Finding the birth mother in a closed adoption from Eastern Europe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's dd is now 22 years old. Mom was a student. It is unlikely that her dd is a product of the civil wars in Yugoslavia in Bosnia and Croatia. Could be of the one in Kosovo in 1999. Bio mom is married now. Here are my two cents. Mom probably thinks a lot about her child that she gave up for adoption. Mom would probably like to see her daughter. Grandparents would be thrilled to see their granddaughter. This goes for Croats, Serbs, and Bosniaks(Muslims). I do not know about Kosovar Albanians, they are still very, very old fashioned. If bio mom's DH is around 45 now, he would not be old fashioned and abusive as if he was 60. Serbs, Croats, and Bosniaks are very, very welcoming people. They would consider op's dd as their own family.
It is the husband that would cause concern.
I am a Serb. If your dd showed up at my door, and I was her grandmother, she would be welcomed with open arms and with a feast. What some hypothetical son in law might do, that I do not know. But, if he was not a nice person I would be worried about my DD, the bio mom.
Good luck.

My old fashioned Croatian mom would not be welcoming. She would only be concerned about preserving the family image.

Well... you do know the stereotypes about Serbs and Croats? No?

No. Do share??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yugoslavia didn't exist in 1998

??? Technically there was a Yugoslavia (Federal Republic of Yugoslavia) until 2003.

She said not Slovenia, which separated in 1991. So, something about OP is off.

She said former Yugoslavia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yugoslavia didn't exist in 1998

??? Technically there was a Yugoslavia (Federal Republic of Yugoslavia) until 2003.

She said not Slovenia, which separated in 1991. So, something about OP is off.

She said former Yugoslavia.

-- the adoption was in the former Yugoslavia, but not Slovenia

That is a quote

[Anonymous]

I don't believe that the birth mothers info is necessarily accurate. In the US there have many instances of bio family data being fudged so I'm sure it happens all over the world. Things are changed to make the baby more appealing.

[Anonymous]

Oy. I've been thinking about this for days and wanted to give one last shot at reasoning with OP.

Look, I understand that your daughter *wants* to find her birth mom. But you don't seem to be processing at all that your daughter has far less to lose here than her birth mother does.

Worst case scenario for your daughter is that she goes through her life wishing she had found her birth mom.

Worst case scenario for her birth mom is that she loses her livelihood, her marriage, and her family.

So, sure, tell the local adoption agency your daughter would love to meet her birth mom and see if the birth mom has already left a message.

Check the message boards and see if the birth mom has posted.

But, for the love of all that is holy, do not hire a private investigator to track this woman down. If she wants to be found, she will have made herself findable. If she doesn't, you need to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oy. I've been thinking about this for days and wanted to give one last shot at reasoning with OP.

Look, I understand that your daughter *wants* to find her birth mom. But you don't seem to be processing at all that your daughter has far less to lose here than her birth mother does.

Worst case scenario for your daughter is that she goes through her life wishing she had found her birth mom.

Worst case scenario for her birth mom is that she loses her livelihood, her marriage, and her family.

So, sure, tell the local adoption agency your daughter would love to meet her birth mom and see if the birth mom has already left a message.

Check the message boards and see if the birth mom has posted.

But, for the love of all that is holy, do not hire a private investigator to track this woman down. If she wants to be found, she will have made herself findable. If she doesn't, you need to respect that.

OP, listen to this person. We have an open adoption and part is good and part is bad. Birth mom's family did not know for a very long time about our child/us and we respected her wishes to leave it alone. She had good reasons. They are lovely people and very kind to us now that its open but there was a lot of shame and embarrassment involved. And, on the flip, birth father's family are horrible horrible horrible people and we wish for our child's sake not to have engaged at all with them. Pure heartache.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: the agency had no part in locating our daughter. They only facilitated the background checks so that we could adopt. we found my daughter through a contact we made in her birth country. He died a few years ago.

My daughter's birth mother would be in her early 40s today. Of course, we are going on the assumption she is living in the same country when she could have moved on. And no idea of a married name. Sometimes I feel like we are chasing air.

Not an easy situation.

As a practical matter, starting with contacts of your contact and the adoption agency personnel would be the best start. Frankly, I think you could do some of this yourself with a translator. That might also give you and your daughter a good idea of the attitude of the community in welcoming an adoptee back. Would you consider going yourself and getting a lay of the land?

On a personal/emotional level, I think your daughter should probably get some counseling on how to deal with a variety of outcomes - complete lack of information, rejection, a happy reunion, and unhappy reunion, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's dd is now 22 years old. Mom was a student. It is unlikely that her dd is a product of the civil wars in Yugoslavia in Bosnia and Croatia. Could be of the one in Kosovo in 1999. Bio mom is married now. Here are my two cents. Mom probably thinks a lot about her child that she gave up for adoption. Mom would probably like to see her daughter. Grandparents would be thrilled to see their granddaughter. This goes for Croats, Serbs, and Bosniaks(Muslims). I do not know about Kosovar Albanians, they are still very, very old fashioned. If bio mom's DH is around 45 now, he would not be old fashioned and abusive as if he was 60. Serbs, Croats, and Bosniaks are very, very welcoming people. They would consider op's dd as their own family.
It is the husband that would cause concern.
I am a Serb. If your dd showed up at my door, and I was her grandmother, she would be welcomed with open arms and with a feast. What some hypothetical son in law might do, that I do not know. But, if he was not a nice person I would be worried about my DD, the bio mom.
Good luck.

My old fashioned Croatian mom would not be welcoming. She would only be concerned about preserving the family image.

Well... you do know the stereotypes about Serbs and Croats? No?

No. Do share??

Really? You know something about Croatian history? NDH? Racial laws and such?

