Finding the birth mother in a closed adoption from Eastern Europe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster at 12:41 do you know anyone who has found his or her birth mother? If you had, I doubt that you would post such platitudes. It can be extremely helpful, even when the ending isn’t a fairytale.

+1, we have an open adoption and know way to much. There is some good and a lot of bad. Sometimes its best to leave good alone. Do the DNA tests and if something comes up great, but don't go searching as you don't know what her life is like and its a very different culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster at 12:41 do you know anyone who has found his or her birth mother? If you had, I doubt that you would post such platitudes. It can be extremely helpful, even when the ending isn’t a fairytale.

We're not talking about US adoptions. We're talking about Eastern Europe. The number of awful things that happened there in the 90s...almost assured you will not find a good story.

[Anonymous]

It’s a different country, but not an altogether different context... My childhood BFF was adopted from Romania in the early ‘80s. In her case, the reunion was movie worthy amazing and involved meeting a mom who had been searching for her for a decade and finding a full sibling & 3 half siblings she didn’t know existed. Her bio mom fought to put them up for private adoption so that they didn’t end up in an orphanage. Mom ended up as an engineer in the UK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to scare you off as I highly doubt this is a common reaction. The reunion stories are not always happy endings. My birth mother ended up taking her own life a few weeks before we were to meet. I saw her for the first time at her funeral. I also got to meet many of my biological relatives at that time. It was pretty overwhelming.

Did you ever think if you had left well enough that she would not have committed suicide. You had no right to look for her.

What an awful thing to say to this child.

I would guess this woman was long troubled which could well be why she knew she could not parent a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a different country, but not an altogether different context... My childhood BFF was adopted from Romania in the early ‘80s. In her case, the reunion was movie worthy amazing and involved meeting a mom who had been searching for her for a decade and finding a full sibling & 3 half siblings she didn’t know existed. Her bio mom fought to put them up for private adoption so that they didn’t end up in an orphanage. Mom ended up as an engineer in the UK.

The key here is she got out to the UK. The story would likely have been much different had she still been stuck in Romania.

[Anonymous]

How well did you know the contact?

It's possible the situation is very different from what you were led to believe, including the basic information. Common last name might not be a coincidence, college student is very appealing, married to a business man, etc. In a region that was experiencing unspeakable horrors when you daughter was born, she seems to have a birth mom with a relatively charmed life. Think about it.

I feel for you daughter as it must feel like a part of her is missing not having a clue about her bio mom & dad. The DNA suggestions seem the least invasive way to search. You don't want to put the bio mom in danger and as accurately noted above multiple times, this is a real possibility.

If the mom is interested in finding her, she may be more easily found because she's put out feelers too. Please understand that this may not be the case.

You daughter may want to visit and immerse herself in her home country's culture because this may give her some grounding and fill in some missing identity pieces. She could pursue living there short term as she's young and could find gig work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. First off, my daughter is not a privledged kid who has no idea about other cultures. She is a very sensitive, hard working girl who will be graduating college next year. And like any child, she has had her share of ups and down.

Did she grow up in the pure chaos of the former Yugoslavia in the 1990s? No, and we're not pretending that. But she has also tried to learn as much as she can about conditions through a student's group dedicated to people with roots in that area and has frequent contact with local families that travel back and forth to that area.

Of course, in her mind is some kind of reunion where everyone is crying, takes pictures, and says how similiar they look. And we know that can be the complete opposite of what happens, if anything does occur. I did contact the American embassy in that country to learn about detectives and will also do DNA testing. What I would also like to do is thank everyone who responded, no matter their tone. All of this has provided valuable food for thought.

There was a lot of sexual assault and prostitution going on in the Balkans in the 1990s. She could be a product of rape/prostitution.

First of all, the Balkans are not former Yugoslavia. Balkans were put into it, but plenty of the Balkans had nothing to do with the Yugoslav Civil Wars in the 1990s. Plus, former Yugoslavia is notorious for not allowing adoptions out of the country. In Serbia, you can't really adopt until 1 year old and usually, they look for a Serbian person, even if overseas. OP would know a lot about the kid if from former Yugoslavia. As for me writing this, stop calling the Balkans Yugoslavia, it is false and stupid.

