Finding the birth mother in a closed adoption from Eastern Europe

[Anonymous]

I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.

[Anonymous]

I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.

PP,

This is a very sad story, and I am sorry that you went through this. But it's simply not fair for you to blame an innocent child (not "a bastard" as you call them--the 16th Century called and wants its terminology back) for what happened to you, or say to anyone else in a different situation--and every adoption story is indeed different-- that they have no right to search and learn about their birth story. Or, for that matter, that every birth mother in a closed adoption feels exactly as you do. I know from personal experience that some don't.

In many developed nations, such as Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand, adoption records are opened when an adoptee turns 18. There, it is considered a human right for a person to find out any medical history and the circumstances of their birth--for their sake, and for the sake of their own children. These countries have come to understand that the adoptee, who did not agree to the terms of the adoption, has rights, too--not just the birth parents.

If this young person wants to find out about their birth family, it is their right. She is not someone's shameful little secret. She is no longer a baby. She is an adult, and has rights as an adult.

As others here have pointed out, she may not find the birth mother easily. The birth mother may not want to talk to her. The story of her adoption has got to be a sad one--no one puts up a baby for adoption lightly. But if she wants to know, and she understands the risks, she has the right to try to find out.

It is hard enough to grow up as an adopted person. The ire on this board toward this young woman's interest in searching for her birth mother is shocking and shameful. It is her life. If you don't have something helpful to say, get off this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.

PP,

This is a very sad story, and I am sorry that you went through this. But it's simply not fair for you to blame an innocent child (not "a bastard" as you call them--the 16th Century called and wants its terminology back) for what happened to you, or say to anyone else in a different situation--and every adoption story is indeed different-- that they have no right to search and learn about their birth story. Or, for that matter, that every birth mother in a closed adoption feels exactly as you do. I know from personal experience that some don't.

In many developed nations, such as Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand, adoption records are opened when an adoptee turns 18. There, it is considered a human right for a person to find out any medical history and the circumstances of their birth--for their sake, and for the sake of their own children. These countries have come to understand that the adoptee, who did not agree to the terms of the adoption, has rights, too--not just the birth parents.

If this young person wants to find out about their birth family, it is their right. She is not someone's shameful little secret. She is no longer a baby. She is an adult, and has rights as an adult.

As others here have pointed out, she may not find the birth mother easily. The birth mother may not want to talk to her. The story of her adoption has got to be a sad one--no one puts up a baby for adoption lightly. But if she wants to know, and she understands the risks, she has the right to try to find out.

It is hard enough to grow up as an adopted person. The ire on this board toward this young woman's interest in searching for her birth mother is shocking and shameful. It is her life. If you don't have something helpful to say, get off this thread.

Goodness gracious, this is why abortion has to remain legal and available. Imagine being raped, forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, then forced to have the adoption records opened in 18 years. That's the kind of stuff that leads to women committing suicide instead of giving birth, like the stories linked earlier in the thread described. I wonder how many countries with those adoption record laws are trying to pull back abortion rights like in the U.S.? None I'd be willing to bet.

OP, as you can see there is a wide range of opinions and beliefs. Your daughter is your daughter and her interests are paramount, that's totally understandable. But really think hard, and urge her to think, about whether she NEEDS to know and whether that need is worth potentially ruining someone's life. What are the odds you'd be willing to take? 1 in 2 chance? 1 in 10? That chance would really give me pause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.



PP,

This is a very sad story, and I am sorry that you went through this. But it's simply not fair for you to blame an innocent child (not "a bastard" as you call them--the 16th Century called and wants its terminology back) for what happened to you, or say to anyone else in a different situation--and every adoption story is indeed different-- that they have no right to search and learn about their birth story. Or, for that matter, that every birth mother in a closed adoption feels exactly as you do. I know from personal experience that some don't.

In many developed nations, such as Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand, adoption records are opened when an adoptee turns 18. There, it is considered a human right for a person to find out any medical history and the circumstances of their birth--for their sake, and for the sake of their own children. These countries have come to understand that the adoptee, who did not agree to the terms of the adoption, has rights, too--not just the birth parents.

If this young person wants to find out about their birth family, it is their right. She is not someone's shameful little secret. She is no longer a baby. She is an adult, and has rights as an adult.

As others here have pointed out, she may not find the birth mother easily. The birth mother may not want to talk to her. The story of her adoption has got to be a sad one--no one puts up a baby for adoption lightly. But if she wants to know, and she understands the risks, she has the right to try to find out.

It is hard enough to grow up as an adopted person. The ire on this board toward this young woman's interest in searching for her birth mother is shocking and shameful. It is her life. If you don't have something helpful to say, get off this thread.



Goodness gracious, this is why abortion has to remain legal and available. Imagine being raped, forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, then forced to have the adoption records opened in 18 years. That's the kind of stuff that leads to women committing suicide instead of giving birth, like the stories linked earlier in the thread described. I wonder how many countries with those adoption record laws are trying to pull back abortion rights like in the U.S.? None I'd be willing to bet.

