Finding the birth mother in a closed adoption from Eastern Europe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us here know if birth mother wants to be found but she has to know there was always a chance she would be. I am not sure its fair to tell the adopted child she can't look for her birth mother but perhaps making her aware of some of the ramifications so she can make an informed decision?

Agree. My mind placed a child for adoption and it was closed just because that’s how things were done at the time, not because she didn’t want any contact with the baby. I know the same was the case for a lot of women in Romania too.

[Anonymous]

Hire a PI in that country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof. I'm going to assume this is Ukraine or Russia, and a 22 year-old DD means that she was given up for adoption in the middle of a huge economic meltdown in the region.

I don't know, OP. There are HUGE cultural and economic issues in play here. Placing kids for adoption is not something "nice girls" do in Eastern Europe, and if she's married now there is an excellent chance she hasn't disclosed the adoption.

I know you didn't ask this, but I think you and your DD have bigger issues than just logistics.

/Ukrainian American

Our child is from one of these countries and we have an open adoption but adoption is not encouraged or supported so please listen to this advice. It may be best for your daughter but not the birth family. Do all the DNA websites and see if someone contacts her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP answering questions:

-- we do not know the birth mother's date of birth or businessman's name
-- we know the town where the birth mother lived
-- the adoption was in the former Yugoslavia, but not Slovenia (do not want to say more because I might out myself)

We do not want to ruin this woman's life. But at the same time, wonder if she would like to know what happened to her daughter.

If anything, do the DNA tests and contact the agency and see if they can talk to her.

[Anonymous]

It will be super easy to do once there. The problem is finding a reputable police office/detective.
For all you know they can find her "mom" take a bunch of her money and leach off your and her forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will be super easy to do once there. The problem is finding a reputable police office/detective.
For all you know they can find her "mom" take a bunch of her money and leach off your and her forever.

But that’s when you do the dna test to prove the woman is actually the mother. That’s why I suggested you go with law firm / PI set up.

[Anonymous]

PP personally, I would avoid hiring a private investigator and simply go the DNA route, at least until you have more clues. If this is something her Bio mother Would hide, then IMO the worst thing you can do is give the information to someone in a foreign country whom you know very little about. Not only made they take your daughters money without doing anything, it is possible that they would use the information against her bio mother. Moreover, it is likely to be very expensive. I would start via the DNA route. There are many people in the genealogy community who would help her for free. You can also read information on the link I gave you above regarding which tests are used in eastern Europe. One section is about East European adoption. Read that and many of the truly excellent resources available online. You should also talk to the agency through Which you adopted your daughter, asking for more specific information. Clues help. For example you may find out that she was studying in that city but was originally from somewhere else. It may tell you the subject she was studying. Sometimes, the information includes a physical description or information about the father. I would suggest that your daughter also watch some episodes of long lost family, particularly the UK version. It can give her a sense of how difficult it can be. I like the fact that the show sometimes includes cases in which the ending was far from a fairytale .Your daughter should also be aware that one of the most common occurrences is finding another child who was also put up for adoption. This may not be a sibling, but may be another relative. Your daughter should not use her own name on this site but she create a pseudonym. Most of the testing companies Allow this. It is unlikely that her bio mother has tested. She will probably get a match, if she gets any matches at all, with a second cousin or another more distant relative. This information can help youIf you do eventually want to hire an investigator. One of The most important pieces of information you have is the birthdate of your daughter. Try googling the birthdate and the name of the town. If someone is searching for her that is the information they will post. You may also get a sense of How big a haystack you are looking through.

[Anonymous]

You could always try respecting her/her wishes.

[Anonymous]

Ukraine now and 20 years ago isn't equivalent to the US in the 50s vs now. Let's say 90% of women that were low income and gave birth and now in a better place would not want to have your daughter show up. The 10% that might no longer live in Ukraine/Russia. They got out.

[Anonymous]

Look up DNA Search Angels. They can guide you.

[Anonymous]

Ask the agency if your daughter wrote a letter. Do they have a way of inquiring whether the birth mother would accept/read it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof. I'm going to assume this is Ukraine or Russia, and a 22 year-old DD means that she was given up for adoption in the middle of a huge economic meltdown in the region.

I don't know, OP. There are HUGE cultural and economic issues in play here. Placing kids for adoption is not something "nice girls" do in Eastern Europe, and if she's married now there is an excellent chance she hasn't disclosed the adoption.

I know you didn't ask this, but I think you and your DD have bigger issues than just logistics.

