Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with the others, get help and stop trying to control your inlaws. You are showing some very negatively distorted thinking. You assume "retired" means they are living a carefree life. Perhaps they are not telling you about their health issues, problems with their adult children and endless other things. It doesn't matter. You chose to move the elders near you.

I have been where you are and I learned the only person I can control is myself and we had to figure out boundaries that work for us. STOP obsessing over what everyone else does not do. It's a waste of miserable energy. Instead focus on what Memory Care will keep her there even when the money runs out. Visit places. Work with a professional who has expertise in the area. Focus your energy on problem solving not blaming and resentment. You do not get to tell your siblings in law how to live their lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP... where the h3ll is the retired sibling? I'd be seriously p.o'd too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

NP. It's really not, though. Listen, elder care is a choice. I could possibly be the BIL in the future. Many of the details are different, I'm sure...but my parent has totally refused to prepare for aging and has been diagnosed with several serious health conditions that will be a long-term decline. For the past several years...I've seen this coming. They don't qualify for subsidized housing and Medicaid due to a divorce they refuse to get even though they haven't seen their "spouse" for years. They will certainly expect for my sibling and I to pay cash for any care, housing, etc. instead of the public benefits they are entitled to. My sibling has totally refused to cooperate in getting our parent to line themselves up for the help they'll need and have enabled this parent to stay in this situation. I have made it very, very clear I will have nothing to do with this hot-mess of a situation. I can see how this is going to escalate even though my sibling can't. And I mean it...my sibling will be on the hook for any help they choose to provide. So, who knows what happened between BIL and OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

+1 That ^PP is an idiot.

"they have hobbies"? Yea, that takes precedence of taking care of your elderly mother, and letting your sibling with young kids and a demanding job take that burden.

Nobody with any ounce of compassion and sympathy would think OP would be "happy" to have an elderly MIL living with her and her kids.

wtf is wrong with people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

NP. It's really not, though. Listen, elder care is a choice. I could possibly be the BIL in the future. Many of the details are different, I'm sure...but my parent has totally refused to prepare for aging and has been diagnosed with several serious health conditions that will be a long-term decline. For the past several years...I've seen this coming. They don't qualify for subsidized housing and Medicaid due to a divorce they refuse to get even though they haven't seen their "spouse" for years. They will certainly expect for my sibling and I to pay cash for any care, housing, etc. instead of the public benefits they are entitled to. My sibling has totally refused to cooperate in getting our parent to line themselves up for the help they'll need and have enabled this parent to stay in this situation. I have made it very, very clear I will have nothing to do with this hot-mess of a situation. I can see how this is going to escalate even though my sibling can't. And I mean it...my sibling will be on the hook for any help they choose to provide. So, who knows what happened between BIL and OP's husband.

so you wash your hands of your elderly parent. That's nice for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

NP. It's really not, though. Listen, elder care is a choice. I could possibly be the BIL in the future. Many of the details are different, I'm sure...but my parent has totally refused to prepare for aging and has been diagnosed with several serious health conditions that will be a long-term decline. For the past several years...I've seen this coming. They don't qualify for subsidized housing and Medicaid due to a divorce they refuse to get even though they haven't seen their "spouse" for years. They will certainly expect for my sibling and I to pay cash for any care, housing, etc. instead of the public benefits they are entitled to. My sibling has totally refused to cooperate in getting our parent to line themselves up for the help they'll need and have enabled this parent to stay in this situation. I have made it very, very clear I will have nothing to do with this hot-mess of a situation. I can see how this is going to escalate even though my sibling can't. And I mean it...my sibling will be on the hook for any help they choose to provide. So, who knows what happened between BIL and OP's husband.

so you wash your hands of your elderly parent. That's nice for you.

It will be great for me, thanks. I'll be happy to drive this parent to appointments, drop off food...and as it stands I make sure they get gift cards for food so they can eat. But no, I won't pay for or provide nursing care services or housing when they have patently refused to line themselves up for Medicaid and senior subsidized housing. They will need it. This parent is abusive (for example, goes through periods of time when they refuse to wear clothes inside their home) and it will get far worse as they deteriorate. I've been shouting from the rooftops what's going to happen here...so yes, hands washed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.

This is so tone deaf.

No, it's the harsh reality. If BIL & wife are not prepared to visit and provide care for Mom, what is OP meant to do? Physically drag them there?

As I said, I was once in OP's shoes and I desperately wanted members of my family to help. I didn't live near. They did. But they didn't help, and if they did it was just once or twice and then it stopped. They told me they had busy lives and at the same time they were telling me about all the fun things they did or were going to do.
I tried to control their behaviour and get them to share some of the burden now and then and I failed miserably.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and DH took this on by moving her to you. There isn’t much you can expect from ILs esp when she is going to care in a few short weeks.

This is a really challenging time and right now your MIL needs your DH more than you do. Time to step up and have his back so he isn’t feeling pressure from you. Cover the kids and stuff. It is only a few weeks. Your kids will be fine.

It would be enormously selfish to expect DH to do anything else but deal with his mom’s situation during this time. Deep breath, you can do this.

[Anonymous]

If there is nothing to inherit, don’t bother.

[Anonymous]

You’ve got two choices. Memory care here (at about 7k a month at least). Check out Arden court. Or memory care near BIL. Maybe it’s cheaper. She also need a geriatrician if she doesn’t have one.

[Anonymous]

Caring for a patient with dementia is very draining, demanding and difficult. If you can afford it, get professional help because it will affect your home situation badly between the kids and the jobs. Good luck OP, been there and know how difficult it is 1st hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and DH took this on by moving her to you. There isn’t much you can expect from ILs esp when she is going to care in a few short weeks.

This is a really challenging time and right now your MIL needs your DH more than you do. Time to step up and have his back so he isn’t feeling pressure from you. Cover the kids and stuff. It is only a few weeks. Your kids will be fine.

It would be enormously selfish to expect DH to do anything else but deal with his mom’s situation during this time. Deep breath, you can do this.

I'm going to stop you right there. OP, whenever you hear people throwing around the word "SELFISH" it's manipulation. It's used primarily with women, since we are still socialized to give until we do ourselves in. It is not selfish to be fed up. Unfortunately you cannor force the inlaws to help. You do have a right to be upset to come up with solutions. Maybe they inlaws are willing to throw money at this until she in a home? Hire help and then move her to memory care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.

This sounds like you (and your husband?) are in denial. I am a pp with a 72 year old mom with dementia. My dad and brother were also in denial about my mom's condition and thought she could live in an assisted living facility (with my dad.) Not even a week in, it was evident how bad my mom's dementia was and that she needed to be in a memory care unit. My dad had been "covering" and hiding how bad she had become, but once she was living in a facility and there were witnesses (the staff) it was undeniable.
The facility they were living in did not have a memory care unit so they had to move again (just 3 weeks after the move to assisted living) to a different facility.

And yes, it will use up her money fast. She is 90 and is in poor health. What else should she use her money for, if not to provide a safe place for her to live?

[Anonymous]

OP you may want to put her in a nursing home that takes Medicaid so that when her money runs out she can stay where she is (with Medicaid paying). A lawyer can walk you through this.