[Anonymous]

I’m assuming OP is talking about Bosnia since it was the hardest hit of all of the former Yugoslav republics. If that’s the case, it really depends on where the mom is from. If she is from a small town somewhere she will not be welcoming. As someone astutely pointed out she would be more concerned about preserving the family reputation which is probably why she gave up her child for adoption. If you choose to proceed with finding her, I’d start at the embassy. They’ll be able to do a record search for you. Ancestry tests mean nothing to the people from the Balkans. We all know where we are from. Plus it’s very cost prohibitive.

[Anonymous]

If the primary concern is medical history, tell your daughter to take one of the newer genetic tests that test for a million things. I would start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming OP is talking about Bosnia since it was the hardest hit of all of the former Yugoslav republics. If that’s the case, it really depends on where the mom is from. If she is from a small town somewhere she will not be welcoming. As someone astutely pointed out she would be more concerned about preserving the family reputation which is probably why she gave up her child for adoption. If you choose to proceed with finding her, I’d start at the embassy. They’ll be able to do a record search for you. Ancestry tests mean nothing to the people from the Balkans. We all know where we are from. Plus it’s very cost prohibitive.

OP's dd is 22. Numbers do not add up for the Bosnian conflict. Kosovo and Serbia were bombed in the spring of 1999.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof. I'm going to assume this is Ukraine or Russia, and a 22 year-old DD means that she was given up for adoption in the middle of a huge economic meltdown in the region.

I don't know, OP. There are HUGE cultural and economic issues in play here. Placing kids for adoption is not something "nice girls" do in Eastern Europe, and if she's married now there is an excellent chance she hasn't disclosed the adoption.

I know you didn't ask this, but I think you and your DD have bigger issues than just logistics.

/Ukrainian American

+1 I lived and worked in that region for multiple years. I also volunteered at an orphanage in my time there, so I know more than I would like about the corruption of the adoption industry. Chances are good that:

1. If the mother is indeed married, she did not tell her husband about the baby she gave up. Attitudes about women are somewhat...antiquated in many ways there, especially in that timeframe. The birth mother will NOT be happy to hear from your daughter, whom she likely views as a shameful secret she wishes to keep from her husband and family. It would be horrible to break the terms of the sealed adoption this way. Consider that the birth mother is living in a harsher world than your daughter and even without family medical history, your daughter has so many more open paths available to her. Leave the birth mother alone and respect the fact that cultural differences you haven't considered might make her life very difficult if you persevere.

2. It was/is very common for family history/medical records to be fudged or changed, and people from consulting doctors down to orphanage admin work together in this to give children a chance. Your "connection" might be part of that: orphanages are so underfunded and conditions so poor, futures so bleak for orphans, that lying to help get a child a home with wealthy foreign parents is considered normal and acceptable. The mother might very well not have been a "college student" at all. There are so many babies born to drug/alcohol using women, some of whom are prostitutes, or from horribly abusive situations. Most families would not encourage their pregnant daughter to give up the baby in that way if there were any other option. It would be better for your daughter to never find out the family medical history than to risk learning that she is the product of one of the many situations I saw that resulted in a baby being placed for adoption there.

Just leave it, OP.

You are nuts.

OP, try to find the birth mother. Of course be discreet, and if there is a new family only reach out to the birth mother. She might want to talk, she might not. You won’t know unless you try.

WOW! PP is so stupid it's unbelievable. You call someone who has lived and has personal, intimate knowledge of this very topic, nuts? You are arrogant and uninformed and fully represent the typical "ugly American".

[Anonymous]

OP again. Never expected this many responses to my initial inquiry. Let me state that we have no intention of doing anything that would have the slightest chance of jeopardizing the birth mother, if she is even still alive and in her native country.

My daughter and I have talked about expectations based on some of what has been written in this thread. She understands that some kind of a reunion where everyone is crying and taking pictures is a long shot at best. We are also aware that the birth mother might not have been a college student and we might have been fed a story that is far from the truth, which makes her identity near impossible to uncover.

One point that has been made is the need for counseling. We were all twenty-two once and this is an age where young adults are trying to figure out who they are - mix in an adoption and these questions become more problematical. We have agreed that a professional can explore what my daughter is interested in knowing, a safe way to do it, and how to emotionally handle the most likely outcomes.

In terms of an actual search, we have run into nothing but dead ends. My daughter did befriend another college student from the same orphanage (adopted nine months before) who is fluent in the language and worked there two summers ago. Even him, with multiple connections has found it impossible to get information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Never expected this many responses to my initial inquiry. Let me state that we have no intention of doing anything that would have the slightest chance of jeopardizing the birth mother, if she is even still alive and in her native country.

My daughter and I have talked about expectations based on some of what has been written in this thread. She understands that some kind of a reunion where everyone is crying and taking pictures is a long shot at best. We are also aware that the birth mother might not have been a college student and we might have been fed a story that is far from the truth, which makes her identity near impossible to uncover.

One point that has been made is the need for counseling. We were all twenty-two once and this is an age where young adults are trying to figure out who they are - mix in an adoption and these questions become more problematical. We have agreed that a professional can explore what my daughter is interested in knowing, a safe way to do it, and how to emotionally handle the most likely outcomes.

In terms of an actual search, we have run into nothing but dead ends. My daughter did befriend another college student from the same orphanage (adopted nine months before) who is fluent in the language and worked there two summers ago. Even him, with multiple connections has found it impossible to get information.

Your best bet is to contact the adoption orphanage, agency or attorney or see if that country allows for records to be open or if they have the information and can reach out. Otherwise, do some of the DNA testing kits and see if you can find her through there. Beyond that, you'd have to find someone who can search.