/Ukrainian American

+1 I lived and worked in that region for multiple years. I also volunteered at an orphanage in my time there, so I know more than I would like about the corruption of the adoption industry. Chances are good that:

1. If the mother is indeed married, she did not tell her husband about the baby she gave up. Attitudes about women are somewhat...antiquated in many ways there, especially in that timeframe. The birth mother will NOT be happy to hear from your daughter, whom she likely views as a shameful secret she wishes to keep from her husband and family. It would be horrible to break the terms of the sealed adoption this way. Consider that the birth mother is living in a harsher world than your daughter and even without family medical history, your daughter has so many more open paths available to her. Leave the birth mother alone and respect the fact that cultural differences you haven't considered might make her life very difficult if you persevere.

2. It was/is very common for family history/medical records to be fudged or changed, and people from consulting doctors down to orphanage admin work together in this to give children a chance. Your "connection" might be part of that: orphanages are so underfunded and conditions so poor, futures so bleak for orphans, that lying to help get a child a home with wealthy foreign parents is considered normal and acceptable. The mother might very well not have been a "college student" at all. There are so many babies born to drug/alcohol using women, some of whom are prostitutes, or from horribly abusive situations. Most families would not encourage their pregnant daughter to give up the baby in that way if there were any other option. It would be better for your daughter to never find out the family medical history than to risk learning that she is the product of one of the many situations I saw that resulted in a baby being placed for adoption there.

Just leave it, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP: the agency had no part in locating our daughter. They only facilitated the background checks so that we could adopt. we found my daughter through a contact we made in her birth country. He died a few years ago.

My daughter's birth mother would be in her early 40s today. Of course, we are going on the assumption she is living in the same country when she could have moved on. And no idea of a married name. Sometimes I feel like we are chasing air.

Not an easy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ukraine now and 20 years ago isn't equivalent to the US in the 50s vs now. Let's say 90% of women that were low income and gave birth and now in a better place would not want to have your daughter show up. The 10% that might no longer live in Ukraine/Russia. They got out.

There are still similar attitudes about adoption. Why do you think there are so few in country adoptions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof. I'm going to assume this is Ukraine or Russia, and a 22 year-old DD means that she was given up for adoption in the middle of a huge economic meltdown in the region.

I don't know, OP. There are HUGE cultural and economic issues in play here. Placing kids for adoption is not something "nice girls" do in Eastern Europe, and if she's married now there is an excellent chance she hasn't disclosed the adoption.

I know you didn't ask this, but I think you and your DD have bigger issues than just logistics.

/Ukrainian American

+1 I lived and worked in that region for multiple years. I also volunteered at an orphanage in my time there, so I know more than I would like about the corruption of the adoption industry. Chances are good that:

1. If the mother is indeed married, she did not tell her husband about the baby she gave up. Attitudes about women are somewhat...antiquated in many ways there, especially in that timeframe. The birth mother will NOT be happy to hear from your daughter, whom she likely views as a shameful secret she wishes to keep from her husband and family. It would be horrible to break the terms of the sealed adoption this way. Consider that the birth mother is living in a harsher world than your daughter and even without family medical history, your daughter has so many more open paths available to her. Leave the birth mother alone and respect the fact that cultural differences you haven't considered might make her life very difficult if you persevere.

2. It was/is very common for family history/medical records to be fudged or changed, and people from consulting doctors down to orphanage admin work together in this to give children a chance. Your "connection" might be part of that: orphanages are so underfunded and conditions so poor, futures so bleak for orphans, that lying to help get a child a home with wealthy foreign parents is considered normal and acceptable. The mother might very well not have been a "college student" at all. There are so many babies born to drug/alcohol using women, some of whom are prostitutes, or from horribly abusive situations. Most families would not encourage their pregnant daughter to give up the baby in that way if there were any other option. It would be better for your daughter to never find out the family medical history than to risk learning that she is the product of one of the many situations I saw that resulted in a baby being placed for adoption there.

Just leave it, OP.

It isn’t up to the OP to just leave it. OP’s daughter didn’t accept any terms of the adoption. It’s completely natural to want to know about your birth parents. Hopefully the OP’s daughter will get something positive from it, hopefully she’s prepared for a rejection if that occurs (adoptive mom here, and I would try to encourage my children to seek counseling prior to searching to help them figure out why they want to search and deal with any negative outcomes), but it’s as much her right to know about *herself* as it is her birth mom’s right to remain secret. Moreover; we don’t even know what the birth mother wants. I’ve heard about these stories ending both in positive and negative ways, so you never know.