OP, as you can see there is a wide range of opinions and beliefs. Your daughter is your daughter and her interests are paramount, that's totally understandable. But really think hard, and urge her to think, about whether she NEEDS to know and whether that need is worth potentially ruining someone's life. What are the odds you'd be willing to take? 1 in 2 chance? 1 in 10? That chance would really give me pause.

How would it be "ruining someone's life" if she contacts the birth parent? If the birth parent isn't interested, they can say no to any contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.



PP,

This is a very sad story, and I am sorry that you went through this. But it's simply not fair for you to blame an innocent child (not "a bastard" as you call them--the 16th Century called and wants its terminology back) for what happened to you, or say to anyone else in a different situation--and every adoption story is indeed different-- that they have no right to search and learn about their birth story. Or, for that matter, that every birth mother in a closed adoption feels exactly as you do. I know from personal experience that some don't.

In many developed nations, such as Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand, adoption records are opened when an adoptee turns 18. There, it is considered a human right for a person to find out any medical history and the circumstances of their birth--for their sake, and for the sake of their own children. These countries have come to understand that the adoptee, who did not agree to the terms of the adoption, has rights, too--not just the birth parents.

If this young person wants to find out about their birth family, it is their right. She is not someone's shameful little secret. She is no longer a baby. She is an adult, and has rights as an adult.

As others here have pointed out, she may not find the birth mother easily. The birth mother may not want to talk to her. The story of her adoption has got to be a sad one--no one puts up a baby for adoption lightly. But if she wants to know, and she understands the risks, she has the right to try to find out.

It is hard enough to grow up as an adopted person. The ire on this board toward this young woman's interest in searching for her birth mother is shocking and shameful. It is her life. If you don't have something helpful to say, get off this thread.



Goodness gracious, this is why abortion has to remain legal and available. Imagine being raped, forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, then forced to have the adoption records opened in 18 years. That's the kind of stuff that leads to women committing suicide instead of giving birth, like the stories linked earlier in the thread described. I wonder how many countries with those adoption record laws are trying to pull back abortion rights like in the U.S.? None I'd be willing to bet.

OP, as you can see there is a wide range of opinions and beliefs. Your daughter is your daughter and her interests are paramount, that's totally understandable. But really think hard, and urge her to think, about whether she NEEDS to know and whether that need is worth potentially ruining someone's life. What are the odds you'd be willing to take? 1 in 2 chance? 1 in 10? That chance would really give me pause.

How would it be "ruining someone's life" if she contacts the birth parent? If the birth parent isn't interested, they can say no to any contact.

Have you not been paying attention in this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.



PP,

This is a very sad story, and I am sorry that you went through this. But it's simply not fair for you to blame an innocent child (not "a bastard" as you call them--the 16th Century called and wants its terminology back) for what happened to you, or say to anyone else in a different situation--and every adoption story is indeed different-- that they have no right to search and learn about their birth story. Or, for that matter, that every birth mother in a closed adoption feels exactly as you do. I know from personal experience that some don't.

In many developed nations, such as Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand, adoption records are opened when an adoptee turns 18. There, it is considered a human right for a person to find out any medical history and the circumstances of their birth--for their sake, and for the sake of their own children. These countries have come to understand that the adoptee, who did not agree to the terms of the adoption, has rights, too--not just the birth parents.

If this young person wants to find out about their birth family, it is their right. She is not someone's shameful little secret. She is no longer a baby. She is an adult, and has rights as an adult.

As others here have pointed out, she may not find the birth mother easily. The birth mother may not want to talk to her. The story of her adoption has got to be a sad one--no one puts up a baby for adoption lightly. But if she wants to know, and she understands the risks, she has the right to try to find out.

It is hard enough to grow up as an adopted person. The ire on this board toward this young woman's interest in searching for her birth mother is shocking and shameful. It is her life. If you don't have something helpful to say, get off this thread.



Goodness gracious, this is why abortion has to remain legal and available. Imagine being raped, forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, then forced to have the adoption records opened in 18 years. That's the kind of stuff that leads to women committing suicide instead of giving birth, like the stories linked earlier in the thread described. I wonder how many countries with those adoption record laws are trying to pull back abortion rights like in the U.S.? None I'd be willing to bet.

OP, as you can see there is a wide range of opinions and beliefs. Your daughter is your daughter and her interests are paramount, that's totally understandable. But really think hard, and urge her to think, about whether she NEEDS to know and whether that need is worth potentially ruining someone's life. What are the odds you'd be willing to take? 1 in 2 chance? 1 in 10? That chance would really give me pause.

How would it be "ruining someone's life" if she contacts the birth parent? If the birth parent isn't interested, they can say no to any contact.

If her husband finds out, and leaves her. If she kills herself because a trauma is triggered or she feels guilt about not supporting the child's emotional need.

I don't know how this family should proceed. It is very complicated with opposing needs. But you are wrong not to acknowledge the potential downsides all around.

I prefer a solution that attempts to put the information out there (on a website or in the media) in a way that only the birth mother could recognize her story. THEN, she can decide if she wants to proceed. They both have rights.

