developed cancer or some other serious illness while dealing with the endless needs of their parents and parental duties. Your health and the well-being of your children MATTER and take precedence. Anyone who insists an elderly parent comes before an innocent child who has not lead a complete lifecycle or a middle aged adult who needs to stay alive for those children has their priorities wrong.

Very American mindset. OP, does your MIL have any assets that your husband stands to inherit? That makes all the difference. BIL is smart to not bother at all if their mom is destitute. There also could be history of abuse/neglect that you don't know about.

Nice try, but no. Take your anti-American sentiment elsewhere though. America has been a much safer place for my family to live. Truly wise elderly family members will tell you to place the younger generation first. It is the selfish ones who want you to drop everything, lose your job and make yourself miserable to serve them.

[Anonymous]

What grandparent would want their own needs to take priority over a grandchild? None that I know. you have to set up a system that keeps your MIL safe and people in should visit because they love her, but don't feel.bad about prioritizing your kids dance try out or your others kids college application prep!!!

[Anonymous]

OP here- to get conversation back on track- money is ok. She was a teacher so middle class had savings and has enough for assisted living- as mentioned, we thought she was in good health dec 1 when we brought her to stay with us— just all her rides and activities ended with covid isolating her. We had no idea how bad she was and maybe a year isolated with covid led to downfall?.
Point is we had plan to move her into senior living near us- it was wonderful complex with lots of activities— under construction ready in May— this “in between” period has been eye opener and now we are figuring Out daily this situation.
BIL is good guy - no abuse - nothing weird- he and his wife just retired and are building house 2 states away. I don’t think my husband has put down his foot to say ( or maybe he doesn’t agree) that they need to come stay in hotel every other month and help us. They call her daily and they physically moved her stuff up her but then went back to their life. I feel like they are retired and should help more. They are posting pics skiing with their kids- going on walks, enjoying life and I’m about to get divorced and lose my marbles! It’s really like having an adult special needs child - and we had no idea how to handle. We take her to doc for something every few weeks- she doesn’t eat or bath- she has gotten very difficult- we weren’t prepared for this -I’m just mad they don’t come here and physically help us. It makes me resent my husband. I feel horrible about that.

[Anonymous]

For better or worse, OP.

Families go through ups and downs. We all need to pitch in. You are pitching in by juggling kids, work and housecare. Your DH is not asking you to take care of his mother. That is a huge blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- to get conversation back on track- money is ok. She was a teacher so middle class had savings and has enough for assisted living- as mentioned, we thought she was in good health dec 1 when we brought her to stay with us— just all her rides and activities ended with covid isolating her. We had no idea how bad she was and maybe a year isolated with covid led to downfall?.
Point is we had plan to move her into senior living near us- it was wonderful complex with lots of activities— under construction ready in May— this “in between” period has been eye opener and now we are figuring Out daily this situation.
BIL is good guy - no abuse - nothing weird- he and his wife just retired and are building house 2 states away. I don’t think my husband has put down his foot to say ( or maybe he doesn’t agree) that they need to come stay in hotel every other month and help us. They call her daily and they physically moved her stuff up her but then went back to their life. I feel like they are retired and should help more. They are posting pics skiing with their kids- going on walks, enjoying life and I’m about to get divorced and lose my marbles! It’s really like having an adult special needs child - and we had no idea how to handle. We take her to doc for something every few weeks- she doesn’t eat or bath- she has gotten very difficult- we weren’t prepared for this -I’m just mad they don’t come here and physically help us. It makes me resent my husband. I feel horrible about that.

New poster here. My mom has dementia (she is only 72) and i have written about her a lot here.

Honestly, from what you have said, I don't think your mom belongs in assisted living. I think she needs to be in a memory care unit. Does the facility you've chosen for her offer that?

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with prior poster and likely the evaluation will show MIL needs a memory care unit because there is a reevaluation within a certain period once you enter a senior care place. So to save the hassle on all of you and MIL having to process another change, be sure to advise dh to find a place with AL and Memory. And I would not try to make MIL look put together for any evaluation as just her physical presentation will help her get the right services she needs.