[Anonymous]

https://balkaninsight.com/2019/06/20/kosovos-invisible-children-secret-legacy-of-wartime-rape/

The details may be different but I have heard similar from a Bosnian friend who came here with family but pregnant herself with only the clothes on their backs.

Please realize this can be serious business. Your daughter was raised in one of the most economically and socially comfortable areas on the planet and sometimes there are tradeoffs in life.

The medical history request is a red herring because it is unlikely her mother will know her full medical history and it sounds like nothing will be forthcoming from the dad either. Many Americans can't provide an accurate medical history so not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a shady adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a great therapist instead. The scenario your daughter probably envisions doesn't encompass the range of awful ones she could encounter. Closure comes from within and not from another human being.

What a trite, empty thing to say. The only “closure” my mom and her first daughter ever got was through meeting and having a relationship 35 years after my mom was coerced into relinquishing her for adoption. All her life my sister was m offered and abused. And all those years, my mother was grieving and tortured by not knowing. Meeting didn’t erase the pain they had endured but it closed the door in the last pain and opened new doors with possibility for connection and joy.

Reunions don’t always work out. But they often do. There is no kind of “from within” closure that could have happened for my mom and sister without being in each other’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://balkaninsight.com/2019/06/20/kosovos-invisible-children-secret-legacy-of-wartime-rape/

The details may be different but I have heard similar from a Bosnian friend who came here with family but pregnant herself with only the clothes on their backs.

Please realize this can be serious business. Your daughter was raised in one of the most economically and socially comfortable areas on the planet and sometimes there are tradeoffs in life.

The medical history request is a red herring because it is unlikely her mother will know her full medical history and it sounds like nothing will be forthcoming from the dad either. Many Americans can't provide an accurate medical history so not uncommon.

OP truly does not understand that her daughter is privileged, nor does she understand that they made a tradeoff. She is determined to help her daughter sniff out and track down the biomom, because that is what her daughter wants.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for you and your daughter and am in a similar situation with my son wanting to reach out to his birth mother. He is not legal age yet and from a different country that has different societal views but I would highly suggest that your daughter gets counseling before going this route. I have found with our experience, my son views the birth family as this magical second family that will be just like him and answer all of his questions. We have had to tread very lightly but the reality is that they could be what he wants or they could flat out reject him, causing so much more damage. Adoptees have to be ready for that reality, unfortunately - and also understand that it isn't the birth mother's fault. I am not sure I would be "big" enough to handle that blow so hurt for those who have to make the decision to take the risk.
Again, I am sorry and I hope you and your daughter find peace in whatever you choose.

[Anonymous]

10:53. Not sure of your point. Understand that the Balkans also include Albania, Bulgaria, and Romania.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How well did you know the contact?

It's possible the situation is very different from what you were led to believe, including the basic information. Common last name might not be a coincidence, college student is very appealing, married to a business man, etc. In a region that was experiencing unspeakable horrors when you daughter was born, she seems to have a birth mom with a relatively charmed life. Think about it.

I feel for you daughter as it must feel like a part of her is missing not having a clue about her bio mom & dad. The DNA suggestions seem the least invasive way to search. You don't want to put the bio mom in danger and as accurately noted above multiple times, this is a real possibility.

If the mom is interested in finding her, she may be more easily found because she's put out feelers too. Please understand that this may not be the case.

You daughter may want to visit and immerse herself in her home country's culture because this may give her some grounding and fill in some missing identity pieces. She could pursue living there short term as she's young and could find gig work.

The Dayton Agreement was signed in 1995. OP's daughter was born in 1998. Most of former Yugoslavia was not experiencing "unspeakable horrors" at that time. Don't be so dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:53. Not sure of your point. Understand that the Balkans also include Albania, Bulgaria, and Romania.

Her (his?) point is obviously that people should stop using Balkans interchangeably with Yugoslavia. It's incorrect and annoying. Rather like UK and England are not the same thing.