(The whole idea of hiring a private detective sounds shady and intrusive. And I am close to the adoption process.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.

I'm so sorry pp.

Sometimes it's best not to find your birth parents and instead wait for them to find you. Take the dna test if you want, but don't make contact.

I participate in a facebook group that helps people reunite; for every positive adoption reunification there are also awful ones. It is best when the birth parent searches for the child instead of the other way around. That way, the adoptee isn't rejected twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.

I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you provided this child who wanted money with you the names and address of your parents so she could get money from them. They’re the ones that wanted you to have her, seems the right thing for them to do is to support her financially. I, glad you were able to get free and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.

I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you provided this child who wanted money with you the names and address of your parents so she could get money from them. They’re the ones that wanted you to have her, seems the right thing for them to do is to support her financially. I, glad you were able to get free and move on with your life.

Why on earth would you post this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was born and rested in the US and was raped at age 17, impregnated but had idiot super religious parents who blamed me for being raped also thought abortion was murder. I had the bastard resulting from this rape and have her up for adoption. My parents wanted to keep her but by that time I was 18 and was of age to put her up for adoption. I tried to get on with my life but the shame if being blamed for rape and being forced to bear his bastard made me hate myself for decades. I finally got some in-depth counselling, met a wonderful man, got married and we had children. Somehow the rape child found me. She wanted money. I gave her up for adoption because I never wanted to see, hear, or have anything to do with her ever. In giving her up, she had no rights to me or to any of my family history. I also left my parents as soon as I was able and ceased all contact with them and everybody in my family.

If her birth mother wanted to see her, she would.

I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you provided this child who wanted money with you the names and address of your parents so she could get money from them. They’re the ones that wanted you to have her, seems the right thing for them to do is to support her financially. I, glad you were able to get free and move on with your life.

I reported her to a lawyer who wrote to her to tell her that I wanted nothing to do with her and any further contact and a TRO would be filed.

[Anonymous]

The best thing to do is to be appreciative that you were adopted and had a decent life. Leave the past where it belongs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she really wants to find her bio mom, it is best to test with all of the companies. If she can’t afford to do that, I would recommend one with a chromosome browser. That rules out ancestry. Ancestry does have more members and therefore more potential matches but think figuring things out without a chromosome browser is extremely difficult. IMO, it is particularly important to have a chromosome browse when you are dealing with someone who is probably 100% one particular ethnicity. There are a number of sites and groups on the web that help adoptees. The person you were looking for is a search angel. To begin though, your daughter should find out which testing company is most popular in her birth country.It may not be a company which has the most members worldwide. After she gets her results, she should upload them to GedMatch.com.This will allow her to compare her results with others on GedMatch who have tested with different companies. Please note that in some countries DNA testing for non-medical purposes is illegal. You need to find out whether it is legal in her home country. If it is not, then go with the biggest testing company with a chromosome browser, which is probably 23 and me. Again though before testing check out how much the various companies break down her region of birth. Every testing company uses Different regions. You won’t want to test with a company that has Eastern Europe listed as one region.

+1
I haven’t read the whole thread but my late father was born in the UK during WWII and adopted shortly after the war. Amazingly, I was able to ID both his birth mother and birth father (unmarried) with Ancestry, GEDmatch, luck and cooperative relatives! The above is good advice.

[Anonymous]

For every birth mother like the one above who wants nothing to do with her birth child, there’s a story like mine where the birth family is ecstatic to be reunited. Do you not search because you’re afraid of ruining someone’s life or do you search because you could gain what you had lost? When I searched, the search agencies had ways of contacting the birth mother only so that her family/husband would never know if she didn’t want them to.

OP, I’d stop posting or reading here and tell your daughter to find her way to sites that are adoptee-focused and have experience with the adoption triad. I’d research as best I could what the conditions were like during that time and talk to other adoptees about how they decided to search or not search. Then I’d get counseling before I proceeded. I will say that my own adoption story is nothing at all what the typical adoption stories are/were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How well did you know the contact?

It's possible the situation is very different from what you were led to believe, including the basic information. Common last name might not be a coincidence, college student is very appealing, married to a business man, etc. In a region that was experiencing unspeakable horrors when you daughter was born, she seems to have a birth mom with a relatively charmed life. Think about it.

I feel for you daughter as it must feel like a part of her is missing not having a clue about her bio mom & dad. The DNA suggestions seem the least invasive way to search. You don't want to put the bio mom in danger and as accurately noted above multiple times, this is a real possibility.

If the mom is interested in finding her, she may be more easily found because she's put out feelers too. Please understand that this may not be the case.

You daughter may want to visit and immerse herself in her home country's culture because this may give her some grounding and fill in some missing identity pieces. She could pursue living there short term as she's young and could find gig work.

The Dayton Agreement was signed in 1995. OP's daughter was born in 1998. Most of former Yugoslavia was not experiencing "unspeakable horrors" at that time. Don't be so dramatic.

Please research post Dayton agreement conditions.

[Anonymous]

Rape has been used as a weapon of war since time began and most of the time it was gang rape. Why would anyone want to make another person relive this horror!